Posted on

Retirement Enlightenment / Freedom [Post #112]

Okay, I truly understand some people really, really love retirement and others do not want any part of the “retirement” stage of life. Yes, some people love working, doing what they love (the “I’ve never worked a day in my life” people). Got it. I really believe those people are serious and living their best life. Good for them. Enjoy, I say.

I, on the other hand… well… I feel like I was made for retirement. I, at least, was smart enough to realize I had to work, work hard, and for a long time and endure whatever I had to to make it to my “paradise” called retirement. And you know what, I endured a long work life and eventually the day came when I declared “I am retiring.” Hallelujah!

I wrote earlier that during college I used to take breaks and drive out to Magnolia Bluff in Seattle and just watch the Puget Sound area and ferries crossing the sound and wonder what my life was going to be about. Deep thoughts, contemplation about my future life. A good time to reflect on life.

Well, my life did turn out to be very good. A year of graduate school in theological seminary in Chicago, then a return home to California to some temporary jobs, then a beginning of my long airline career. An achievement of obtaining my commercial pilot license and flight instructor certificate. Travel around the world. Lots of good times. A little taste of the wild side of life, but very restrained as I had a strong desire to live a good, long life and not self- destruct. I saw too many people “lose it” and die early deaths. Not for me, I told myself.

So, a good work life. Great times ( with, of course, the times of crisis and problems, but overall good times). I was very pleased and happy over how it all turned out. I worked long and hard and hit the retirement stage. Life was good.

So, retirement. I had arrived. It was time to start my new life. I was ready. And off I went into this new life. Time to do the things I wanted to do. Great travel benefits to enjoy having retired from the airline industry (i.e. free travel for myself and spouse). Did a lot, saw a lot, experienced a lot. Loved a lot. A great life.

So, I have learned a lot in this stage of life. My perspectives and beliefs about this life have changed with the freedom of not having to work, not “having” to do a lot of things. I wish I had the knowledge I have now, way back when I was young, but, well, that’s not how life works. As they say, “too soon old, too late smart.” Wow, how true that is. But let me tell you what I have learned.

I have learned that I don’t give a %#$&*@ about so much that I used to care about. I now only care about the important things of life. The really important things. I only care about love, living with love in my life, not hate, anger, resentment. Not allowing hate, negativity, control, manipulation and put-downs to enter my personal environment.

I have learned that most of life is sh*t. That may sound negative, but I say that’s really the way it is, as I see it. So much of life, just crap. Most of life is crap in that you don’t know much when you are young, and you are subject to older people and their bitterness and their many psychological maladjustments, etc. And, to get through life, you have to “play the game,” the game of life. You had better be like this, you better do that, you should “blah blah blah, etc. You are influenced by whoever you are around, and we often are not around good, sound, well-grounded people. That has been my experience.

Of course there are good people out there. I hope you found some in your life here on this planet. Of course I did. Very helpful, compassionate, loving people. But. as I see it, they are few and far between. That’s been my experience. And fortunately, I found enough to make an impact for good on my life.

We have to do so much “kissing up” to people to be “successful.” Kissing butts, playing the game that has been set up. Yes, some may be very independent and strong and extremely successful. Thank God for those people. I was one of those from time to time. I somehow managed to walk the middle road and played enough of the game to get where I needed to be. I feel that “something” helped me along. For me, there’s always been that something, just as there is now in my life.

I consider that something “The Something.” Call it Spirit, the Higher Self, God if you will. There is definitely a something, as I see it. Jesus seemed to know about this something, calling it his father, God. He talked about living in the realm of this something, calling it the Kingdom of God. Okay, I won’t argue with that conception of the invisible realm that seems to surround us if we are open to it. I find that seeing things this way works for me. It really does work for me. Especially at this later stage of life. I mean, this is it. How much of life is left, really. We’ve lived a long life (if we’re lucky/fortunate), and now we contemplate it all (well, some of us anyway). What’s it all about, Alphie? Truly, what is it all about. (We have religions to give you answers to that question if you go that way. Or, perhaps you develop your own religion rather than strictly agree to and join one of the thousands of religions and belief systems in this world. Whatever. Do what you must to make sense of this mystery called life. Be open. Be open to truth, to the mystery. I am and the only way I can be at peace with it all is to live in love. Just live love. F**k the rest, I say. Have a good rest of your life. That’s where I’m at. I played the game. I survived the crap. I’ve had an ideal life, as I see it. Enjoy the bliss, I say! Amen.

