Category: Just My Thoughts on Things

If you are a human being, I’m sure you have had the experience of some people not liking you. Usually we can sort of figure out why there is no chemistry between us and another person, but there are also some times when we have no idea why we are not liked. I remember an episode in the sitcom of The Golden Girls on TV when the character of Rose was being driven crazy by someone at work who did not seem to like her. Eventually, after trying everything to get him to like her, she asked him what his problem with her was and he finally blurted out, “Rose, I just don’t like you!” Some of us have had similar situations in life.

So, this business of not being liked. How does that affect you? Can you brush it off as nothing, really, or does it eat at you, like it did for Rose? I think we all get hurt by rejection, no matter what we tell ourselves or others. I’m finding that at this stage of life, retirement or the later stage of life, I am not as concerned with not being liked as I was earlier in my life. That is probably because I now choose my friends more carefully and I eliminate those who seem to be a problem for me. Earlier, in my working days, I did not have much control of who was in my environment, such as my coworkers and my managers and bosses. I had to function in a system, not completely under my control.

Looking back over my life, I can see where some people did not care for me, especially, and I can usually understand why that was so. As they say, the chemistry was not good or we did not care for the same things or saw things differently or could not stand each other’s habits or actions. That’s just the way it was.

On the other hand, one thing that really puzzled and bothered me was when someone seemed to automatically, at first sight and meeting, to just not like me or even hate me, with no logical reason, as far as I could tell. With no experience or history with me, this person did not seem to like me and I was stunned. I just could feel their energy. That’s how I would put it. I’m sure that this is not an uncommon experience. If fact , I asked a couple of friends and they confirmed that they have had similar experiences.

Fortunately I can say that this has not happened much in my life. Yet, once I started thinking on this topic, I realized there were occasions in each stage of my life where I experienced this. Of course I experienced hurt when this happened. I was probably only bullied twice or so that I remember and the other times were not that type of situation. I even feel some hurt resurfacing as I think about this. I am fortunate that these rare situations did not affect me as far as altering my life or my basic outlook or perspective on life and people.

We have all seen the tragic results when situations like bullying have psychologically damaged people and they act out in mass murder situations, situations far too common in this day and age. So it is imperative that that we handle these occurrences of rejection and not being liked by everyone in our world in a healthy manner. That we be psychologically sound and balanced and able to handle rejection and the hurt it often inflicts. We are going to run into this situation from time to time during our time on this earth, as I see it.

Getting back to the general topic of not everybody liking us, it seems that just participating in life and in society will cause us to face this dilemma time and again. In my life, the 1960’s were a tough time and tempers and hatred flared over many issues. There was the civil rights movement, the Vietnam War, Federal agents shooting and killing college students protesting, etc. It was nearly impossible to not take stands on these issues, and once you did, you were loved or hated by others, family and friends. That’s the way it was.

Well, so what’s this got to do with living the good life, the general overall theme of my blogs? I feel we do have to honestly face the issues before us and make some decisions, sometimes some difficult decisions of where we stand. We can be very outspoken or be more quiet and reserved, but we must face the issues in our world, especially in our personal world. Take your stand and let the chips fall where they may, I would say. Yes, some people may be upset. Close friends or family, and that sometimes really hurts, I know. But I say, don’t go for being liked. Go for being honest and authentic and loving and compassionate and fair, as much as you can. Some people don’t like me… so what! I’ll survive.

Wally

It is said that things are really bad these days. It’s never been like this, the world and the political situation, etc. Well, having studied history as a history major in college, my opinion is that no matter what period of history you study, you can always find the worst thing happening somewhere in the world. There are always good things and bad things happening somewhere. I see the real problem in our world being that people choose to “follow” rather than “think.”

This came to mind recently when watching tv and a person was interviewed regarding the current political situation. She told the interviewer that she would back President Trump no matter what he ever did. No matter what, anything goes. I sat there thinking really, REALLY?! Wow. And believe me, I’m not really being political on this as I would be just as shocked if a political fan of a left wing politician were to say the same thing. It is hard for me to think people actually think and believe this way. I would say I have never followed any politician so radically. Or any other “authority” figure, such as a minister, teacher, leader, etc. I do not blindly follow anybody, and I don’t think any of us should if we are to be intelligent beings.

I am in favor of thinking rather than following. I know this is a society and culture of followers rather than serious, deep thinkers. We can see that everywhere. People follow celebrities, religious leaders, gurus, charismatic con artists and cult leaders. They follow cultural trends, religious teachings, childhood teachings, often without much thought of why they do. You may say, hey these are all good things. “Teach a child in the way he should go and he will not depart from it” the Good Book says. Well, okay, there is some truth there, but that does not negate our individual responsibility to seek truth, to think deeply and look at the facts and the ramifications of all our actions and beliefs and pronouncements. We must always think! Don’t just follow. We have to decide what we believe, what we see is truth, and decide how we will live.

