Category: Life Stories

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Updates: Death Cleaning and Lifetime Learning

Today’s blog will be an update and comments on two projects which I wrote about recently, “Swedish Death Cleaning,” and “Lifetime Leaning.” I started both projects a while back and they are my current obsessions or activities that I’m really deeply involved in. This is not a bad thing. In fact, I’m in one sense really enjoying these activities, or, well, at least glad I’m finally doing them and have the self-discipline to push through and see some results. In another sense, they are driving me crazy and to the edge of my sanity.

First off, let me say my death cleaning project is well, horrendous. Those of you who have had to clean up the mess of someone after they have died know what I’m referring to. Going through someone’s life accumulation of junk and other clutter and important papers is, well, not pleasant and pushes almost every button emotionally and psychologically. I can’t work at that project more than an hour or so without nearly losing my mind. So much stuff that has just piled up in a drawer or a corner of a room or wherever. So much stuff. So many memories (not all good ones, by the way).

During my cleaning project I find interesting things I didn’t know I had (hidden among all my junk). My old membership card in the Screen Children’s Guild and my brother’s Screen Actors Guild membership card.

Anyway, after reading a book on Swedish Death Cleaning a while back, I realized it was time to get my stuff in order and clear out a lot of junk. It’s going to take hundreds of hours more to get where I want to get, but I’m steadily working at it. Thank God my spouse is very supportive, or I know I’d never get through this without losing my mind. And it’s not easy to think of the end of life as I’m doing all of this, and that is what is on my mind as I proceed in doing this almost daily activity. We don’t like to ponder this subject much, do we? But we’ve got to, as I see it.

So, let me turn to another subject that I wrote about a while back, lifetime learning. I used to sell educational and motivational cassette tapes for about twenty years as a second job besides my airline job. I bought tapes from several companies and sold them in different stores as my own business. I guess I had an interest in education and motivation and it was an enjoyable job being a distributor of the products.

Some of my current, recent study in my lifetime learning project.

When I closed down that business a while back, I had quite a collection of the tapes leftover and I just stored them away in my garage for years. Well, as I stated in my blog many months ago, I came across those stored tapes and thought, what will I do with these? Just throw them away or perhaps listen to them? Many of the tapes I had not listened to, especially the more academic ones on philosophy and religion and psychology, etc. Well, I started to listen to them and decided I would like to transfer them to CDs and start a library of them for my own “continuing education,’ or lifetime learning as they call it now.

I did convert the best ones to CDs and started an in-depth study of the subjects I was interested in. As I was doing that tape to CD conversion I came across a CD and a DVD I had that I purchased from an educational company years ago. I got a catalog from that company one day urging me to come back and try out another course of theirs. I somehow resisted the urge to toss out that catalog and decided to give that company another chance to interest my curiosity in subjects of my interest. Well, I ordered a course of college / university lectures, and I was hooked. I have since purchased many, many additional courses in my fields of interest. Yep, they got me addicted to lifetime learning.

So, with the pandemic keeping us pretty much isolated and at home for many months, I have occupied much of my time with my two current projects. My death cleaning and my continuing education. Really had the time to devote to the projects and they did consume my time and energy. I’m clearing out my life substantially of unnecessary stuff and I’m putting into my life some good, intellectually and academically stimulating education and learning. It is a good feeling. I guess you could see it as, “out with the old and in with the new.”

So, is my lifetime learning/continuing education a challenge for me also? Ah, yes. I do not claim to be an intellectual or an academician. In fact, far from that. I’m just an average person, intellectually, as I see it. I have favorite subjects which I really enjoy and do understand to some extent. Then there are subjects I just do not seem to comprehend much. But that’s okay, really. The science courses I really don’t understand much at all. Way beyond my grasp. Oh, well, I do them anyway and perhaps later will make some sense of them. But the subjects I really have an interest in I enjoy immensely.

I am enjoying the history, philosophy, religion, psychology cultural courses. I’ve done a lot of study recently on evil and finding that subject is very relevant to today’s world, especially the political world. Studying Hitler’s Empire, I find very revealing on how people fall into a cult-like authoritarian political mind set. Evil has always been around as history has shown. A lot to be learned by studying it.

So, if we pick our addictions, I’m pretty satisfied with mine. A cleaned up, simplified, organized life, and an open mind to learning more about our world. I don’t need a recovery or twelve-step program for my current addictions. I’m glad about that.

Wally

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Faith / A Test of Faith [ Post #78 ]

Faith, now, there’s a word to ponder. What is faith? It can mean many different things to different people. I don’t think it is necessarily a religious term. Can an atheist have faith? Of course. It is not just a religious term. As I see it, we all have faith in our daily lives and activities.

