Category: Religion / Spirituality

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Existential Angst and Thanatophobia [Post # 106]

Well, those are two terms that probably need a little explaining. Perhaps a better title of this essay would be “the mystery of life and the mystery / fear or anxiety of death.” Ahhh, the biggies of life. Yeah, when we get older and realize, ahhh, our future is rather limited, and we are honest with ourselves, we look at things differently than we may have previously. My perspective is a bit different and a bit more intense at this stage of life than it was previously. In other words, the end is near and I don’t like what I’m seeing down the road (or right in front of me, perhaps).

So much of life is lived in denial, it seems. We are so busy living, struggling with life, achieving something, acquiring “stuff,” etc., that we don’t really think about the deep, meaningful aspects of our short time on this earth plane. Most people, anyway.

I’ve always been a deep thinker, a philosopher, perhaps a theologian of sorts. A believer, a non-believer, an agnostic, an atheist, a skeptic. Life is a real mystery and I understand and see that. And, yes, it drives me nuts if I think about it for very long. I’m currently studying science, history (my major in college), philosophy, theology and psychology in depth. And, yes, I’m enjoying the study. But the more I study, the more I learn, the more I realize there are no answers to the mystery of it all. There are facts, there are beliefs, there are experiences. There are systems or organizations claiming to have answers (usually called religions or belief systems or philosophies). Or cults or other groups. Lots of explanations, lots of “answers,” but “The answer”… well… some day we may know more of the answer, or maybe not.

That’s the existential angst. What’s it all about? And the thanatophobia. The anxiety or fear of death and the death process. Yeah, I see that in conjunction with the angst. Another great mystery. And we can feel all nice and secure in our beliefs and spiritual insights and enlightenment, but, really, we have to confront it and we know not when. And that drives me nuts. It’s not just theory, imaginings. It’s gonna be real. Time’s up.

I just had a friend die unexpectedly after being at our house having a good time. He went home and had a heart attack that night. And so it is with so many of us. One day here having a great time, and then, poof, gone.

Maybe I’ve been a morbid one most of my life. My first experience with death was when my cousin came to Los Angeles for a heart operation about age five or six, the same age I was. We were here playing one day, having a great time. Then, the next day he had his surgery, and he died. Poof. I didn’t know for a while what happened. I just knew something was wrong as his mother and my mother just walked about crying all day.

My first experience with death. Playing with my cousin the day before his death undergoing heart surgery.

In college I spent a summer living in a mortuary being a caretaker of the establishment and I got a free apartment for my work there. I was involved in many aspects of the business, assisting the morticians in various tasks. Very creepy at times but of course I was fascinated with it all.

Also, in my college years I would enjoy walking up the hill from my dorm and walking through the cemetery that was there. Felt a strange sense of peace and angst of sorts. Got me thinking a lot about life.

In pervious blogs I mentioned I had two strange experiences in my life. One at around age six when I was going under the anesthesia for my tonsillectomy. I went to a strange dark void and had an experience that I can only explain as an “other worldly” experience (a contact with God?). That experience is as vivid as if it happened yesterday.

The other weird experience was a “dress rehearsal” of sorts of my own death. It was so real. It was an experience I really can’t put into words. I experienced dying. Really experienced the whole process. I cannot shake that from my mind, just like my going under anesthesia as a child. And many years later I had a dream like no other dream l ever had. I was in a space capsule all alone out in deep space. It was an eerie feeling. All alone, in the dark void, at the center of being. With “God” again? A feeling I can’t put into words, again.

So, those are my two anxieties. Guess I just have to live with them. The purpose of life. What it’s all about? We have to find that out for ourselves. We have to make our own purpose. And the big event coming our way, death; well, it can’t be avoided. Some people may be comfortable with the event that is ahead of us and that may come at any moment. Currently, I am not. No matter how “enlightened” I may be, I ain’t there yet. Things may change. As I see it, we must live in the mystery. The mystery of the purpose of life. The horror of experiencing death. And being happy till the end. Wow, that’s a lot to ponder.

Maybe others aren’t bothered like I am over these matters. Perhaps denial of death and not understanding the meaning of life is how most people live. It doesn’t work for me. That’s what I know. Being one with it all, being enlightened, having an inner, spiritual life is great, but, still, we know what’s coming. Not when or the how or what the experience will be like. I think my “dress rehearsal“ experience of dying while on drugs is probably pretty accurate of what it will be like, along with my other two experiences of the deep black, eerie, lonely “void.” That’s my feeling at the present time. Guess I won’t be able to come back to tell you or anyone.