Now, I do allow an exception, in a sense, for someone in the military. In the military you are trained to take orders and carry out those orders. You are trained to kill when ordered. That is a different situation, a subject for another essay, perhaps. But I would still say we must think and take the responsibility for our beliefs and actions, always.

I have read a spiritual writer recently who said to not take automatically as truth what someone says, no matter who they are. A Mother Teresa, the Dalai Lama, Thich Nhat Hanh, whoever. I agree. Someone is not necessarily right or speaking truth just because they are “spiritual.” Again, no matter what, think!

I learned to think for myself. I grew up in the 1960’s. A wild, tumultuous, chaotic time in this country’s history. I had to, was forced to, think things through . We were faced with new dramas every day. Emotions were crazy, that’s the only way I can put it. I was called a communist because I did not vote for Nixon in 1972. I was told years later by a supervisor at work that he had better never hear that my views of the Vietnam War were any different than his (he served in the war) or I was dead meat. He had no idea what my position was, as we never talked about it, he was just warning me that he accepted no opinions different that his.

Regarding following family beliefs, I was the “black sheep” of my family. I did not share many of my family’s beliefs and feelings about things. I was called a ni**er lover because I did not share the prejudices of my family. I chose to think for myself and not just follow the family beliefs. Again, thinking vs. following.

In thinking about all this, I realize that there are some terms in our culture and society that I do not really like much because of the “code” word they seem to be,as I see it. For example, I’ve never been fond of the term “team player.” My feeling is that what is meant is you will submit, follow blindly, give in to whoever has the authority in the group, not be an independent thinker. Or the term “a good American.” That was used a lot by my family. It usually is a code word for someone who thinks like a person who has very specific political beliefs and opinions that are very defined and narrow. Similarly, the word patriot I feel is often misused to mean something very narrow and specific in meaning.

So, my point is, so much of our world’s problems stem from the fact that so many people choose to just follow (often blindly) beliefs, authority figures, prejudices, society and family teachings rather than using their intellect and seriously study what their positions on life issues are. Less following and more thinking is demanded if this world is going to get any better.

Wally

They say opportunities come and they go. That this or that is the opportunity of a lifetime. This is your opportunity, it will never come again. Or, perhaps, that’s okay, you’ll have another opportunity later sometime.

Cycles… all of life is a cycle. There’s conception, birth, life, and eventually, death. (Okay, spiritually oriented people will say there is more beyond death, but that’s for another essay, not this one.) All of life is a cycle. Even our sun is in a life cycle, scientists say eventually our sun will die out and earth will one day be gone. And, all cycles are composed of phases. All of life can be broken down into phases.

So, what does all of this have to do with the “Good Life?” Well, as I see it, just about everything. When I think about the good life, my thoughts often include thinking about the opportunities that come our way during our life and what we do with them. Do we even see them, become aware of them, or just ignore them or because of ignorance or fear just let them pass by? We do have “windows of opportunity” and we never know how long they will last, do we?

I’ve mentioned many opportunities that came along in my life in my previous blogs, so I won’t rehash all of those experiences here. Let me just say that I am glad I had the opportunities I had and I’m glad I usually took advantage of them for my own good and advancement on my life’s journey. Taking advantage of the opportunities changed my life several times.

I have also taken time to realize exactly what phase of life I was in as I journeyed on my path. In youth I worked on getting an education. During my working life phase, I worked hard and tried to manage things and finances so I could someday retire. Yes, it seemed like an impossible dream to get to retirement and enjoy life without reporting to a boss, corporation and the other unpleasantries of the working life phase. I survived and succeeded in that phase. It seemed impossible for a long time, but you know what, I made it!

So now I’m in the retirement phase of my life. The last third of life, if you divide a long life into thirds of thirty years each. I am enjoying the good life, no doubt about it. My hard work and perseverance has paid off. Life is good.

Many people live what they would consider a miserable life or at least an unhappy life. They continually complain about how “life treats them,” how they have made so many bad decisions, how people and life have treated them poorly, etc. etc. Yet, on the other hand, some people seem to have very little in life as far as possessions and wealth but are very happy people.

So, what’s the deal? Well, as I see it, all of life is made up of moments of decisions. Every day we make numerous decisions, day in and day out. We make decisions on what we will do, what we will think, what actions we will take, etc. Every day. And these decisions are cumulative. They determine the direction our life will take. We get to where we are by the many thoughts, actions, and decisions we make daily.