If you board an airplane, you have faith in the laws of aerodynamics, that that heavier-than-air contraption is going to fly and get you safely to wherever you’re going. We have to have faith to get up and get through every day of our lives, don’t we?

Now, concerning another aspect of this subject of faith, there are times where we must have hope, a faith that things will turn out good for us, that things may go our way. Perhaps we should call this “hope combined with faith.” It is often called a “test of faith.” Don’t we all have those times in life when our faith is tested? For some people (several I know personally), very dramatic and serious tests of faith occur in their lives. I’m thinking of those who have had very serious injuries or illnesses in their lives, such as a diagnosis of terminal cancer, etc. The experience and the survival and recovery of such events is beyond words. If we are spared that experience, we are lucky and blessed.

In the past year and a half, I had a test of faith of sorts. Nothing like the above example. Nothing life-threatening. More of a material, financial testing that played with my mind and drove me a bit crazy. All I had to go on was a faith that all would work out in my favor. Otherwise, my life was going to be a mess, a total change of everything for me.

To keep it simple, let me just say that, out-of-the-blue, I got hit with a $19,331.14 tax bill. Like, due immediately and it was going to be an annual bill. Payment required immediately or penalties and other consequences were in store for me. Umm, time to call my lawyer! Pronto!

So, not serious like a terminal illness diagnosis, but a serious matter dropped into my lap. Fortunately, my lawyer assured me this would eventually be resolved in my favor, but we did have some problems. Problems brought on by this Wuhan Virus Pandemic. He said I may not be able to get through to talk with anyone for some time and it was going to take a long time to get this resolved. There were things I had to do, papers to be submitted, etc., etc. So, I of course did everything I could do. And I tried to contact the tax people, but of course with the virus situation going on, they were not answering their phones. I went through hell trying to get ahold of someone, and eventually I did. I was given phone numbers of tax investigators that could work with me. Contact was established but the investigator said no information was available on my situation, not a thing. No verification anything was being done in their computer system, just wait and call back later I was told. Yeah, okay.

Eight months. Eight months I kept trying to find out something. Nothing. I had to pay the bill, which meant messing up my finances and my retirement accounts. And I had nothing to go on except my lawyer telling me that it would eventually work out in my favor. Talk about a “test of faith!” Not a word for eight months. I did meet, finally, with the instigator and submitted all the paperwork again. Still no word on any progress. Then, one day, in the mail, a letter from the tax office. My heart about stopped. It was a thin envelope, definitely not a check enclosed, just a slip of paper, which I imagined said, “sorry, your claim denied, pay your tax bill.”

Well, I opened it and read it and about fainted. It said the tax assessor’s office had reversed their decision and I would receive a full refund of all I had paid. Issue resolved! I was, well, speechless. I had endured my “test of faith.” I had prayed and meditated every day for eight months and had no indication whatsoever that anything was going to be resolved. I had nothing to go on except hope that my lawyer was correct and knew what he was talking about. Life could resume. I would not be living in the streets in a tent or cardboard box. Life could resume as before.

Well, that’s how it looked that day. It ended up taking a while (a month and a half or so) before I had my money back in my hands. Then, it truly was over.

This was something I really could not talk about with anyone; it was so upsetting. My spouse knew what I was going through but that was it. It ate at me for eight months. I had nothing to go on but faith. I learned my lesson. Hang in there. Do my spiritual work. Don’t go dark. Don’t go negative. There’s nothing to go on, no encouragement, but hang in there!

So, that was my big test of faith. It about did me in. The blue skies have returned. We can move on now.

Wally

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I / We Choose [Post #76]

Okay, my view of life is that it’s hard. Yes, it’s hard. I would think most people would see what I’m saying and agree. Some may not. If you just view life as easy-peasey I say great… carry on, enjoy it all. But I think most of us know better. Most of us have struggled at times, been hurt and damaged at times. Been put down, treated badly, misunderstood, and on and on. We call those periods “dark times.” Visited by many of us at various times on this path. Hopefully those times were brief and temporary and if needed, we sought and got help and assistance from good friends and perhaps professionals. And we then carried on, with new knowledge learned from those lessons. I put myself in this category. Been put down, hurt, and learned my lessons and moved on to better living. Found a spiritual component in life and found and experienced love on the journey.

I think the greatest lesson learned is that for most of life, it unfolds and plays out before us because of what we choose. A hard lesson to learn. And a caveat is needed here. I am not one of those that preaches or teaches that all that happens is our choice. I know some so called spiritual and religious people say such things, but I adamantly do not. I see evil in the world. I know people can be cruel. I know horrible abuse happens that is not our fault. Disagree with me on this if you must, but that is my stand. There is a lot of karma out there in the world. Lots of consequences from people’s bad actions and choices.