I’m fascinated by the NDE (“near death experiences”) stories I’ve read about. I’m open to those stories and how they have affected people. But those are stories of the “transitional” state and the people come back. Don’t know of any that have come back after six months or so. Of course, there are the “past lives” stories, which are also fascinating.

Well, as of now, at this point in my life, all I can do is acknowledge my existential angst and my thanatophobia. I stand in awe (and trembling) of the great mystery. God help me cope with it all.

Wally

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Not A Bible Thumper, But…. [ Post # 103 ]

So, a good, long-term friend of mine told me a long time ago, “Wally, I know in the coming years (decades in the future), you are going to hit the “sawdust trail.” I just know that. Hmmm… I thought. What is he saying? What is he talking about? Well, you’ve probably picked up from reading my blogs that I do have a spiritual side to my life. I do have a history in the “evangelical” church movement, I was in college in the “Jesus’ freak” years of the 60’s and 70’s. I ran around with a charismatic, Pentecostal group of college buddies and had some very good, inspiring times, I admit. Going on to theological seminary after college I got to study “theological” and religious things, yes, and that inspired me to continue some deep study in the field. When my professor said we do not want to tell our congregations what we learned here in seminary because it would cause them to lose their faith, I thought, wow, I’ve got to dig deep into this stuff to see what the truth is about all this “church” stuff.

Well, I later gave up on it all. I became what I considered to be an atheist. But a couple of years later I thought, I really need to explore this whole field more as atheism didn’t make a lot of sense to me either. Many atheists I met were rigid and closed minded, so on I went on with my further study.

Some people who claim to be Omnists: Ellen Burstyn, John Coltrane, Shaquille O’Neal. Chris Martin, Kyrie Irving, Ramakrishna, Philip James Bailey (who first coined the term).

Eventually I settled on a spiritual journey more in line with my life experience and my “inner sense” or inner knowing. I recently came across a term for people such as me, “exvangelical.” Okay, that works for me. I also found another term for where I’m at, Omnist.

So yes, maybe my friend was right. I continued on my spiritual quest and theological and philosophical study and now I definitely have some “spiritual” life. A mystery of life, of existence. But on a quest of trying to force people to come along with me on my specific journey? I don’t think so. Everyone has to find what works for them individually. My blogs have stated that I love Jesus, God and many sages from the ages. But that’s me, my way of living.

I went on the mission field as a construction worker for missionary friends many years ago. I have preached in churches. I have good friends that have been missionaries. I spend much time in spiritual practice and study daily, normally. But me telling anyone else what they should do or believe… no way. No tent meetings, no “sawdust trail’ as my friend predicted a long time ago. Willing to share my thoughts on things. Believing that having faith and hope and an open mind is a great way to live. Believing that that is a better way to live than just being totally materialistic.

So, it’s your life. What works for you? Embittered from having a bad experience with religion? Consider some alternatives, I say. Don’t give up on contemplating the great mystery of life. Become an exvangelical if you feel you must. Explore Omnism, the good parts of all religions. Most of philosophy says that we must find some meaning in life. Not necessarily answers, but we must give our life meaning if we are going to survive this mysterious chaos called existence. For me, life is all about love. It took me a lifetime to come to this insight, but thank God (or the whatever) I now know what I know ((which isn’t much, really.) I know that I don’t know much of anything. Live love. Life is better that way, as I see it.

Wally

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Your Story [ Post #100 ]

So, what’s your story? What is your life story? Don’t we all have one? A story that is unique for us. A story that nobody else on this earth has. A story that we have created, or a story that we think happened to us with which we had some or little control over. I am fascinated with people’s stories.

I am fascinated by how some people have very unremarkable beginnings and turn out to be amazing individuals who create unbelievable lives, invent incredible things and advance our civilization to new heights. Then there are those who just seem to gravitate to awful lives and do much evil with their time on this earth.

So, our story. What is our story? I think we all know of people who have a horrible or miserable story. A story they are sometimes absorbed in totally and cannot break out of their negativity. Some end up just living totally in their misery and often shorten their lives through their addictions or their decision to end it all through suicide. Sad, I say, but understandable in a sense. We need to have good perspective and good activity and relationships to live positively and productively and successfully. And, I would add, a faith of some sort. If we don’t have those things, well, I say, we are living a fragile and dangerous life. I have seen several friends live like that and often have a very unhappy ending to it all.

