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Existential Angst and Thanatophobia [Post # 106]

Well, those are two terms that probably need a little explaining. Perhaps a better title of this essay would be “the mystery of life and the mystery / fear or anxiety of death.” Ahhh, the biggies of life. Yeah, when we get older and realize, ahhh, our future is rather limited, and we are honest with ourselves, we look at things differently than we may have previously. My perspective is a bit different and a bit more intense at this stage of life than it was previously. In other words, the end is near and I don’t like what I’m seeing down the road (or right in front of me, perhaps).

So much of life is lived in denial, it seems. We are so busy living, struggling with life, achieving something, acquiring “stuff,” etc., that we don’t really think about the deep, meaningful aspects of our short time on this earth plane. Most people, anyway.

I’ve always been a deep thinker, a philosopher, perhaps a theologian of sorts. A believer, a non-believer, an agnostic, an atheist, a skeptic. Life is a real mystery and I understand and see that. And, yes, it drives me nuts if I think about it for very long. I’m currently studying science, history (my major in college), philosophy, theology and psychology in depth. And, yes, I’m enjoying the study. But the more I study, the more I learn, the more I realize there are no answers to the mystery of it all. There are facts, there are beliefs, there are experiences. There are systems or organizations claiming to have answers (usually called religions or belief systems or philosophies). Or cults or other groups. Lots of explanations, lots of “answers,” but “The answer”… well… some day we may know more of the answer, or maybe not.

That’s the existential angst. What’s it all about? And the thanatophobia. The anxiety or fear of death and the death process. Yeah, I see that in conjunction with the angst. Another great mystery. And we can feel all nice and secure in our beliefs and spiritual insights and enlightenment, but, really, we have to confront it and we know not when. And that drives me nuts. It’s not just theory, imaginings. It’s gonna be real. Time’s up.

I just had a friend die unexpectedly after being at our house having a good time. He went home and had a heart attack that night. And so it is with so many of us. One day here having a great time, and then, poof, gone.

Maybe I’ve been a morbid one most of my life. My first experience with death was when my cousin came to Los Angeles for a heart operation about age five or six, the same age I was. We were here playing one day, having a great time. Then, the next day he had his surgery, and he died. Poof. I didn’t know for a while what happened. I just knew something was wrong as his mother and my mother just walked about crying all day.

My first experience with death. Playing with my cousin the day before his death undergoing heart surgery.

In college I spent a summer living in a mortuary being a caretaker of the establishment and I got a free apartment for my work there. I was involved in many aspects of the business, assisting the morticians in various tasks. Very creepy at times but of course I was fascinated with it all.

Also, in my college years I would enjoy walking up the hill from my dorm and walking through the cemetery that was there. Felt a strange sense of peace and angst of sorts. Got me thinking a lot about life.

In pervious blogs I mentioned I had two strange experiences in my life. One at around age six when I was going under the anesthesia for my tonsillectomy. I went to a strange dark void and had an experience that I can only explain as an “other worldly” experience (a contact with God?). That experience is as vivid as if it happened yesterday.

The other weird experience was a “dress rehearsal” of sorts of my own death. It was so real. It was an experience I really can’t put into words. I experienced dying. Really experienced the whole process. I cannot shake that from my mind, just like my going under anesthesia as a child. And many years later I had a dream like no other dream l ever had. I was in a space capsule all alone out in deep space. It was an eerie feeling. All alone, in the dark void, at the center of being. With “God” again? A feeling I can’t put into words, again.

So, those are my two anxieties. Guess I just have to live with them. The purpose of life. What it’s all about? We have to find that out for ourselves. We have to make our own purpose. And the big event coming our way, death; well, it can’t be avoided. Some people may be comfortable with the event that is ahead of us and that may come at any moment. Currently, I am not. No matter how “enlightened” I may be, I ain’t there yet. Things may change. As I see it, we must live in the mystery. The mystery of the purpose of life. The horror of experiencing death. And being happy till the end. Wow, that’s a lot to ponder.

Maybe others aren’t bothered like I am over these matters. Perhaps denial of death and not understanding the meaning of life is how most people live. It doesn’t work for me. That’s what I know. Being one with it all, being enlightened, having an inner, spiritual life is great, but, still, we know what’s coming. Not when or the how or what the experience will be like. I think my “dress rehearsal“ experience of dying while on drugs is probably pretty accurate of what it will be like, along with my other two experiences of the deep black, eerie, lonely “void.” That’s my feeling at the present time. Guess I won’t be able to come back to tell you or anyone.