But, except for the above situations, so much of our life is a result of our choice. I had to make some difficult choices at times and go against what people and society and culture told me to do. It was sometimes easy and sometimes very difficult. The point is that life turned out as it did because of the choices that were made. And, at this stage I can say it turned out to be a very good life. A very amazing life. The shadows were faced and conquered and transcended.

And, of course, we all know those people that made bad choices, some very bad choices and their lives ended up not being very good lives. Consequences, karma, whatever you want to call it. Choose bad, wrongly, and face what comes. A law of life, eventually. Yes, the Bible does at times teach that the bad people get a lot of good things and possessions, and the good people can get misery and experience bad things happening, but in the long run I think it eventually works out. Just my perspective.

So, choice. That’s the key to living a good life as I see it. I choose the good. I choose the true, the truth, the best. I choose love. At this point in life, I see love as “it”. The secret. The whole point of life. Everything else comes and goes. Yes, enjoy all the good of life. “Good, come to me,” I say. Yet, at the same time I know that the good is not “IT.” I cannot be fooled. I’ve been around too long. I’ve seen too much. I have paid attention. I’ve seen the deeper facts of life. I know too much, as I see it.

So, I say, do whatever works for you to live the best life. Practice right thinking. Do good things. Do philosophy, don’t just read it. Find a spiritual path if that’s in alignment with how you see things and want to live. Do a religion if that works, but don’t succumb to authoritarian leaders and institutions and doctrines and beliefs. Proceed with caution and deep thinking and study. There are many ways to live. Choose wisely.

I’ve chosen to accept and draw to me all the good of life. I’ve chosen love. Compassion, awareness, truth. Ain’t no turning back now, baby. Been there, done that… now I’m doing this. Amen.

Wally

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Where Are You on the Broadcasting Spectrum? [ Post #75 ]

A lesson in life that took me a long time to see and understand is that we are all broadcasting systems, just like the radio frequency spectrum in the ethers. In my childhood and youth, I was not aware of the energy out there in my environment, in my household, my neighborhood, my schoolyard, etc. Now, in my mature years I see it. I see how all my life I have been affected by the energies surrounding me in my personal, intimate environment. Now I see it. Well, as they say, “better late than never.” I just wish I had seen all of this earlier. Would have made life much easier, I’m sure.

A recent book covering this subject

Today, we have the phenomenon of Facebook and the rest of social media, and we can literally see that our friends and family and others are broadcasting their thoughts, feelings, opinions, loves and hatreds all the time on their postings, etc. We cannot escape it now.

Growing up, I was not aware of the energies and such that people around me were transmitting out to me all the time. Is it any wonder that many, if not most of us, grow up feeling less than good about ourselves? Not having the best self-concept of ourselves, not a great deal of, if any, self-love or self-acceptance? And some people are hurt or damaged for much of their lives. Spending the rest of their lives in recovery, so to speak.

But now we are adults, hopefully, and most of us are better adjusted to life and our social and familial environments. Yes, perhaps, but still, every day of our lives, we are “broadcasting.” We are broadcasting our “selves,” the selves that we think are our true selves. And what we broadcast daily can affect others around us. I know that I pick up people’s vibes pretty quickly and clearly when I’m out in the world socially. How about you?

So, just like the news media, we are broadcasting daily, 24/7 as they say. And just what are we broadcasting? Good news, bad news, dark, murky news? Absolute pessimism? Hope and optimism? Faith in life, the future, love? Think about that. I have. We are not perfect, of course, so there are always our “off days,” our down days, our times to retreat and recover our more healing energies. There are times I need to turn off the news. Turn off the annoying people in my life. It doesn’t matter if they are just acquaintances, friends, or even family. Enough of the crap. I need to live the good life, as this is the only life I have right now. Go elsewhere if you are just going to spew your emotional poison. I can deal with honest, even dark conversation, but it’s got to be real and have some boundaries if we are to accomplish some progress on this path, as I see it.

Another good book recently published

So, bringing this down to the personal level. How do I live my life? How should I live my life? What are the options in living my life and broadcasting my feelings and thoughts of things? We do have choices, you know. We choose how we will live our lives. We do not just default to whatever is there in our life. I’m not discounting real depression or grief or whatever. Of course that is all part of life. But I’m saying that most of us have a lot of choice in our daily living. Some people have made great changes in their lives in the emotional and psychological dimensions, myself included (ask anyone who has known me over a very long time).

So, today. Here we are. As I see it, we have to be very careful today of what influences we allow into our lives. The news media will bombard us with the negative aspects of life. Social media will expose to us our friends and family and others who have a lot of anger and hate to spew forth. And on and on it goes.