Wally


Posted on

Masters, Gurus, Teachers, Cults [Post #111]

Well, this political season is a wild one. Lots of talk about cults and lots of anger and hatred and rigid thinking. Gets me thinking about these things. History is full of cults and people needing groups and leaders to follow who promise everything to loyal followers and use various manipulative and control tactics to maintain a very tight control of followers and their minds. I have even had some personal experience with “cults” in my life.

Now, the term cult does not always mean a bad thing. But often, especially these days, it does imply a bad thing. Christianity was considered a cult in the early days. Now it is rather mainstream, you could say. So, cults can be very bad or just a nuisance , you could say.

My experience with a cult sort of “snuck up on me” over a period of time. I got talked into joining one of those “human potential,” self-improvement,” “enlightenment” movements of the 1970’s. I did a training and consequently took “graduate seminars.” Did a few, or perhaps several, then decided “enough is enough.”

When the organization called me one day to get me signed up for a new seminar, I decided, no, I’ve had enough seminars for this lifetime. I said no, no more seminars. Done with them. Thank you very much, but no.

Well, that was not acceptable. If you’ve done the training and done several post-graduate seminars, you will continue taking classes for the rest of your life, or so their thinking goes. And when the person talking to me realized I was serious, he turned on me rather aggressively. “Oh, no, you can’t stop the program. You’ve got to keep taking seminars. You know what will happen if you outright quit? You are going to die” I was told sternly.

If I were to get on a plane, now it would crash. Or I would be in a fatal car crash, etc. Something bad was going to happen if I broke my association with this group. No question about that, the “universe” would get me. Absolutely certain.

It was hard to believe they could actually seriously say that, but that was apparently how they operated. So, that was my experience with what I considered a cult. A bit scary, I’d say.

So, did I learn anything from this experience? Well, yes. I learned some groups are manipulative and controlling. They say and think that they have the truth. They are sure of that and will do what they need to do to keep you in line, so to speak. These groups often have a guru or a master, a leader who will do everything to control you. If you are needy and lack confidence in yourself, watch out. The bad examples would be the Heaven’s Gate cult or the Jim Jones’ cult. There are lots of examples like these.

So, what have I learned from my experiences? I have learned that I do not especially like the concept of “guru” or “master,” or any authoritarian figure leading a group of needy people. I am fine with the concept of “teachers.” I have teachers in my life. Some great teachers, I would say. But that’s it. They are teachers. Flawed human beings that have a lot of good insights and truths to share with others.

So, today we have a lot of cults. Some more dangerous than others. Some in the political arena. Some very “wacko,” I would say. Some very dangerous. Well, that’s what we have to live with. At least I am aware of them and their dangerous influences. I will not succumb to any authoritarian figure in this day and age. I know better. Unfortunately, I see others, some friends and family cave in to cult leader persuasions. A very disappointing situation for me.

But life goes on. I can just do my best to be aware of all that is going on around me and stand up for what I see as truth. I hope and pray that the bad, the chaotic, and the evil go away and do not become the mainstream, especially in my life and of those I love.

Wally

Posted on

Our Various Jobs and Lessons Learned [ Post #110]

Something that has always fascinated me is when I read about famous people, celebrities and the like, is what their early life was like. What they did in childhood, what their family life was like, what jobs they had in the years before breaking through to fame and fortune. Whether they became celebrities such as in the entertainment field, or world-renowned scientists, inventors or other important people, their growing up fascinates me. Causes me to think, why did they have the success they had as compared to others, the “average joes” of the world (and, perhaps what we would sometimes consider the “losers” in life).

So, I started thinking about my early life. I’ve mentioned my early life and the struggles I had, but then I began thinking about all of the work experiences I’ve had and how they helped shape me, what affect they had on me as I progressed and matured. Yes, I think each job I had before I got into my life’s career did affect me.

I’m sure I won’t remember every job I ever had, but I’ll give it a try to show how our jobs early in life do help shape the way we live and the direction we take in finding what we are here to do in life.