I feel my story has changed in the past couple of years or so. I feel I had a rough early life with my family and all that’s involved in growing up. I have written about some it in previous blogs posts. So, yes, I did have some rough times early in my family life. But now I feel different about it all. Yes, I was unhappy with several things early on. But I made it through those times and made my decisions to go in new directions. And now I see that I needed to go through all I went through to get where I am today. In other words, it all worked out in the end. I see all the pieces of the puzzle now fitting together, as it were. And that’s a good, liberating feeling.

So, our story. We have a lot to do with how we see our story. We can be imprisoned and stuck with our story for all our life. Or, if we work at it, we can break out of our self-imposed story and see everything in a new way. And I would say that’s what we need to do. Step outside our “story.” If a process is needed, such as therapy or deep spiritual work, I say go for it. We have a right to have a good life, to be in touch with the invisible, good forces, the Divine aspects of life. I believe we all have the possibility of getting in touch with the Good. But if we don’t do that, well, life can be bad, really bad and sad.

Like I said, everything, everything brought me to where I am today. I have found the love of my life (which for most of my life I did not think was possible). I have accomplished my life dreams of obtaining my pilot licenses and flight instructor certificates. I have literally traveled around the world. I have had great times with great friends. And the crap, well, just part of the whole process, the lessons to be learned.

All of this was recently brought to mind when I met up with two good friends from my college years of a half century ago. They had stories about me to tell and informed my husband about those crazy years living in the dorm at school. I didn’t quite remember everything but knew that was my story at that time.

Meeting up with old college buddies, dorm roommate and dormmate after a half century. Stories to tell!

So, my advice is to look at your story. See it as clearly as you can. And be open to seeing it differently, if necessary. Break out of your repetitious story to created a new, better context if necessary. This is your one life. Enjoy it! Touch your Divinity, your connection to the universe, all of life, existence, love.

Wally

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There Is No Path [Post # 99]

So, the theme of my blog is : “On the Path… It’s a Wonderful Life.” And here I’m saying that there is no path. Perhaps I should clarify that statement to say that there is no ONE path! We are led to believe that there is one path, the right path. Take that one path and our life will be great, wonderful, in fact; we are taught that early in life. For many, that path is a religious path. Just join and commit to the correct religion and you’re set for a good life and a good “after life” with God, in heaven.

Well, I don’t think so. Not quite that simple. I haven’t found anybody that is that committed to every aspect of whatever path they are taking through life if that path is a religious path, especially a rigid, very strict path of whatever religion or leader, with the exception of cults, perhaps. For most of us, we may basically accept a path laid out before us by others or a religion or philosophy. I think that there are many, who, like me, accept some of what others proclaim is “the way” to live a good life. But they do not accept everything. They take some truths from here and some from there. They, in the end, formulate their “own path.” And that is how I believe it should be.

I’ve known “good Catholics,” “good Mormons,” “good Baptists,” good jews,” etc. but they do not go along with everything their particular religion insists on their adherents agreeing to. In my own journey I had to change my thinking many times, and it still changes all the time. I began with joining an evangelical Christian denomination in my teens. That worked for a while but eventually caused me problems as life moved along. After theological seminary graduate school, I eventually considered myself an atheist due to my inability to accept beliefs I was told were the truth, the only “way.” But later on, I returned to some more “open” spiritual teachings and found my way back to a path that was “my path”, my way to experience the ineffable.

So, it seems we all have to find our own path, right? Yes, you may align with a particular religion or spiritual path, or you may not. I think it helps to basically align with something. To be a completely materialistic person, narcissistic or living off of artificial stimulants, whether possessions or sex or drugs or whatever just does not make a good life as I see it.

So, “find your own path” is my mantra. Center yourself somehow in something good. Don’t get “sucked in” to culture, society, the media, trends, miserable friends and other bad influences. Think about who your “teachers” are in your life. You are probably somebody’s disciple, if you think about it. You learned how to live from somebody in your life. Who was that teacher for you?

Think it over. Who were your teachers? Who influenced you? Who and what teaching did you follow? How did you avoid going down the “wrong” path (and I am hoping you did avoid doing that)? Are you living the true religion? Your religion? Traveling your path?

I went through a lot on my journey. I faced making the wrong turns many times. Turns in the road that could have destroyed me. Yes, scary. Yes, lucky. Well, lucky I say, but really I feel I was led and guided all along the way from my very early years. By what? By what people call “God?” My “higher self?” To me it is all mystery, but I have no problems, really, with the term God, Spirit, Life Force.