I have to be on guard all the time of what is entering my environment. I have to have some control over my personal life or others will step right in and promote their crap, their negativity. I am careful of how I respond to things around me, the talk I’m exposed to, the triggers people try to send my way. I now know that I am a broadcasting system and I am the person in charge of my broadcasts. I have been careless in the past but now I am very aware of how it all works. And, as I don’t have a lot of time left (not the decades and decades I used to have), I want to ensure that my life is the best possible, now that I have gotten myself this far. Love, happiness, joy, gratitude and bliss are what it is all about now. I hope many of you share a similar outlook on life at this point. It is the best life as I see it.

Wally

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Death of a Sibling / Forgiveness [ Post # 74 ]

September 23rd of this year, I had a unique experience. I lost a sibling. My brother died. I never had a sibling die before. I have lost my parents many years ago. But they were of a different generation than mine, of course. My brother’s death felt different, perhaps, because he was, in a sense, of my generation. Although eleven years older than I am, we grew up together. In the same household. Shared many common experiences. Oh, we were siblings, so of course we had our fun times together, and we also had our rough times and as most siblings do, we had differences and at times fought, sometimes very roughly. I can recall at least a couple of times I was sure he was going to drown me in our swimming pool. Ah, sibling rivalry. I know I’m not the only one to experience this. But, now he is dead and I look over our whole relationship of growing up in our family. My memories inspired me to write a memoir of my experiences with my brother which ended up being read at his celebration of life service, something I did not expect at all.

Love ya, brother!

So, losing a sibling. A unique experience. All the memories. I have one other sibling. So, of course in the back of my mind is the thought of who is next? Well, as they say, in so many years, we are all gone. The way life goes. So, thinking of my brother, how do I feel now as I think of him? There was the good, the fun, and the bad. All part of life in the family. Since my sister got married when I was young, most of my memories of family life are of me, my brother and our parents.

After my sister got married and left home, my brother and I were pretty close. We had to deal with our parents, so I guess you could say we bonded being the only two kids left at home. We got along most of the time. But, as time went on, our differences would surface. Oh, we did have our differences. Sometimes we would fight, physically. Other times we would fight verbally. We had great differences in perspectives on life and people. We had different interests, of course. He was into horticulture, big time. He loved plants. He was an expert in that field. He knew everything about plants and their technical names. Of any plants, he just knew everything as I saw it. He even went to college and studied in the field. He really did a good job of landscaping our yard. An obsession you could say. Doing his thing, as I saw it. I, on the other hand was becoming obsessed with aviation and a desire to become a pilot. We made a bet, in writing, that I would be an airline pilot by a certain age. And you know what… I still have that paper that we made the bet on. If fact, when I reached the age stated, I paid off my brother the ten dollars or whatever it was!

Me, my parents and my dear brother in the mountains a long time ago.

He went off to the army when I was in junior high school. He got drafted. I cried the next day a lot when I realized he was gone and I would have to put up with our parents alone. My companion was gone. I remember crying all the way on my walk to school. A hard time for me.

But, life goes on. He eventually completed his army commitment, came home and got married. I went on to college and at my completion of that commitment, my brother, sister and .my father came to Seattle to participate in my graduation ceremony. I was amazed that they came to the event. And after that, my brother stayed a few more days and the two of us took a road trip to Canada. It was a good time of bonding again after a long time. He especially loved visiting Butchart Gardens in British Columbia, Canada.

He also accompanied me on part of my road trip to Chicago a few months later when I started my studies at a theological seminary after college. He didn’t have enough days off work to make the whole trip, so he went as far as Denver and then flew home. I did enjoy our couple of days together on that trip, bonding again.

He started a family and had a large one. He had always talked of having a lot of kids, so he got his wish. As I see it, he had, overall, a good life. He loved his plants. He wanted a big family. He got both and seemed to enjoy it all. I see that, overall, as a good life. But, of course, there were the dark sides of his life, also, as with most of us, as I see it.

I already mentioned that we had our fights. We had very different feelings and opinions on several subjects. He was a very stubborn person. He had anger issues. He had a temper. He was a physically strong person and could be very rough with me at times. He had his prejudices, strong prejudices, like some of the rest of my family. I strongly disagreed with him on many things. He would put me down at times, very strongly. Yes, he could be nasty and rough. So, what do I think of all this now. He has passed on. How do I handle this?