I’m fascinated by the NDE (“near death experiences”) stories I’ve read about. I’m open to those stories and how they have affected people. But those are stories of the “transitional” state and the people come back. Don’t know of any that have come back after six months or so. Of course, there are the “past lives” stories, which are also fascinating.

Well, as of now, at this point in my life, all I can do is acknowledge my existential angst and my thanatophobia. I stand in awe (and trembling) of the great mystery. God help me cope with it all.

Wally

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Good Enough [ Post #105 ]

There is a phrase that I have been thinking about recently after reading something. I don’t recall what I was reading, but that phrase hit me, and it started me thinking. I was thinking all of the sudden about my, shall I call it, difficult childhood and early life. Yeah, I had some difficulties in my childhood at home, living with my parents and my brother (my sister had married when I was very young and had left the household). I was very depressed at times. Very unhappy, very confused. I had horrible thoughts and horrible visions of what I just might do, given the chance. Thank God we did not have any guns at our house. It was a different world and people weren’t so gun-crazy like they are today.

Anyway, it was a very dark time for me. Well, long story short, as they say, here I am many, many decades later and my life has worked out just fine. As you know if you’ve read my previous blogs, I achieved my dreams. I have found the love of my life. I have found the good life. I wish I was younger so that I had more life ahead of me now that I’m in a good place. (Yes, I know, maybe I do have a lot of good times ahead of me, but I have done the math and know that exceeding normal life expectancy is pretty rare and I have watched many, many friends and relatives pass on.) But the point of this essay is that I have finally looked at my life a lot (I guess that’s what we do if we live a long life). And then it hit me. Really hit me. My parents were “good enough.”

Yes, “good enough!” I don’t think I ever thought about that in such a way. You know, so many people that have had a rough childhood just think the worst, the darkest thoughts about their family and parents. But now, looking back from my current perspective, I realize that they were good enough. They really were. They did teach me and exemplified a pretty decent life. Taught me basic values, civility, etiquette, etc. And I survived, didn’t I? Here I am. So, there is something to be said about being good enough. Oh, they had their problems. I don’t deny that. Some very serious problems at times. But they were not abusive like the stories we hear about in families these days.

So, the term, good enough. That is almost a nasty term in our society today. Today we live in a very competitive world. We are taught to achieve excellence. To settle for nothing less. Go for the win. Winner take all. Kill the competition. Don’t be “just good enough.” Good enough is for losers, etc., etc. I think you get it.

Now, I am certainly not denigrating excellence or going for a win or being the best you can be. I am certainly for all of that. But what I’m saying is that there are places in life where it is good, even great to sometimes just be good enough.

Do you have those places in your life where “good enough” was just fine? We always wish for the best, but life is what it is. Sure, go for the best. Go for excellence. But also, be willing to accept there are times and areas in life where good enough is adequate, such as in my difficult childhood period. Wishing for something different than what was really gets you nowhere and can be damaging to your psyche, as I see it.

I have a friend who is an artist, and a good one. One day I asked her if she had a dream of having her own gallery and she responded, “no, no way, I’m happy just doing what I’m doing.” I asked two lawyer friends if they felt they failed in their careers by not getting on the supreme court. Same response, no. For myself, I had a childhood dream of being an airline pilot. Well, I was a commercial pilot and worked for a company at a local airport in that capacity, but never became an airline pilot. Was I a failure? No way. timing and things did not work out for me to have that result in my career. And that’s okay.

When my high school counselor told me that there was no way I was going to go to college because I was just a “C” student, I would have preferred that she told me something like, “hey, you’re good enough to go to college if you just worked hard at preparing for that path.”

Oh, well, you get my point. there are situations in life where good enough is good enough. Don’t beat yourself up over situations like my childhood perception. Have a good life. Be happy. Be thankful that your life has been “good enough.”