So, to wrap this essay up, I will give you my secrets to traveling “my” path. There are many things I could say, but the points that come to mind right now are: Always move forward, forgive, retreat and rest and refresh, contemplate, love, give thanks. Those practices are found in several religions. And if I am a disciple of any sages, I would put Jesus and Buddha and perhaps a couple others at the top of that list. May your path work for you. My advice, again, is “do not blindly accept a path presented to you without serious study and thought and consultation with your “higher self, true self or divine intuition.”

Wally

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Surviving My “Death Date” [ Post # 98 ]

Okay, this one is a bit weird, I admit. But it happened. I thought I’d write about this recent experience while it is fresh in my memory. It all started when….

Several months ago, I was just messing around on the internet. I “googled” (just for fun) “when am I going to die?” I had done this in the past and I got all sorts of interesting answers. I answered the questions on the website such as age, medical situations I have, etc. and when I completed that I hit “enter.” When the response came back quickly, I about fainted, I think.

The answer the website gave me was, “Your probable year of demise … 2023.” What?!!! Holy #^$*^#@! I was NOT expecting that! I had never experienced a date that close being the answer to that question. Like I said, I had done this exercise a few time before and I always got a date many years in the future. I couldn’t believe this website would give such a close date to this morbid question. This really shocked me. Yet, I, in jest (well, sort of) thought, well perhaps I should ask God what’s up with this, so I said, “Okay, God, and what is the date for this event?” “June 16th was the response I heard loud and clear, with even a vision of that date before me!

The response to my inquiry of “when will I die.”

Oh, great, I thought. Now I have my death date to deal with in the coming months. This experience was so stunning and certain. What did I get myself into, I asked? Well, there was nothing to do at that point and the date was months away, so maybe I can just forget all about it, was my thinking. Yeah, right, I was just going to forget about it. I don’t think so.

Well, as the date given to me came closer and closer, I did a lot of thinking. What if this was true and I was given the privilege of knowing when my end is coming? What to do? When asked by a few friends that knew about this premonition what chance I thought there was of this being an accurate “preview” of the end, I responded with “I give it a 50/50 chance of being a real thing, a true premonition. And that was where I was with all of this. I know strange things like this can happen. I recall reading in one of Deepak Chopra’s books (I think that’s where I read it) that we could know the date of our demise if we really want to and ask God to tell us.

Yes, I did try some other websites to see what other dates came up in answer to my question.

So, what to do? I felt strange with this dilemma before me, so I did some deep thinking. I realized, well, it’s possible this is the end of it all. I have had a long life. I have had a very satisfying life, what I considered a very “complete” life. I thought back and realized that I had accomplished all of my dreams. I had accomplished getting all of my pilot licenses, I worked in the aviation field, and I got to travel the world (literally; my first free airline trip I took was around the world in 1974). I got a good education. I made several good friendships and eventually found the love of my life (been together for thirty-four years and married for eight). If I were to die right now, I would be very satisfyied with my life and willing to let it go (got to do that someday). So, why not now? A weird place to be and a weird feeling to have about all of this morbid stuff.

So, as that day approached, I accepted the possibility that this was “it.” I thought, well I don’t have to make amends, I don’t have to forgive anyone, I don’t have to have drama about all of this. I will just accept this as it is, if this is the end. Thankfully I was not sick and suffering in pain or anything like that. I was feeling great and really happy with my life. In a good state of mind. A good way to go, as I saw it.

So, the day came. I lived through the day. I did wonder if I might just suddenly collapse and that would be it. I was very attentive the whole day. Everything was going well. I even joked with friends that maybe this would be the day I would take up a new sport, of skydiving.

I made it through the day just fine. When I went to bed I was hoping I would wake up the next morning (alive, on this earth) and I did! I was a happy man. So, what was this all about?

Spending some time reflecting on this weird experience, here’s what I have come up with. This experience seemed to me to be like a “dress rehearsal” for the real thing, the end of my life. I actually faced the unpleasant possibility that this was the time for it all to end. I was surprised that I actually felt okay with it all. Like I said, I wanted to live a lot more, but, you know, we usually don’t have control over that part of life. I realized that I had a good life. I had nothing to agonize about regarding my relationships. My relationships were good and honest and loving. Even with people I really didn’t like. I held no hatred, no grudges or resentments against them. I wished them well to go on with their lives, on their paths (which I may not understand), and live good lives as much as possible. I feel that is the Christ / Buddha / Vishnu, whatever, in me. Let them (those people I do not particularly like) be. Let me be.

I feel now that there is more to live. Perhaps some new stuff to do. To explore. To stay on the good path and see where we go. And, yes, that final last day will come at some point, but now I have a little more understanding and preparedness for it, I feel. Perhaps that was my lesson through all of this. Still praying for and hoping for a lot more life to experience but feeling good about all I have lived through. So, let’s “hang in there” and see what’s next, where we’re going to go on this journey called “life.”