Well, as with all of life, I have found the only way to live a good life is to have a lot of forgiveness as part of my way of living. To have no regrets, unresolved anger, hatred, etc. Just my way of living which I think is the best way to go. Studying the scriptures of many religions, studying Jesus and his teachings, forgiveness is of primary importance, as I see it. So, I apply this practice to my relationship with my late brother. I hold nothing against him. I recognize he was who he was. He lived his life his way. He had his anger issues and perhaps hatreds and prejudices. Now, if there is a continuing existence beyond this life, which I do believe in from experience rather than logic, he’s somewhere probably looking at all of this, also. I pray that he is settled and comfortable wherever and doing whatever he has to do to enjoy that dimension, perhaps with loved ones. I don’t know much of what’s beyond the veil. I just trust that all is well. Like I said, I feel he lived a good life. The life he wanted, really. Isn’t that the whole point of this existence?

Wally

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So… This Guy Called Jesus… [Post #73]

Yeah, this guy called “Jesus.” Since it’s the Christmas season, I thought I’d ruminate a bit about the “reason for the season.” So, actually his name probably was, as the scholars tell us, Yeshua ben Yosef. And he was probably born around 3 BC. And he is now known differently by many, many groups and I think, by all of us differently, in one way or another. And yes, I could write a book on this subject, but like my other blog posts, I must be brief in this essay and just make a few points that I find interesting on this topic.

Okay, I came to Jesus, so to speak, as a teenager. I grew up in a not particularly religious family. Like many families in the 1950’s, we went to church, as families were expected to give their children a “religious upbringing,” as I see it. But a religious family… really, I think not. When I was a teenager I “came to Jesus” you could say, when I watched Billy Graham on TV (our old Hoffman black and white set) in my bedroom one day. I figured I needed something religious or spiritual or something in my life as I was not happy at times in my childhood. Maybe adding God would improve my life, I thought. Anyway, that was my start on the religious, spiritual path that I’ve been on since.

Over the years and decades since then, I’ve had many experiences and many different perspectives of the “Christian” faith. I went to seminary after college and studied for the ministry. I studied theology and church history, etc. and a while after seminary I decided to give it all up and become an atheist. Just too many problems “believing.” But, of course I was dissatisfied with atheism, eventually, and returned to a search for a real faith I could embrace and live with.

So, this guy “Jesus.” Who was he? What was he? How did he end up being the head of a new religion? Well, that took a few hundred years to develop and it’s a fascinating story; one I’m still studying in depth now. I may have been a sort of a “Jesus freak” in my college days (the 1960’s… Vietnam War, etc.), and perhaps I am now, but in a very different way. Following Jesus is very important in my life but I do not care for the term “Christian” these days. It implies too much and the political world has corrupted the term, as I see it.

So, there is this spectrum of how we see Jesus, in my view. Many of my friends are evangelical type of Christians. They see the Christian faith as the only correct religion. Coming to Jesus and accepting him as your “personal savior” is the only way to know God. The only way to be “saved.” To go to heaven and avoid hell after this life is over. That’s the religion they accept as true. (Of course, “accept Jesus as your personal savior” is nowhere in the Bible.)

At the other end of the spectrum are those who have no real thought or concern of who this Jesus was or is. They could care less. And that leaves the whole spectrum between these two extremes. Where do you fit in this spectrum? Throughout history there were groups who thought Christ was God, fully God. And those who thought he was human, only human. And those who thought he was a combination of these two positions. And people killed each other over these positions.

I have at times asked my Jewish friends how they think of Jesus. They usually say something like “I see him as a prophet, a good person, in touch with God as a prophet.” I like that. And there are churches that see Jesus as the great example for us (how we can be, how we can live), not the great exception (a Divine God person that we can never be).

So, Jesus did not come to establish a new religion. He was a Jew. He had insights that upset people. He was a disrupter. He preached that the Kingdom of God was at hand. So, how do we handle this new teaching he seemed to bring to the ancient world? I guess the answer to that question is up to each of us. My perception of this whole dilemma has evolved over the years. Do you believe in animal sacrifice such as the Jews believed in and the pagans and later the Christians (Christ’s blood covers our sins)? Do you believe Jesus was God (totally God, one with the father)? Or Jesus was human, became Divine at his baptism and Divinity left him when he was on the cross, “father, why have you forsaken me?) Or Christ was at the creation story in Genesis (in the Gospel of John)? Or, this, or that. There are many, many beliefs. It is a fascinating subject to some of us theologians.

So, Christmas season is upon us. If Jesus is your Savior, if his blood washes away your sin, fine. If he is a prophet, a holy man, fine. If he is a very enlightened man, perhaps even someone you cannot really understand or put in a certain box, fine. However you see the Jesus story, enjoy the season, I say. Enjoy life. Enjoy God. Enjoy the miracle of it all while we are here. Thank you God, thank you Jesus, thank you all enlightened masters on the other side of the veil. Amen. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

Wally

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I Hate It! [ I Don’t Like It ] [ Post # 72 ]

Hate is a word I do not use much. I do not use it in referring to people. Oh, there are people I strongly dislike, people that I may see as full of evil and psychological sickness. But I refuse to use the word “hate.” Just my thing. My way of seeing things. But I will use that word to describe the state of things right now, the state of the world right now. I hate the way things are, I do not like it; I am pissed. I am living in a world I never imagined experiencing before.