Wally

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What I’ve (We’ve) Missed in Life [Post # 104]

Okay, for those of us who have lived a while and are getting into our later stages of life, the thought crossed my mind of what we have missed in life experiences, whether by choice or the circumstances of life. For me, the one big thing I have missed is the experience of having a family of my own, in the old classic, culturally approved manner. You know, a heterosexual marriage with children and the experiences of parenthood. I did not go down that path, and that was of my own choosing. I am not regretting that choice at all, just acknowledging that that is a life experience I did not and will not have in this life.

It would not have worked, I know. I am sure of that. I was meant to live this life I’m living now and somehow, I knew this fact, (if not consciously) for most of my life. Yes, for the first portion of my life, until my early twenties, I just assumed I’d be “normal,” get married and do the family and parent thing. Never thought of any alternative. That was destiny for everybody I thought, and I was taught that all my life. Then, when I left graduate school and had to go into the workplace, I started thinking about what I was going to do with my life. I had avoided thinking like that for some time as I was too obsessed with just getting through school. In graduate school (theological seminary), I assumed I’d graduate and start serving as a minister in a church and get married and produce a happy family. Yeah, right.

In seminary, a fellow student confronted my one day and said he suspected that I was gay. I guess the fact I was not dating or talking about women in conversations, he caught on to something. Of course, I was mad and denied any such accusations. But that confrontation did get me thinking.

I had not even thought about not doing the “normal” thing of marriage and parenthood. But now it was time to consider what my life was to be. I got my job in aviation and began my work life, but now I had to think about my personal and relationship life. It hit me that traditional marriage and parenthood was not for me. I just knew that on some level. So, I delved into my work and my other interests and put aside any serious thoughts about relationships. And that was fine. I enjoyed life, truly. I would survive, and hopefully, thrive.

Well, I did eventually get into a couple of relationships and now am very happy with the love of my life. I feel that I chose the right path for me. I am so glad I did not try to pursue the path that society said I should choose. But, like I said, I will never know what it is like to be a parent. A good thing, I’m sure. but a life experience I will miss that most people get to experience. And no legacy to leave. No line of succession, so to speak. Something missed, but for me, that’s really okay.

So, thinking along those lines, what else have I missed in this life? I have missed certain experiences that I doubt I will experience now. I have not skied, either snow skiing or water skiing. I have not skydived. I have not experienced being a soldier in a war. (Well, I would not have gone down that path with my strong antiwar beliefs.) I never became a good athlete. Yeah, I did play some sports, but never excelled in anything. I never learned to play chess. I loved playing golf as a kid (my parents were in a country club and I liked playing golf). But my enjoyment of golf was destroyed for me when my brother-in-law gave me a talk one day about how if I was ever going to be somebody in this world (this society), I had to play golf. It was mandatory in order to be a successful man in the business world. Well, that attitude just turned me off, even though I loved the sport.

Now, at this age, I really miss not having gotten to know my family better, especially my parents. I would like to know where they came from, what they went through. Why they were the way they were. I missed some serious, deep conversations with them. Fortunately, my father was a writer, and he did write an autobiography of sorts which was found after his death. Interesting, but I’d love to know a lot more.

I’ve known some friends that were in wars (WWII, Vietnam, etc.), but usually, they won’t talk about those experiences. I would really like to have deep conversations with them, but that’s not possible. Maybe that’s why I generally feel life is so much BS and we never really discuss things of great importance. So much of life is lived on such a superficial level.

So, we live life and so much of it is superficial, as I see it. We miss so much. I’m glad I missed a lot of the bad stuff of life. I did not make big mistakes, take serious wrong turns and acquire self-destructive habits and addictions. Glad about that, but I would like to have experienced a deeper experience than is normal in our short lifetime in this superficial society. Oh, well, that’s how it is.

At this point, all I can do is commit to being more honest, more real, more open to those who are willing to be open with me as we live out this portion of our lives. I just don’t have time to waste on the shallow, the superficial, the BS, the hate and bitterness of life. Life has been hard at times, but good and wonderful. It’s taken a lot of work to keep my sanity, I feel, but it is worth it. So, let’s carry on and do our best to live out our lives in peace, happiness and joy. Are you happy with your life? How do you feel about what you have missed out on in your life?