Wally

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Don’t Know Nutin ! [ Post # 97 ]

Living a long life, getting a good education; living a good, in fact great life, and then continuing my education (life-long learning), you’d think I would know a lot, wouldn’t you? Well, I’m here to tell you I’m at the point that I don’t think I know much at all. Don’t hardly know nutin I’d say (well, you certainly don’t know good English I hear you saying!)

The more I study, the more education I get, the more I realize we are all somehow surviving this thing called life however we can without really knowing much about it at all! Oh, yeah you say, we’re getting smarter and smarter. Well, maybe we’re getting more technologically advanced, but I see that as very different than getting smarter, more intelligent, obtaining wisdom, evolving our humanity, learning from history, taking the best from our religions and philosophies, etc.

Like I said, I’ve studied a lot. Listened to the “experts,” the professionals, professors, sages, teachers, gurus, etc., and I’m not impressed. Not impressed that THEY have the truth. Oh, yes, I’m impressed with their knowledge, no question about that. Impressed that they have studied so much in their field. But having a lot of knowledge, having a brilliant brain and intellect does not relate to having the truth about life and purpose and ethics and morality.

I say you have to think for yourself. Yes, take in all the knowledge and wisdom and learn all you can. Connect to your “higher self,” the invisible realm of the “whatever” (Spirit, God, eternal wisdom and truth). Be open. Be observant. Be detached, be removed from the entanglements of the insane parts of life. And, I’d say, realize no one, no group has total truth, no one has the answer, really.

So, once again, I’m writing an essay, not writing a book, so I’m just getting my point across. I don’t need to convince anyone of anything. Perhaps you think you know a lot. Perhaps you are a “know-it-all.” Or at least have strong and absolutely correct opinions on everything. Know some people like that? I sure do.

So, here’s how I see it. This life is a grand experiment. This country is a grand experiment. Religions are grand experiments, as are philosophies. History is not a fixed fact, nor is science. Historical perspectives and conclusions change over time. Science changes over time (google “Science Wars’). Don’t believe this? Then do a lot of studying. Go deep. See what you missed in your “basic education,” or your “church religion.” I say run away from those who speak absolute certainty about things. Those who claim they have found the “truth.”

I don’t know notin” much! And that no longer scares me or makes me uncomfortable. I do not fear the “mystery.” That’s life.

Yes, I admire those professors and teachers that have gotten all the education they have and the degrees they have earned. I am astounded how they pursued their education as far as they did. That’s great. And I am pleased when they actually open up and admit that they don’t know everything. They just know a lot of stuff they studied and are passing it on to others. But what do we really know? Ah, that’s the way I look at it. Life is an experiment, as I see it. I’m watching. I’m learning (I hope!). I have to just enjoy the journey.

And, from Wikipedia:

Wally

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Three Things We All Do / Will Do [ Post #96 ]

We all live such different lives. We all have different worlds we live in, both on a personal, individual level, and on a social, communal level. No matter how different we all are, I was thinking about three things we all do, and will do, whether we are aware of them or not. I really don’t think there are any exceptions to these if we have lived any substantial amount of time on this earth.

The first thing I believe we all do is find our own god (or God). “What”, you say? No, not everybody finds God. Some people never really think about God much at all, some spend a good portion of their lives “searching for God,” and some people are sure they have found God and live with a certainty that they know God and everything about God and living the spiritual life. And some are certain that there is no such thing as God or a spiritual, other realm (those described as “atheists” or agnostics).

I say, I think we all find our god (or God). Everyone. What is god to you? What drives you? What do you live for? What gives you meaning? What keeps you from just giving up, becoming overwhelmed by everything? Why live? I’m saying that if we stay here and continue living our lives, there’s something that we consider our “god.”

For some people with a lot of ambition and drive and perhaps insecurity, money is their god. Don’t we all see that? Some people are driven only by money. Getting rich, very rich. Proving that they are better than anyone else. Having more money than everyone else, that’s success. For others, there are other things that become their god. How about sex for the sex addicts? Relationships for the relationship addicts? Drugs and alcohol become gods for many. Of course for some religious people the God of their particular religion becomes their God. I’m saying we all find something that becomes our “god,” even if we don’t see it that way.

On a personal note, I must say that I’ve never been a shallow person. I’ve always been a deep person, even if I didn’t know that in my earlier life. I never got hooked on the superficialities of life, as I see it. I was never into accumulating a lot of possessions. Or trying to be or look better than anyone else. Money was never a god for me. Yes, money is very important in having a good life and functioning well through all of life’s phases, but I never considered it a god like some people do. So, what is my God?