In the past few years the hate has come out of the closet, so to speak, in our society, our politics, our daily living. It was not like this before. Yes, we have always had different views of life and politics, religion, etc. We’ve had Republican and Democratic presidents, conservatives and liberals and moderates and centrists in our political scene. We’ve had tough times and better times. But we have never had it like it is now. People are so worked up, so angry, so extreme. Thirty percent of our American society seem to want a dictatorship, regardless of what the popular vote may be. About the same percent, it seems, actually want a civil war in our streets. They are all excited about such a prospect. I hear it every day. What’s going on?

And, on top of all this, there’s this damn virus. I’m beginning to believe that it is not going to go away in my lifetime. We can’t even agree or work together in eliminating this thing from our world. All we do is fight each other and throw out these conspiracy theories, etc. And as for going about travel like we used to… it’s not happening anytime soon. No freedom to travel freely as in the past and fights breaking out onboard airliners among these factions of people. Yes, I hate this new world.

I’ve even heard the “super spiritual” people say oh, this is all good. This is God’s plan. God has created a perfect world, this is the best of all possible worlds. Huh… a bit wacky of a perspective I say. Ain’t buying that crock. We are doing this. Doing this to ourselves.

So, yes, I’m mad, I hate this, I am pissed. I do not like what I see humanity doing with all of this. As I explained in a previous blog, I have to seek out and find good news out there so that I don’t lose my mind watching all of this on the news every day.

I have a friend that had a t-shirt made that had the statement on it of “Blessing Happens.” He wore it to counter the popular t-shirts that had the statement “Sh*t Happens,” which I have seen almost everywhere. Wow, you’d think people would like that positive statement he had printed on his shirt, but, well, you guessed it. He got a lot of very negative feedback when out in public and eventually got rid of the shirt. Well, that’s a sad commentary on things, isn’t it?

Hmmmm….

So, I hate this. Yes, the world is very different than a few years ago. So much has changed. I’ve seen the nastiness in friends and family. I have been called vile names like never before. And as for the evangelical Christians… oh, don’t get me started!

Well, I’m just trying to survive this trying time. I have a stronger faith than I have ever had before (thank God). I am seeking and researching the good news that is out there in this world. I am limiting and watching my consumption of the daily news, knowing how it affects us. Just never thought it would be like this. How about you? Hang in there.

Wally

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The Stuff; And the Swedish Art of Death Cleaning [ Post #69 ]

Have you ever seen the documentaries about “hoarders?” OMG, isn’t that amazing, what some people do, what they live with? And, yes, I have known and do know some hoarders. People that can’t easily move about their house or apartment and have paths they have to make to get to another room, often with stuff piled up to the ceiling. It is real. It is unbelievable, at least to me and non-hoarders. An illness? Well, yes!

So, in all honesty, I must admit, I am no “neat freak” either. Yes, I’m somewhere in between. ( Please don’t ask my husband, he’d place me more on the hoarder side of the spectrum, but I won’t get into that here). Speaking of “neat freaks,” I’ve seen documentaries on them also, and that can be a bit abnormal sometimes, when people are extreme in that practice.

So, a couple of years ago I read about this book on the practice of “Swedish death cleaning” and it got my interest and so I bought the book. It was very popular, and I was getting older and I realized I needed to simplify my life so when I go to my “reward” of the next existence (okay, death, to be crude), I would not leave my survivors with a horrible mess to go through and clean up. Not the stuff we like to think about, usually, but, well, it’s going to happen some day, like it or not. I’m not much for denial. Denial has not worked well in my life as a habit to promote and live by.

I know many of you have had your time of cleaning up the clutter and mess of dealing with the passing of parents and others. Not pleasant, is it? A whole lifetime of “stuff.” It has to be taken care of, let go of, released. So, I figured I had better at least start cleaning up my lifetime accumulation of crap, so maybe this book would get me started in that direction.

For a normal person, it does feel great to clean things up and live a more simple, purposeful life. I admire people I know who live like that. I hope to get there some day, but I see a lot of work ahead of me. As the book says, it is a slow process with many pitfalls ahead once one gets started in seriously doing “death cleaning.” Oh, just that term bothers me, but being the stoic I am I realize it is the truth. We’ve taken a lifetime making our mess and if we have any integrity and honesty and compassion for those who are going to be left with our “clean up” project one day, we’d better get started and just “dig in.”