Wally

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Not A Bible Thumper, But…. [ Post # 103 ]

So, a good, long-term friend of mine told me a long time ago, “Wally, I know in the coming years (decades in the future), you are going to hit the “sawdust trail.” I just know that. Hmmm… I thought. What is he saying? What is he talking about? Well, you’ve probably picked up from reading my blogs that I do have a spiritual side to my life. I do have a history in the “evangelical” church movement, I was in college in the “Jesus’ freak” years of the 60’s and 70’s. I ran around with a charismatic, Pentecostal group of college buddies and had some very good, inspiring times, I admit. Going on to theological seminary after college I got to study “theological” and religious things, yes, and that inspired me to continue some deep study in the field. When my professor said we do not want to tell our congregations what we learned here in seminary because it would cause them to lose their faith, I thought, wow, I’ve got to dig deep into this stuff to see what the truth is about all this “church” stuff.

Well, I later gave up on it all. I became what I considered to be an atheist. But a couple of years later I thought, I really need to explore this whole field more as atheism didn’t make a lot of sense to me either. Many atheists I met were rigid and closed minded, so on I went on with my further study.

Some people who claim to be Omnists: Ellen Burstyn, John Coltrane, Shaquille O’Neal. Chris Martin, Kyrie Irving, Ramakrishna, Philip James Bailey (who first coined the term).

Eventually I settled on a spiritual journey more in line with my life experience and my “inner sense” or inner knowing. I recently came across a term for people such as me, “exvangelical.” Okay, that works for me. I also found another term for where I’m at, Omnist.

So yes, maybe my friend was right. I continued on my spiritual quest and theological and philosophical study and now I definitely have some “spiritual” life. A mystery of life, of existence. But on a quest of trying to force people to come along with me on my specific journey? I don’t think so. Everyone has to find what works for them individually. My blogs have stated that I love Jesus, God and many sages from the ages. But that’s me, my way of living.

I went on the mission field as a construction worker for missionary friends many years ago. I have preached in churches. I have good friends that have been missionaries. I spend much time in spiritual practice and study daily, normally. But me telling anyone else what they should do or believe… no way. No tent meetings, no “sawdust trail’ as my friend predicted a long time ago. Willing to share my thoughts on things. Believing that having faith and hope and an open mind is a great way to live. Believing that that is a better way to live than just being totally materialistic.

So, it’s your life. What works for you? Embittered from having a bad experience with religion? Consider some alternatives, I say. Don’t give up on contemplating the great mystery of life. Become an exvangelical if you feel you must. Explore Omnism, the good parts of all religions. Most of philosophy says that we must find some meaning in life. Not necessarily answers, but we must give our life meaning if we are going to survive this mysterious chaos called existence. For me, life is all about love. It took me a lifetime to come to this insight, but thank God (or the whatever) I now know what I know ((which isn’t much, really.) I know that I don’t know much of anything. Live love. Life is better that way, as I see it.

Wally

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World Has Changed; People So Rude and Loud and Scary [ Post #102 ]

Had a few incidents recently that have shown me how different we are now as a society that does not know how to behave in public. Very sad to see how things have changed recently. And with the next political election coming up, well, I’m concerned for this country and society. It seems now that the normal behavior is, “let it all out, no restrictions regarding public behavior.”

So I was in line at an office supply store waiting to pay for my purchase. All of the sudden the person being handled by the cashier turned around and starting speaking to all in line and elsewhere in the store. He started this rampage about what a good guy Mike Lindell, the “My Pillow” guy is. He went on and on. We were his captive audience. I was surprised someone didn’t tell him to just shut up and finish his transaction. But no, on and on he went. I had never experienced something like that in public before.

Then, recently I was in another store. I happened to be in the back of the store and all of the sudden I heard someone somewhere in the front of the store start screaming. He was screaming the most foul, awful things at someone. It was extremely loud and extremely awful, gross, and scary. It went on and on and I finally thought, this could be one of “those” incidents where something awful happens. I immediately thought, wow, if I hear a gunshot I had better have a plan. I immediately looked around and saw the the back of the store had an exit into the warehouse area and thought I’m heading there if there is a gunshot. I was prepared as it seemed very likely this was going to be a bad scene very rapidly.

Well, it turned out there was no gunshot and somehow the exchange ended. Whew! Scary. And, I say, once again, I’ve never been in a situation like this before. I can now imagine how people feel who are trapped in situations like this, where a mass shooting occurs.