I would say my God is the creative, life force that gave me life and has sustained my life this far. I would not say it is the God of the church, the temple, the synagogue, most religions. Well, yes in some sense, but religious systems have a well-defined, concocted definition of God that I see as limited and a speculative invention. My God is the universal force of the universe, whatever the hell that is. And it is very real to me. Coming from an evangelical Christian background in my teens, that is a major shift in my theology.

My walks in the cemetery help me reflect on the deeper aspects of life.

So, I’m saying we all find our God in this life, whether we realize that or admit to that or not. And my second thing we all do, as I see it, is we all have our own life story inside of us. Some of us openly tell others our story, perhaps in a book such as an autobiography. I haven’t written my autobiography, but I have written over ninety blog posts telling a lot of my life stories. A lot of my life story is in those ninety or so essays. And, or course, many people do not write out their stories, but they do have them inside of their heads, so to speak. Many keep them there all their life and die with them. Others, like myself, tell them in bits and pieces as we wander through life with our friends and companions.

And then there is the one thing we all will do as this life comes to a conclusion. When the time comes, we all must face the impermanence of life and let go of everything. Yes, let go of everything, totally, completely. That’s not being morbid, really, as I see it, that’s being realistic. We all have to do that. And it may take various forms.

Some of us will have time to ponder this end stage of life. We will face it for a certain period of time before we “let go.” Others may experience a quick or even instantaneous release of our life. Some may let go in their sleep. No matter how, I think we all play some part in the letting go and releasing of our grasping of life. That’s my thinking about this, but I guess we don’t know anything for sure until that time comes and we experience it.

So, how do I feel about all of this? Well, I feel good about my concept of God. Not that I understand much of any of it, even being the theologian that I am. And about our life story we carry around with us all through life. Well, I’ve worked on letting some of that story out through my writing and sharing with people. My good friends have a pretty decent and accurate sense of who I am, and I’m cool with that. And then, that final part, that letting go. Well, I’d prefer to live forever here on this earth plane, but that is not up to me. Nature has its laws, and all living things must die. So, I guess we just have to deal with that. I do work at being in a good place of peace, love and completeness with life, including forgiveness where necessary so I can leave this life feeling good about my life. And, if consciousness survives physical death, well, I’ll be somewhere with God or the creative force. Perhaps with the sages. That would be nice. Perhaps with Jesus, whom I love dearly. And if there is no consciousness after life ceases, well, case closed. Life is over and done with. And I hope that is not the case. Out of my hands, like so much of life.

Live the best life you can. That’s my advice. Be love. Be compassion. Be with the universal life force (God if you will). And let it go when it is over. Go in peace, go in joy, go in love. Be thankful for it all.

Wally

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NDE’S ? Not Really, But Weird [Post # 94]

So, a while back, I was reading about the actress Marilu Henner and read about a fascinating phenomenon. She says she has total recall memory. She can remember specific details of virtually every day of her life since she was a child. She can remember virtually every day of her life? Wow, that blew my mind. Got me doing some research on that topic. The condition is called hyperthymesia. Yes, it’s a real phenomenon, also known as highly superior autobiographical memory (HSAM). And, yes, it’s a rare condition. Only about 61 people in the world have been diagnosed with this condition as of 2021. Doesn’t that blow your mind?

So, I began thinking. I certainly don’t have total recall of the many memories of my life. I am not one of those 61 people in the world. But I thought about what deep memories do I have from my long life. There are lots of memories in my mind, of course. But what came to mind in consideration of this subject were four long-term memories which were deeply burned into my memory. Memories I know I will have as long as I live. Memories that are so vivid it is as if they happened today.

The very first one burned into my memory is when I was about six years old and going under the anesthesia for my tonsillectomy surgery. When the anesthesiologist put the mask over my face and told me to count backwards from 100, I went into a very strange place. As the ether was taking affect, I was in a completely dark, strange place. I mean blacker that anything I’ve ever experienced. A black “void” I would call it. I felt I was going somewhere. I felt God was close to me and taking me through this experience. I felt a strange completeness with God, life, the universe. At first I was scared, of course, but I quickly submitted to the experience and let go into the void. And I felt okay with it all. I felt a trust of wherever I was going, with whatever was happening. It was a strange feeling of weird comfort. And of course, the next thing I remember was being back in my hospital bed recovering from my surgery. And I never told anyone about that brief experience with the ether mask putting me under.