The ideal clean up and organization will probably never be achieved but it needs to be initiated. Procrastination just makes it worse. The morbid aspect of it all just makes procrastination the easier path to take. Well, at least last wills and testaments and a trust have been achieved, so now it’s time to handle the messy part. Like I say, I admire those of you who have cleaned up your lives and are keeping it simple. I hope I’m heading in that direction. Well, I am… I just hope I can keep up the momentum. Got to keep a positive attitude, I guess, just like with everything else in life. It can’t get me down, that would be a disaster. “One step at a time….”

Wally

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I’m Not Normal, and That’s Okay [ Post #67 ]

(There has been a gap between my last blog and this one due to my brother’s passing. Losing someone close in the family disrupts life, so I have put aside completing this blog for a bit but now have resumed writing. Perhaps in a future blog I will reflect on my sibling and all that is involved in sibling relationships. We’ll see.)

Are you normal? I’m sure a lot of people think they are. And that’s good. But I know some people that don’t think they are “normal” and I would include myself in that group of people. I’ve always felt like an “outsider,” I guess. In earlier blogs I described what my childhood and growing up was like. Some struggles and rough and dark times. That’s probably very normal in the whole scheme of things. I have had some “dark times” beyond the usual childhood experiences, times I will not discuss at this time. But beyond all of that, I’ve never felt that I “fit in.”

I was advised there are certain ways to live and certain things to do to be a normal, all-American young man. Of course I tried to adhere to the advice given. I accepted what my elders told me at that young age. Some things worked out, some did not. Some made sense, of course, and some did not, in my mind. I feel that my father had great dreams of me being a great athlete. I did get the message and I really did try to fulfill his wishes. I played Little League baseball for a short while but I was not that great. I was never that good at other sports, either. But I tried. I did like activities like archery and I really got into golf in my youth. My parents belonged to a local country club and I did a lot of golfing for a while. I enjoyed it. But then, one day a relative told me that it was very important to be a good golfer in life, especially in the life of a young man, That was imperative if one was going to be a successful person in life. At that point, I began to lose my interest in golf as it was explained to me that it was a status thing, something any business person must do and be skillful at. I guess, for me, that was a turnoff. Killed my interest.

In a lot of other things, I never really “fit in.” I see myself now as being a “sampler” of life. I “sampled” this and that. I dabbled in this and that. I, of course, had the All-American dream of being a family man with a perfect family , with all the trappings. In my twenties I realized that was not to be, that was not me. Great for others, but not my “thing.” So, then I had to decide what was I going to be? After much thinking and confusion and tasting of this and that in life, I realized I could still have an amazing life, a fulfilling life, a life of relationships and love and complete happiness. There was nothing, really, to prevent that from being my life experience. So, onward I went and did find a good life. Sure, I may have never “fit in” to the program that was laid out for me, but I survived and actually thrived.

I was a pilot and none of my friends were pilots or had the deep interest in aviation that I had. But that did not stop me from pursuing my dreams in that field. Even when I was very active in that field, I never felt very close to those pilots I did become friends with. I did not share the whole “macho” culture they all seemed to relish.

I was involved in the church a lot, but, also there I also feel I did not really “fit in.” I went to seminary, I studied a lot of church history and theology but could not really feel a part of the whole church culture. I feel that I was probably too much of an independent thinker to just go along with the crowd in religious thinking. I found a lot of messy church situations to be the norm rather than the exception. So, even though I became an occasional preacher of sorts, again, I never felt that I really fit in.

So, now I’m retired, in that later stage of life where some of us do a lot of “life review” contemplation. I see that perhaps I was not “normal.” I did not do the things my society and culture “programmed” me for. I did not fit the dreams my parents may have had for me, well, especially my father. Too bad. I lived my life as it unfolded and I feel I did a good job of living the life that I wanted. The life that I feel was laid out as mine to live.

Some of us do great things in life. Some of us become very successful and famous. Others live a more quiet life, unknown to the rest of the world. What really matters? How do we feel when we come to that last breath that we take on this earthly plane? I think the best way to conclude life is to be happy. Feel satisfied. Feel fulfilled. Having loved totally. To be one with all of life, and if you have any faith, belief, spiritual perception, to be totally with God.

Wally

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Tough Decisions We Sometimes Must Make [ Post # 66 ]

Thinking about my life, I’ve come to look at three sort-of major decisions I was forced to make in order for my life to have some integrity and meaning and direction so I could go on and live the “good life,” as I see it. I will take three major decisions I had to face in chronological order. I have touched briefly on these three decisions in previous blogs but will expand my thoughts on them here, get them out of my mind and down on paper, as it were.

