So, we live our lives. We have lots of choices to make on our “journey.” Many, many choices. Many twists and turns for some of us. Not knowing what we want or where we’re going, sometimes for a short period as we move through life. For some, a long time of not knowing where they want to go, as far as a career, a work life, or perhaps even a “calling.” Some of us end up making good choices (eventually), others make some bad choices along the way and end up not having a good life. And, yes, that is sad.
So, my story, my life, ended up going well in the long run but it had its moments of real confusion and uncertainty, shall we say. Early in life I figured I would graduate from high school and probably just get a menial job. That seems to be what my family, especially my father imagined. Just get a job, marry and have a family and live the average mediocre life, like everyone else. I didn’t really think about it all that much. But after high school I became interested in the possibility of getting some more education. I had a religious insight or experience in my teen years and I just sensed that I would benefit from additional education after high school. I did go to college and as my college years ended, I thought about possibly entering the ministry in the evangelical church I was involved in during that time.
I went on to theological seminary after college and enjoyed that first year of seminary. I found religious study fascinating and also confrontational. The more I studied, the deeper I pursued theological and religious studies, the more I saw that religion was really a system developed a long time ago by people wanting to set down a belief system and have some control over people. The questions were many about how the Christian religion developed and I realized that what is often “preached” at us is, well, not accurate or true or even good. But, this all fascinated me tremendously. I was a bit overwhelmed, I guess you could say, by all of this, so I decided I needed a break from these academic studies for a bit.
I advised the dean of my seminary that I would not be returning for my second year of my Masters of Divinity program, that I needed a break. His response to me was that he knew I would return as this was my “calling,” my mission you could say. That gave me a good feeling in a sense.
I left Chicago and returned to Los Angeles and eventually got started in my airline career, as I always had a strong interest in aviation and flying. I eventually went through a period of great doubt of all things religious and became a self-described atheist. I did not return to seminary, but I did continue to pursue my deep interest in things religious and spiritual and my philosophical pondering. Those interests never left me. To this day I study deeply in these areas in my lifetime learning process I guess you could say.
So, I never did enter the ministry officially. I have done some preaching and guest speaker engagements in churches over the years. I enjoyed that but never wanted a career doing that. So that career path was abandoned a long time ago.
Another path I did not go down was the all-American dream of getting married and having a family. For a long time, I just assumed that would be my life, where I was headed. But I never felt right about that path. It was what was expected of me, but I just knew it was not right for me. And I’m glad I didn’t go that route. It would have been a disaster, I’m sure. Something just told me “no,” don’t do that. Again, I made the right decision with my life.
That may have been the right decision for me, but there are consequences of that decision. I now have no “family,” meaning children. I am missing out on the experience of being a father and having kids to have family experiences with. That’s just the way it is, and, as I say, it would not have worked out if I had gone that route, I’m sure. The right choice, but consequences from that decision.
Other paths I did not take, thank God, were destructive paths I saw others take. Addictions, drugs, uncontrolled sexual experiences and destructive romantic relationships. Crime and unlawful actions. I basically stuck to the moral and ethical path in my life, but I was not perfect by any means. But I feel the choices I made did save me from self-destruction. I never thought I’d live as long as I have, so my life has been a miracle as I see it. I realize this fact every day. Every day I wake up is a miracle in my view. The spirituality I experienced over the years evolved and has been a big influence in my life. Yes, I may have abandoned the structured religious life, the ministry I thought I was heading for, but it all worked out. I made the right decisions, even through times of uncertainty and confusion.
So, do I feel my life was directed by some “power,” something beyond any real comprehension? People use the word God for this power and that is fine with me. I’m just not of the fundamentalist or evangelical persuasion as I was earlier in my life. Even one of my recent blogs was about how I love Jesus. I just don’t go along with all the “baggage” that statement often assumes. I feel the inner Christ and the Buddha in my life. And when I meet agnostics and atheists on my journey, I understand them, where they’re coming from. Been there, done that on my journey, but I kept evolving. Eventually I came back to much of what I glimpsed earlier in my life. A spiritual dimension now free of structured “beliefs.”
So, the story of our lives. We do choose our paths. We say yes to some things, no to others. And there are consequences to our choices. I am at peace with my choices and I hope you can say the same.
Wally