Another vivid experience and memory from my childhood or very early years (I’m not sure of my age then) was a vision or dream or whatever of my brother, my father and me walking along a path with Jesus, talking about things, about life. I really don’t think it was a dream, I believe it was a vision, and it was so real, as if it just happened a few seconds ago. A very clear, crystal-clear vision of us walking and talking about things. And Ii was amazed, thinking how did we get here and why are we doing this and how did we come together? And why, since my brother and father were not “religious” types at all. Strange.

Okay. In my adult life I had a strange experience all about death and the process of dying. I was under the influence of pot, I admit, but it was a very vivid experience, a very real experience. I can’t compare it with anything else I’ve experienced in my life. It was about the process of dying. I really can’t put it into words, but I was on my deathbed and going through the process of letting go and just being with the whole process and realizing this is what it’s like, and that this is going to happen someday. That there’s no way around this experience, it’s really going to happen like this. A total “letting go.” A similar experience to my tonsillectomy experience but even more detailed and real and certain. Like I said, I can’t really put it into words.

And then, several years ago I had a dream that was unlike any others I have had. Yes, I’ve of course had many, many strange dreams in my life, but this one was different and was burned into my mind and consciousness unlike any others.

I was in a space capsule in deep space. I was all alone. It was eerily quiet, and it was completely dark, a darkness and silence I cannot put into words, just like my tonsillectomy experience, once again. I was all alone. With the universe, with all life, with God. Words cannot convey the feeling of being in a space capsule in deep space. But I will never erase that memory from my mind. Very profound.

So, what are these experiences? Why have I had these four very bizarre experiences, all seemed to be concerned with the purpose of life, with the experience of being with the ultimate experience, God, if you will? I cannot explain them in any way except to somehow compare them to some experiences I have read about regarding Near Death Experiences (NDEs). They are mysteries I just have to live with, not knowing the meanings at all, really. I’m sure others have had similar odd experiences. My spouse had an experience of being in a bright yellow tunnel coming out from anesthesia after surgery years ago. He said it was the brightest yellow light he’s ever seen. And he does not have these type of experiences, he rarely remembers dreams at all. I have forgotten many other memories, but these will stay with me forever. As I have said, they are burned into my mind. I take the good meanings from these experiences instead of something else such as dread or fear. It is all good and I try to learn the lessons given from the “wherever.”

Wally

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What Are We? / What Am I? [ Post #88 ]

Maybe I spend too much time thinking about things. Maybe I go too deep in thought, contemplation and searching for answers to the mystery of life. In a blog a year or two ago I mentioned I was going to explore philosophy as that was one subject in college that I just did the minimum of study in, due to my other interests at the time. So, what has come of that study and research? Since I occasionally have people ask me what I believe in, what my religion and my philosophy are, I thought it was time to sit down and explain where I am at this point in my life (and perhaps, where I’ve been).

So, to put it in a nutshell, as they say, I would say that today, I am a Zen-Stoic Christian Spiritualist. Yes, I’m a ZSCS. That’s the best I can come up with at this point. So let me explain what I mean by all of this. I’ll say a little about each part of my self-identity, but I must say, up front, I am no scholar, no academic, no expert on any of this. I’m just me trying to figure out what I am in the whole scheme of things.

A good course on modern-day Stoicism and an excellent book on modern-day Zen

First off, I see myself at least in a basic way a Zen Buddhist in how I live. Now, there are books and books on this subject, and like all philosophies and religions, there are many, many branches. but I’m just interested in the basics. Zen is basically a meditation technique connected with the Buddhist philosophy. It is meditation. It is about being in the silence and looking at life. Seeing life as it is, right now, in your (my) face. Whatever is going on in one’s life, what is right in your face, as I said. Suspending judgment, opinions, anger, etc. as best as you can. Just being with what is. Just being there. Looking at what is. As people say, “it is what it is!” That may sound awful, but, in reality, that is the truth. If something awful has happened, it has happened. It can’t be undone by denial, by saying it did not happen. Our human reaction is usually denial and thus, creating all sorts of psychological problems.

Like I said, this is a very simple explanation of these parts of my self-identity. So, also, stoicism I find very similar to Zen. Many years ago, I came to the conclusion I was basically a stoic after reading about stoicism. Stoicism gets misinterpreted these days, I think, as being a philosophy of cold, detached, non-feeling, non-caring people. That is not accurate at all. Stoicism is very concerned with living an ethical, virtuous life. It, like Zen, asks what is true, right now, in this moment, what is staring you in the face. Without judgment, opinions, just what is. (Not very easy to do for most of us most of the time). I would say, for most of my life, this was an impossible state to put myself in. I was always reacting to everything happening to me, often in extreme, inappropriate ways. I did not handle situations calmly, with a feeling that things would work out. My “triggers” were always being activated.