And then there are the big moments, the big decisions, the big opportunities that come along. What do we do then? Well, as I see it, if we make the best use of our daily moments, our daily opportunities, when the big momentous opportunities come, we are somewhat prepared for that time. We have been acting and thinking in ways that lead us to the right direction to take. We are on the path of the “good life.”

So, this is how I see my life at this point. At this phase of life, my “retirement” phase, I am enjoying, as they say, the “fruits of my labors.” I have made many good choices and decisions and the result is the life I’m living now. What about pain, suffering, grief, hurt, disappointment, loss, etc.? Have I avoided these? Of course not, those experiences are all part of life, for everyone. I am no exception. What I’m saying is that regardless of the apparent “bad times, dark times, confusing times,” I believe we can create our own good life, no matter what. It really is a result of the way we have handled the opportunities, the cycles of life, and the different phases of life. This is how I see it, this is what I believe. I’ve lived a good life, I’m living a good life. I have achieved my childhood dreams. I’ve known success in so many areas, I’ve found genuine love in my relationships. I am grateful.

Wally

They say the words we use are important in our lives as far as determining how we think and live. I think there’s truth in that statement. Thinking this over brought to mind several phrases I really don’t much care for, in fact I think they can really be bad for us in how they affect our day-to-day lives. I’m not really talking about the vulgar or cuss words we use from time to time (or that some people overuse a lot), I’m referring to the often everyday, casual phrases we spew out of our mouths without really thinking what we are saying.

Let’s start with some of my least favorite phrases. There are three very similar phrases that I think are not the best way to express the thought that something may not need to be done right now, today. “There’s always tomorrow”; “You have all the time in the world”; “There’s always next time” ; Opportunity will always come knocking again!”

Well, if you’ve ever had a loved one die suddenly ( and I’ve had several) you know these statements are not always accurate or true. There is not always tomorrow, or another opportunity, or all the time in the world. The day will come when it is all over. The only time we really ever have is now. Always has been that way, always will be that way. There is only now. When people say “there’s always tomorrow,” I’m thinking, well, yes, if I don’t die tonight!

How about, “don’t get your hopes up!” Wow, that’s a real killer of hope, anticipation and enthusiasm; a punch in the gut. People say that so nonchalantly and sometimes they mean well, but I think that is not the right phrase to use. I think it is good to get your hopes up, but also, be realistic about things and be open to the results being different than originally planned. Remember, as they say. “God’s ways are not our ways.” I do believe that!

And there’s the “I’d rather die than…” (fill in the blanks). I don’t think that’s a good way to state a dislike. I don’t like putting that thought into my mind and consciousness. Now, I am more tolerant of casual phrases we use like, “you kill me!”, or “that just kills me.” Somehow those expressions don’t seem as dangerous to my mind as the others. “I would just die if…”, well, maybe I would consider that one borderline, not the best but commonly used. There must be a better way to express that sentiment, I think.

Often when we have a loss of a loved one (a death), we hear all sorts of things that may not be the best things to say. The grief experts usually say that it is best to say nothing or very little to a grieving person than to just blurt out stupid and hurtful things which are often done in that situation. What is often heard are things like “I know exactly what you are going through”, “It’s not that bad”, “they’re in a better place”, you’ll get over this”, “time heals all wounds”, etc. Just not really good things to say, as I see it. Time alone does not heal wounds. Time and a lot of work on grieving and the healing process can alleviate the initial trauma, but many people would testify that it’s not really a healing so much as getting through the process and living with a new life we must adjust to.

It is sometimes not appropriate to tell people to not get angry. To tell them not to feel that way (however they feel). We have to allow people to have their feelings and reactions. Who are we to tell people how to feel? Now of course there are dangerous situations where we may have to assert ourselves, but those are very rare, I feel. Someone planning a mass murder should be stopped, of course. Maybe I’m just more sensitive to the words and phrases we carelessly throw around because of my history. I worked in customer service in the airline industry and often had confrontations and unpleasant situations. My first companion and I had a tumultuous relationship and harsh words and actions were the norm for us.

So, maybe as you see it, it’s no big deal the way we talk to each other. To me it is! It’s very important how we express things in our interactions with each other. In my early life I was often very depressed and I believe that was often because of how I thought, my thinking process and the words I used. So, maybe this position of mine is just the result of living a long life and having lots of experiences. I just know that I try to use the best expressions and carefully watch what I say as much as I can. Of course I’m not perfect. I’m just a work in progress, aren’t we all!

Wally