When I was very young, my family was into the “business,” as they called it. Hollywood, the movie business. My dad was a newspaper columnist for the Lansing State Journal newspaper in Michigan. He had moved the family to California from Michigan before my entering the scene. He wrote movie reviews for the Michigan paper and the rest of the family was involved in the movie industry. My brother and sister were “stand-ins” for child movie stars (Bobby Driscoll and Luana Pattan). My mother was an extra in movies. I was doing modeling for advertisements in magazines and newspapers. I have wondered how my life would have turned out if my family had kept me in the business, I think I let them know I was not really into that work, but I’m not sure what happened, how we got out of that line of employment. Oh, well, perhaps I could have become “somebody,” a Brad Pitt, perhaps? The possibilities boggle the mind.

In my teens I worked for my brother-in-law on their horse ranch for a summer. It was interesting. Not really my thing but interesting to see how the race horse business was run. Learned all about breeding horses. A real eye-opener, I would say. An interesting sex education of sorts.

My first job after high school was as a fry cook at a drive-in restaurant. I learned some cooking skills, which was a good thing and fun. Interesting group of people and leaned how to get along with all sorts of people. When the place closed down, my next job was with McDonalds. That was not enjoyable. They started new hires out washing dishes, pots and pans. If you stuck with it and really worked hard, you could be a cook or cashier, but I didn’t stick it out. I didn’t like how I was treated and that was one job I left with only one days’ notice.

When in college I once again got a job in the restaurant business. This time I was a cashier/food checker at a classy restaurant on Lake Union in Seattle. That was a fun time. Got to eat some great food and enjoyed my duties. It was also a beautiful setting right on the lake. Got along with the many different people i worked with.

One of the more unusual jobs I had was one summer during my college years was as a door-to-door salesman of vacuum cleaners. Yes, me, introvert that I am, a door-to-door salesman! But, can you believe it, I actually sold some vacuum cleaners, rather expensive ones in fact.

Also, during my college years I worked for a mortuary in Seattle and lived in the mortuary. I’ve written about that experience. Learned a lot about the death experience assisting with duties like cremating and embalming, etc.

In graduate school I took a job briefly working for a cleaning, janitorial service cleaning offices such as dentist and medical offices. Didn’t care for that work at all. Totally uninteresting. Decided that janitorial work was not my thing.

I worked for a couple of friends from my church. Worked in a packing company and a mass mailing company. Interesting, but again, the experience helped me decide what I did not want to spend my life doing.

Just before starting my airline career, I worked once again in the restaurant business as a cashier and food checker. It was a fun time. got to eat lots of good Mexican food. During that time, I saw an ad in the newspaper for a airport security company. This was when they were just starting to have security procedures at the airports after a series of hijackings. I figured I could possibly make contacts in that job that would land me a job in an airline. Voila, it worked. I made the right connections and got hired with an international airline.

So, those are the early jobs that come to mind before I found my “career” in aviation. Yes, lots of jumping around, doing whatever came up for employment to help pay the bills, as they say. Not all fun jobs, but all were learning experiences. All helped form my dealing with different types of people and situations. All helped show me what I did not want to spend my life doing. That background of work experience helped me sense an intuitive “click” in my life when I started my work with my airline. I knew working for an airline would be my life work and a very enjoyable career, even if it did have it’s hard and difficult times in the years to come. I was contemplating the possibly of becoming a pilot with the airline (I obtained my commercial pilot’s license at that time), but the timing for being hired for that position just did not work out. I was a couple of years out of sync for airline pilot hiring. I decided to stick with the jobs I had in the airline and just get out and travel the world.

I spent thirty-three years with the airlines. I did see the world. I would go to Europe several times a year for several years, always traveling first class. My first trip since being hired was a three-week trip around the world. What an education that was at age twenty-six!

So, we do various jobs out of necessity in our early life and hope to find the work we really want to spend our life doing. So, I understand the famous people and celebrities that had very menial jobs early in life. How they took that step to their eventual career when the opportunity occurred, I get it.