A book I have not read yet, but sounds excellent with excellent reviews

Now, regarding the “Christian” part of my identity. I have in previous blogs mentioned I do not like the term Christian so much these days. In today’s religious and political climate that word just has so many bad associations attached to it. And really, what is Christianity? Jesus was not a Christian; he was a Jew. His religion was Judaism. So, for me, a better descriptive term would be “Jesus follower.” I’m a Jesus follower. And, in my recent blog I explained that I love Jesus. So, yes, I love Jesus and follow his teachings. But our culture is basically Christian, so that term is the one used to describe Jesus’ followers. As a theologian I know says, “I’m culturally Christian and spiritually unlimited.” That works for me.

So, having very briefly covered the Zen, Stoic and Christian (Jesus follower) parts of my self-identity we come to the last part, spiritualist. To me, this only means that I realize and feel that there is more to life than the material, physical, seen world. I’m not into ouija boards, dramatic seances, etc. Not into witchcraft and all of that. But I know there seems to be more than the visible world in this life, this existence we experience. I’ve had some encounters with the unseen or Spirit world. Even science says openly that we only see about 5% or so of what exists in our world. Probably 95% of existence is invisible. I find it amazing for science to say that. Everything we see is not all of existence, in other words. Amazing, I say.

So, I’m (at this point in my life) a Zen-Stoic Christian (or “Jesus follower’) Spiritualist. Works for me. I think the hardest things in life are learning that there is only change. Nothing is permanent, as the Buddha taught. If we can handle that and live with that somehow, we can cope with life in an enlightened way. Life is hard. Life is constant change. Life is painful at times. And life can be good. We can’t control it all. It must be lived moment-by-moment. Be in the moment and have a good one, as much as you can.

This is just a brief overview of where I am now. I have not gotten into beliefs in any detail. In fact, I’m not big on “beliefs.” In fact, Christianity was the first religion to come along with belief and doctrines being a big important part of the religion. “Have the right beliefs” is the main thrust of evangelical and fundamentalist, conservative Christians and churches. Not for me. I wrote a previous blog on how I love Jesus, but I did not discuss any beliefs I had about him. Maybe a future blog will deal more with beliefs we have, but for me, just living the right life, the virtuous, ethical, moral life is what’s important. Zen, Stoicism, Christianity (following Jesus) and spirituality are part of my life now, not doctrines, creeds and dogma, etc. And so it is.

Wally

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I Love Jesus! [ Post # 87]

Yeah, just what the hell does THAT mean? Some of the most hateful people claim that they ”love Jesus!” And the hate groups say that, also. But guess what… I’ll be right up front and say that, yes, “I love Jesus.” I’ve done my theological work. I’ve studied the gurus, sages, holy and enlightened ones. I hold in high regard the many spiritual mystics and leaders I’ve studied. But I find Jesus unique among them all. I don’t just feel a rapport with him, I’d say I love him.

I love the various scriptures of the major religions I’ve studied. Especially the Hindu scriptures. loving Jesus doesn’t preclude my being deeply moved by what other religions proclaim in their writings and traditions. I love truth wherever it’s found. And regardless of what the evangelicals and religious fundamentalists say, truth is not found only in the Bible in an inerrant manner. Just not so.

Belief is belief, truth is truth. Of course, the philosophers can carry on and on about this subject, but you know beliefs do not make truth. I think it is better to say that we have belief. We have faith. We may have hope. But… truth? Who has truth? Take any two people and they will see truth differently. Or what they consider truth.

So, I declare that I love Jesus. Do I understand all his teaching? No. And obviously, most others do not. Those who are in the hate groups, they do not live Jesus’ teaching of love and compassion and knowing God and living in the kingdom of God here on this earth. They hate, they hurt and kill. They desire and hope for and work towards a Christian dictatorship, an authoritarian state government, etc. That’s not what Jesus taught. That’s not what I see Jesus is about.

Jesus taught some hard stuff. The Buddha taught the truest thing about life is the impermanence of everything in life. That change is the only truth, really. Even Islam has some good teachings if you really look into their scripture. And the Hindu scriptures teach a lot about how to live the good life. Like I said, I accept truth wherever I find it. And of all the teachers, gurus, preachers, I choose to love Jesus. I highly regard and respect the many spiritual teachers, but it is Jesus I love.

Wally