So, what’s going on these days? It seems like anything goes. Mass shootings in the news almost daily. People screaming their political views to their public audiences. And even friends and family I have recently discovered can surprise me with their “nastiness.” I’m really surprised by what some have told me. I’ve been told some nasty things and I’ve been told to go buy some guns and lots of ammunition to prepare for the civil war “that is a coming.” Wow. This is not the world of years gone by. This is not the world I grew up in. There have always been nasty people but now I see them everywhere. I never had a fear of crowds before, but now I am aware of strange acting people everywhere. My awareness level is up these days.

It seems that many types of crimes are increasing at a rapid pace. Identity theft is everywhere. When I got my pilot licenses, our pilot numbers were our social security number. Not today. They changed that and assigned new numbers.

So, growing up, we had drills in school called “duck and cover,” where we got under our desks, preparing for earthquakes or atomic bombs. And air raid practice with air raid sirens blarring every month. But we did not have shooting drills, preparing what to do if a shooter got into a school.

Well, you get my point. This is a different world. Small town or big city. It’s different now. And now we are facing another election year. No more civility in the election process. Just lots of awful nastiness. Not looking forward to all of this.

Wally


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100 Blog Posts… And The Point Is…? [ Post #101 ]

So, I have reached a milestone of sorts. Written one hundred blog posts, one hundred essays about my life, thoughts, and other various things. One hundred? I could never imagine writing that much in the beginning. Just figured I had a few things to write about, a few things to explore and experiment with, expressing myself on the internet. Well, five years later, here we are. Is there more to “explore?” More to reveal? More to investigate?

So, when I decided to take the leap and do my public writing, I really didn’t know where I was going with all of this. A little scary. A little overwhelming. Well, such is life, isn’t it? A new venture, a new direction to explore. Maybe I’ll enjoy it, maybe I’ll fail, and make a fool of myself, I thought. Could have gone either way, but I’m pretty satisfied that I took the plunge. Isn’t that what life is all about, stepping out and taking risks?

I originally thought about writing a book, an autobiography. The trouble was, I just was overwhelmed by the prospect and couldn’t get very far. I realized I could more easily just write some short essays about this or that. Yeah, I could handle that. So, investigating how to set up a website and get into the blogging game, I just went forward with the idea. A spiritual counselor and practitioner I was seeing at the time encouraged me when I told him of my possible project of starting a blog.

So, five years and 100 essays later. I think there’s more to write about. I’ve learned a lot from what I’ve done thus far. I see it as good therapy for me. A lot cheaper that doing psychotherapy. And it’s fun. I’m learning a lot about myself. I’ve brought to the surface many things and life experiences that were in the deep recesses of my life and mind.

I’ve seen how all my adventures have formed me to be who I am now. My writing has brought about some changes in my life. For example, my post on the sabbath really changed how I spend my Sundays. I’m very strict on how I spend my “day of rest” now. Not as strict as some Jews are in their observing the sabbath, but close. I’ve learned how strongly I am now in being “anti war,” after reflecting on my days in the 1960’s and 70’s and facing the Vietnam War years. I’ve articulated how strongly I feel about my spiritual journey regarding my being a follower of Jesus and appreciating many other religions and their teachings. So many things have become clearer to me as I reflect on my thoughts, actions, and intentions now at this point on my journey. My essay on how I see life as ninety percent crap and ten percent good may seem very negative, but I don’t see it that way. That perspective helps me live a better life by living in the ten percent good and recognizing and staying disentangled from the ninety percent negative and bad. I wish I had known this and practiced this way of living earlier (but I didn’t).

So, onward and upward, as they say. There’s so much more to investigate. So much more to learn. I’m enjoying my continuing education through my college and university courses I’m participating in on DVD and streaming. I don’t have time to be bored. Bored with life? Are you Kidding me? No way! And the more I learn, the more I think, and the more I think and examine my life and life in general, the more I write and express my thoughts and experiences.

So, one hundred blog posts. And the point is? The point is, I haven’t even scratched the surface, as they say. It is therapy, it is releasing my pent-up thoughts and feelings. I’ve got more to write, so I will.

Wally

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Your Story [ Post #100 ]

So, what’s your story? What is your life story? Don’t we all have one? A story that is unique for us. A story that nobody else on this earth has. A story that we have created, or a story that we think happened to us with which we had some or little control over. I am fascinated with people’s stories.