I’ve written about my decision to leave my home environment at an early age (high school graduation). I had experienced an unpleasant home environment for some time and realized it was just too toxic to hang around any longer. For my survival I needed to leave and get out on my own, not knowing for sure what that meant, really. I only knew I was not going to go down the path that was laid out for me by my father, especially. His dream for me was, just get a boring job, work all your life, then die. Really inspiring! Not for me.

I left home, lived a couple of other places and then decided to go to college, against my father’s wishes (“a waste of time and money”). Opened a whole new life for me. I was free to determine my own life. I eventually started my career in the airline industry and enjoyed my love of aviation. I became a commercial pilot and flight instructor besides having my ground job.

There have always been antiwar movements. Very controversial.

While in college, another major decision had to be made. I had been enjoying college life when my draft board contacted me to tell me that they saw that I had lost some college credits when I transferred from a junior college to my four-year college (Yes, in the days of the military draft and the Vietnam War). I was going to lose my college deferment and be drafted. I wrote my draft board explaining my situation, but they didn’t care. (By the way, my college roommate saw my letter and was very impressed with my writing. I think that was the first time anyone complimented my writing abilities. He was sure that letter would get my deferment back, but it didn’t.)

One person’s opinion, shared by many.

So, it looked like I was about to be drafted and most likely be sent to Vietnam. A situation I never considered facing before. The government was going to take me out of college, train me to kill people ( people that the government decided I should kill). Wait a minute, I am going to be a trained killer? Wait a minute. No, no, no. (And people are upset/crazy today that government says wear a mask, hmmm.) It was time for me to decide what I thought about of this “war stuff.” No way was I in favor of the war. But what was I to do? What choices did I have? Declare myself as a “conscientious objector?” Flee to Canada (be a “draft dodger?”) Go to jail? Decide I was a pacifist? Something had to be decided. The next step came, having to take the draft physical. So the day came. I did not have bone spurs, but I did have knowledge of how to get my heart racing to dangerous levels which might help me fail my physical. Also, on the paperwork for the physical there was a question asking if I was a homosexual. Hmmm, I guess that would work, except at that time in my life I did not consider myself in that category at all. So, I did the physical and I did flunk it because my heartbeat was too fast for their standards. Problem averted. Draft deferment achieved.

But, I had to confront what my feelings were about the government, the military, war, killing, and following orders going against everything I believed, because the government said so. I must admit, I still struggle with this whole philosophical matter of war, killing, the military, etc. The whole concept of a “just war.” Not an easy subject in this world which has always been a warring world full of evil people. Having been a history major in college, I know how this world is and always has been. Not a pretty picture in many ways.

I wish I could talk with those who have had to handle these questions, but they won’t talk, I have discovered. War veterans come home and are silent on these things. Many have been severely damaged in one way or another. I had a friend who was a bombardier in WWII, a Christian missionary. How did he feel dropping bombs and killing lots of people? And then being on the mission field bringing salvation to people?

This is a very complex subject and I have no answers. I have lots of questions. It’s a dangerous subject to approach, usually because people’s feeling are so strong. I remember a supervisor at work once told me when we approached the subject of Vietnam that if he ever discovered I was against the war, my job would be hell, he’d see to that (he was an ex-Marine who served in the war.

I remember a conversation I had with my brother-in-law when I was nine. He ended up being a very conservative, right-wing person politically, But he was under the threat of being drafted and was absolutely opposed to being in the military. He had just had one kid and was hoping to get my sister pregnant with a second child because that would give him a deferment from the draft. He was a bit panicked as he hated the thought of being in the military. He had done ROTC training in college and hated the military regimen. Would love to have conversations about all of this, and his strong political and patriotic views.

I have had friends and family that have served in wars. I get it. They did what they believed they had to do. I really do get that. I’m just saying, when I had to face what I had to face, I would not kill on command just because the government says I have to. Today, people are going crazy about being told to wear masks. I had to face being trained and commanded to kill. I think there is a bit difference in these dilemmas

There are different types of relationships in this world.

So, the third big decision I had to make in my life, besides leaving my family to go off on my own and allowing myself to be drafted to fight in a war was how was I to live out my life? The track to follow was to be a good, normal family man. Marry, have a good family and live the typical family life of the American dream. At some point, after graduate school and beginning my airline career, I realized I was not going to live out that dream. I only knew it was not for me. Not knowing how I was going to live out my life, I knew it was not as a typical family man. I just had to “go with life” and see how it would turn out. It was a long road to find out who I was and how I was to live, but it did all work out. To quote my simple personal religion one more time, “Love; and trust God.”

Wally