I do feel really sorry for those who never find their ‘life work.” If I had just stuck with my early jobs, well, I hate to think how my life would have turned out. I do believe that something was guiding me through the years. I got to achieve my dreams. I got to live a long life. I have no regrets or unrealized dreams. And the best part… it aint over yet! I feel there’s still a lot more to experience and enjoy. That’s a full life, as I see it.

Wally

Posted on

Why Are We (Am I) Still Here? [ Post #109 ]

Okay, this may sound a little weird for a title for my blog today, you say. It’s a subject that’s been on my mind lately and I just think I may feel better if I get this thought out there and see where it goes. Once again, perhaps, blogging is my self-therapy. This blog concerns those of us who have lived a long life. If you are like me, having lived a long life, things may be perceived differently than they were earlier in life.

I have experienced losing so many friends and family members. I have outlived so many of my friends. I, at times, think, why have I outlived my friends? It could have been me that passed on, but it wasn’t. I have been given the opportunity to see my life play out, to realize so many of my goals and desires. I have come to see myself having a “complete” life. I was not “cut down” in the midst of the busyness of living. I am thankful for this. Very thankful.

The graveyard. So many of my friends and family are there. I visit their resting places.

I survived the many stages of life we all seem to go through. I survived childhood, which for me was not the best experience I could have had. Some dark times, as I have mentioned numerous times in my writings. I survived, and I went on to break from my family and go off to college and graduate school to experience a more intellectual side of life, as best I could.

I survived the “rat racer” stage of life, where we go to work and work hard and accumulate some money and possessions and perhaps a reputation and status. Many people get stuck in this phase and that is their life, essentially. Perhaps some get disappointed with it all and become a nihilist, completely giving up on life and become very negative people. Notice that among some people you may know? Or, perhaps some become hedonists, just living to experience pleasure as the supreme purpose of life? I’ve seen all of these types of people in my life experience.

Yes, there are many ways we may live our lives. Many different paths to take. In the end, we take “our” path and that is our life. I certainly took my unique path. I lived my life differently than anyone else I know. And a lot of that life stays inside of me, unknown to others, That’s just how life is, as I see it. Some of us get to reveal a good portion of our life to others, some are rather secretive about their individual life. Through my writings, my blogging, I’ve had the opportunity to express and reveal a lot of my life (but certainly just a limited amount because life is so vast and complex).

So, if we have lived a long life, say perhaps, beyond the age of seventy or so, here we are. We’ve done it. Lived our lives. Done our things, our way. Perhaps accomplished a lot, perhaps accomplished very little of what we planned and desired to do. And now what? Just sit and get bored? Wait to die? Or… is there more to do? If we are healthy, we are very fortunate. Our body functions, our mind still works. We can still enjoy the things of this life. Be grateful if this applies to you and your life. Thank life, or the good Lord, some would say. And I agree. I’m very thankful. Very happy with my life as it unfolded.

But, now what? Why am I still here? Is there something more for me to do? To explore? To adventure into? Yeah, that’s where I am, it seems. Now I am searching for that something more. Perhaps more writing. Perhaps more expressing in other various ways. Who knows? That’s the thing about life. Who knows what’s next? What is just around the next corner? A great mystery.

So, I have the time to contemplate my life, and life in general. The more I contemplate my life, the more I realize I’ve had a great life. Better than I ever expected in my earlier years of confusion, chaos, depressions and uncertainty. Yes, it’s all worked out. I don’t want to die today, but if I do, I will go to the next experience a happy camper, as they say. And if the next experience is non-existence, that “void” of nothingness, then so be it. But, as illogical as it seems, sometimes, I believe there may be something more. I love God, the creative force, and I love Jesus, and I love life. And many other saints and sages. Why am I still here? Ahhh… that’s the mystery. I let it be. I have another day here, let’s go for it!

Wally

Posted on

The Problem with Positive Thinking, Self Help, Seeking Happiness [Post #108]

Alright, this sounds like a strange topic for a blog that has a theme of “On the Path… It’s a Wonderful Life.” I agree but let me explain. I’m all for having and creating a good and happy, positive life. I’ve written about my earlier years. Times of chaos, unhappiness, anger, confusion and the usual childhood family experiences that many of us have had. Very dark times I survived. I got through them with no major wrong turns, fortunately.