I am fascinated by how some people have very unremarkable beginnings and turn out to be amazing individuals who create unbelievable lives, invent incredible things and advance our civilization to new heights. Then there are those who just seem to gravitate to awful lives and do much evil with their time on this earth.

So, our story. What is our story? I think we all know of people who have a horrible or miserable story. A story they are sometimes absorbed in totally and cannot break out of their negativity. Some end up just living totally in their misery and often shorten their lives through their addictions or their decision to end it all through suicide. Sad, I say, but understandable in a sense. We need to have good perspective and good activity and relationships to live positively and productively and successfully. And, I would add, a faith of some sort. If we don’t have those things, well, I say, we are living a fragile and dangerous life. I have seen several friends live like that and often have a very unhappy ending to it all.

I feel my story has changed in the past couple of years or so. I feel I had a rough early life with my family and all that’s involved in growing up. I have written about some it in previous blogs posts. So, yes, I did have some rough times early in my family life. But now I feel different about it all. Yes, I was unhappy with several things early on. But I made it through those times and made my decisions to go in new directions. And now I see that I needed to go through all I went through to get where I am today. In other words, it all worked out in the end. I see all the pieces of the puzzle now fitting together, as it were. And that’s a good, liberating feeling.

So, our story. We have a lot to do with how we see our story. We can be imprisoned and stuck with our story for all our life. Or, if we work at it, we can break out of our self-imposed story and see everything in a new way. And I would say that’s what we need to do. Step outside our “story.” If a process is needed, such as therapy or deep spiritual work, I say go for it. We have a right to have a good life, to be in touch with the invisible, good forces, the Divine aspects of life. I believe we all have the possibility of getting in touch with the Good. But if we don’t do that, well, life can be bad, really bad and sad.

Like I said, everything, everything brought me to where I am today. I have found the love of my life (which for most of my life I did not think was possible). I have accomplished my life dreams of obtaining my pilot licenses and flight instructor certificates. I have literally traveled around the world. I have had great times with great friends. And the crap, well, just part of the whole process, the lessons to be learned.

All of this was recently brought to mind when I met up with two good friends from my college years of a half century ago. They had stories about me to tell and informed my husband about those crazy years living in the dorm at school. I didn’t quite remember everything but knew that was my story at that time.

Meeting up with old college buddies, dorm roommate and dormmate after a half century. Stories to tell!

So, my advice is to look at your story. See it as clearly as you can. And be open to seeing it differently, if necessary. Break out of your repetitious story to created a new, better context if necessary. This is your one life. Enjoy it! Touch your Divinity, your connection to the universe, all of life, existence, love.

Wally

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There Is No Path [Post # 99]

So, the theme of my blog is : “On the Path… It’s a Wonderful Life.” And here I’m saying that there is no path. Perhaps I should clarify that statement to say that there is no ONE path! We are led to believe that there is one path, the right path. Take that one path and our life will be great, wonderful, in fact; we are taught that early in life. For many, that path is a religious path. Just join and commit to the correct religion and you’re set for a good life and a good “after life” with God, in heaven.

Well, I don’t think so. Not quite that simple. I haven’t found anybody that is that committed to every aspect of whatever path they are taking through life if that path is a religious path, especially a rigid, very strict path of whatever religion or leader, with the exception of cults, perhaps. For most of us, we may basically accept a path laid out before us by others or a religion or philosophy. I think that there are many, who, like me, accept some of what others proclaim is “the way” to live a good life. But they do not accept everything. They take some truths from here and some from there. They, in the end, formulate their “own path.” And that is how I believe it should be.

I’ve known “good Catholics,” “good Mormons,” “good Baptists,” good jews,” etc. but they do not go along with everything their particular religion insists on their adherents agreeing to. In my own journey I had to change my thinking many times, and it still changes all the time. I began with joining an evangelical Christian denomination in my teens. That worked for a while but eventually caused me problems as life moved along. After theological seminary graduate school, I eventually considered myself an atheist due to my inability to accept beliefs I was told were the truth, the only “way.” But later on, I returned to some more “open” spiritual teachings and found my way back to a path that was “my path”, my way to experience the ineffable.

So, it seems we all have to find our own path, right? Yes, you may align with a particular religion or spiritual path, or you may not. I think it helps to basically align with something. To be a completely materialistic person, narcissistic or living off of artificial stimulants, whether possessions or sex or drugs or whatever just does not make a good life as I see it.

So, “find your own path” is my mantra. Center yourself somehow in something good. Don’t get “sucked in” to culture, society, the media, trends, miserable friends and other bad influences. Think about who your “teachers” are in your life. You are probably somebody’s disciple, if you think about it. You learned how to live from somebody in your life. Who was that teacher for you?

Think it over. Who were your teachers? Who influenced you? Who and what teaching did you follow? How did you avoid going down the “wrong” path (and I am hoping you did avoid doing that)? Are you living the true religion? Your religion? Traveling your path?

I went through a lot on my journey. I faced making the wrong turns many times. Turns in the road that could have destroyed me. Yes, scary. Yes, lucky. Well, lucky I say, but really I feel I was led and guided all along the way from my very early years. By what? By what people call “God?” My “higher self?” To me it is all mystery, but I have no problems, really, with the term God, Spirit, Life Force.

So, to wrap this essay up, I will give you my secrets to traveling “my” path. There are many things I could say, but the points that come to mind right now are: Always move forward, forgive, retreat and rest and refresh, contemplate, love, give thanks. Those practices are found in several religions. And if I am a disciple of any sages, I would put Jesus and Buddha and perhaps a couple others at the top of that list. May your path work for you. My advice, again, is “do not blindly accept a path presented to you without serious study and thought and consultation with your “higher self, true self or divine intuition.”

Wally

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Surviving My “Death Date” [ Post # 98 ]

Okay, this one is a bit weird, I admit. But it happened. I thought I’d write about this recent experience while it is fresh in my memory. It all started when….

Several months ago, I was just messing around on the internet. I “googled” (just for fun) “when am I going to die?” I had done this in the past and I got all sorts of interesting answers. I answered the questions on the website such as age, medical situations I have, etc. and when I completed that I hit “enter.” When the response came back quickly, I about fainted, I think.

The answer the website gave me was, “Your probable year of demise … 2023.” What?!!! Holy #^$*^#@! I was NOT expecting that! I had never experienced a date that close being the answer to that question. Like I said, I had done this exercise a few time before and I always got a date many years in the future. I couldn’t believe this website would give such a close date to this morbid question. This really shocked me. Yet, I, in jest (well, sort of) thought, well perhaps I should ask God what’s up with this, so I said, “Okay, God, and what is the date for this event?” “June 16th was the response I heard loud and clear, with even a vision of that date before me!

The response to my inquiry of “when will I die.”

Oh, great, I thought. Now I have my death date to deal with in the coming months. This experience was so stunning and certain. What did I get myself into, I asked? Well, there was nothing to do at that point and the date was months away, so maybe I can just forget all about it, was my thinking. Yeah, right, I was just going to forget about it. I don’t think so.

Well, as the date given to me came closer and closer, I did a lot of thinking. What if this was true and I was given the privilege of knowing when my end is coming? What to do? When asked by a few friends that knew about this premonition what chance I thought there was of this being an accurate “preview” of the end, I responded with “I give it a 50/50 chance of being a real thing, a true premonition. And that was where I was with all of this. I know strange things like this can happen. I recall reading in one of Deepak Chopra’s books (I think that’s where I read it) that we could know the date of our demise if we really want to and ask God to tell us.

Yes, I did try some other websites to see what other dates came up in answer to my question.

So, what to do? I felt strange with this dilemma before me, so I did some deep thinking. I realized, well, it’s possible this is the end of it all. I have had a long life. I have had a very satisfying life, what I considered a very “complete” life. I thought back and realized that I had accomplished all of my dreams. I had accomplished getting all of my pilot licenses, I worked in the aviation field, and I got to travel the world (literally; my first free airline trip I took was around the world in 1974). I got a good education. I made several good friendships and eventually found the love of my life (been together for thirty-four years and married for eight). If I were to die right now, I would be very satisfyied with my life and willing to let it go (got to do that someday). So, why not now? A weird place to be and a weird feeling to have about all of this morbid stuff.

So, as that day approached, I accepted the possibility that this was “it.” I thought, well I don’t have to make amends, I don’t have to forgive anyone, I don’t have to have drama about all of this. I will just accept this as it is, if this is the end. Thankfully I was not sick and suffering in pain or anything like that. I was feeling great and really happy with my life. In a good state of mind. A good way to go, as I saw it.

So, the day came. I lived through the day. I did wonder if I might just suddenly collapse and that would be it. I was very attentive the whole day. Everything was going well. I even joked with friends that maybe this would be the day I would take up a new sport, of skydiving.

I made it through the day just fine. When I went to bed I was hoping I would wake up the next morning (alive, on this earth) and I did! I was a happy man. So, what was this all about?

Spending some time reflecting on this weird experience, here’s what I have come up with. This experience seemed to me to be like a “dress rehearsal” for the real thing, the end of my life. I actually faced the unpleasant possibility that this was the time for it all to end. I was surprised that I actually felt okay with it all. Like I said, I wanted to live a lot more, but, you know, we usually don’t have control over that part of life. I realized that I had a good life. I had nothing to agonize about regarding my relationships. My relationships were good and honest and loving. Even with people I really didn’t like. I held no hatred, no grudges or resentments against them. I wished them well to go on with their lives, on their paths (which I may not understand), and live good lives as much as possible. I feel that is the Christ / Buddha / Vishnu, whatever, in me. Let them (those people I do not particularly like) be. Let me be.

I feel now that there is more to live. Perhaps some new stuff to do. To explore. To stay on the good path and see where we go. And, yes, that final last day will come at some point, but now I have a little more understanding and preparedness for it, I feel. Perhaps that was my lesson through all of this. Still praying for and hoping for a lot more life to experience but feeling good about all I have lived through. So, let’s “hang in there” and see what’s next, where we’re going to go on this journey called “life.”

Wally

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Don’t Know Nutin ! [ Post # 97 ]

Living a long life, getting a good education; living a good, in fact great life, and then continuing my education (life-long learning), you’d think I would know a lot, wouldn’t you? Well, I’m here to tell you I’m at the point that I don’t think I know much at all. Don’t hardly know nutin I’d say (well, you certainly don’t know good English I hear you saying!)

The more I study, the more education I get, the more I realize we are all somehow surviving this thing called life however we can without really knowing much about it at all! Oh, yeah you say, we’re getting smarter and smarter. Well, maybe we’re getting more technologically advanced, but I see that as very different than getting smarter, more intelligent, obtaining wisdom, evolving our humanity, learning from history, taking the best from our religions and philosophies, etc.

Like I said, I’ve studied a lot. Listened to the “experts,” the professionals, professors, sages, teachers, gurus, etc., and I’m not impressed. Not impressed that THEY have the truth. Oh, yes, I’m impressed with their knowledge, no question about that. Impressed that they have studied so much in their field. But having a lot of knowledge, having a brilliant brain and intellect does not relate to having the truth about life and purpose and ethics and morality.

I say you have to think for yourself. Yes, take in all the knowledge and wisdom and learn all you can. Connect to your “higher self,” the invisible realm of the “whatever” (Spirit, God, eternal wisdom and truth). Be open. Be observant. Be detached, be removed from the entanglements of the insane parts of life. And, I’d say, realize no one, no group has total truth, no one has the answer, really.

So, once again, I’m writing an essay, not writing a book, so I’m just getting my point across. I don’t need to convince anyone of anything. Perhaps you think you know a lot. Perhaps you are a “know-it-all.” Or at least have strong and absolutely correct opinions on everything. Know some people like that? I sure do.

So, here’s how I see it. This life is a grand experiment. This country is a grand experiment. Religions are grand experiments, as are philosophies. History is not a fixed fact, nor is science. Historical perspectives and conclusions change over time. Science changes over time (google “Science Wars’). Don’t believe this? Then do a lot of studying. Go deep. See what you missed in your “basic education,” or your “church religion.” I say run away from those who speak absolute certainty about things. Those who claim they have found the “truth.”

I don’t know notin” much! And that no longer scares me or makes me uncomfortable. I do not fear the “mystery.” That’s life.

Yes, I admire those professors and teachers that have gotten all the education they have and the degrees they have earned. I am astounded how they pursued their education as far as they did. That’s great. And I am pleased when they actually open up and admit that they don’t know everything. They just know a lot of stuff they studied and are passing it on to others. But what do we really know? Ah, that’s the way I look at it. Life is an experiment, as I see it. I’m watching. I’m learning (I hope!). I have to just enjoy the journey.

And, from Wikipedia:

Wally