So, I have always sought a better life than my early years led me to believe was my future. I at some point realized that I had to go my own way. Create my own life, rather than just do what I was told to do. That was the path that saved me from a very bad life of deep, dark depression. Something in my inner self pointed me in the right direction. I looked for and sought out a positive way of living. I sought out religious and spiritual wisdom and guidance and knowledge. Yes, I became acquainted with the self-help literature. I learned how to be more positive and battle the negatives of life. It worked. My life turned out good. It turned out wonderful, in fact. But, underneath the “good life” I was living, there was always a dark place staring me in my face if I let it. The bad things in life. The negative, the evil, etc. Yep, always there.

Now that I have lived many, many decades and survived so many twists and turns on my path, I began to realize that something was missing. So much of the happiness seeking and self-help literature seemed to be missing something. Like so much of church experience, there was a lot of “fluff,” stuff preached at us that was not really honest and substantial. I consider myself a real, deep, and substantial person, so I looked at this situation more closely. How could seeking happiness and positive thinking be lacking something or not perhaps the best way to live?

Well, happiness is good. Joy in life is wonderful. Self-help literature can certainly be helpful and a good thing. But there’s the other side of life. Life is sh*t, the world is f*cked. There’s evil out there. Study history. I did, it was my major in college and I’m deep into studying it now in my continuing adult education. How do you reconcile it all, living a good, positive happy joyous life and seeing the crap of the world?

I needed a new, different perspective on life that was more realistic, real, true, yet good and helpful and positive. Then I came across two interesting books that got me thinking more along these lines of how to be happy and live a good life amid all the muck in this world. The titles are a bit unusual and, well, gross. “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck,” and “Everything is F*cked.”

Read the two books. Couldn’t put them down and then discovered there was a third book, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**ck Journal.” Wow, that really got me working on looking at my life in a new way. A different way to see things, consider how you are living and how you may want to live to deal with life now. For me, that was great. Just what I needed. Basically, telling us that there are only limited amounts of f*cks to give in life, so be deliberate in deciding where to give your attention. Don’t waste your life energy on unimportant things in your life. Give your energy to what really matters to you in life. Forget the rest. That not giving a f*ck is one of the greatest skills in life you can learn.

Well, I could go on and on, as usual in my blogs, but you get the point, I hope. There is so much we cannot control in life. Being unrealistically positive and denying the bad in this world does not work, as I see it. I say denial is never a good thing. There is a lot of crap in life. So much of life is control and manipulation of us by others. Parents, family, teachers, friends, the education system and the business world and politics, etc. There is always pain and suffering and conflicts in life. Everyone has their own agenda. Many want to hurt or harm us in one way or another, make us “play the game” (their game, their way). Perhaps you don’t see it that way, but I do. I’ve been around a long time, seen it all.

So, from these books and this personal working journal and my stoic philosophy, I see things much more clearly than I ever did before. We all hurt at times. We have been hurt. Sh*t happens. There is pain and suffering in life. Even Jesus says this. The Buddha, and others. Such is life. Life is learning how to handle all of this, and that is what we have to do, really. Otherwise, we are in denial and living a false, fantasy life. A totally pleasurable, happy all the time life, with no problems. no dark times ever.

So, yes, give a f*ck. But give good f*cks. About things you really care about. Be love, give love, live totally in love, as I see it. Deal with reality. We are going to die, you know. Just live a good, ethical life so you can feel good about it all when you must say “goodbye” to everything and everyone.

I could go on, and maybe in later blog posts I’ll include some more insights gained from these books. I’ll just briefly say a few more things brought out in my reading of these books.

Shut up and be grateful. Eliminate what is not adding value to your life. Create a “F*ck it list of things you will not get involved in. Do not let emotions hijack your decision making. Don’t hope for a life without problems. There will always be problems. Make your life about having better problems (yes, this is possible). There are problems you can actually enjoy having and enjoy solving. Know your values. Ask what problems you enjoy solving in life. Focus on what you can control. F*ck the rest. Find greater purpose in your life. Is that enough to begin thinking in new, unconventional ways? Thinking in these ways have proved very beneficial for me. Enjoy your journey.

Wally

Posted on

Know Thyself [Post #107]

I’m a what? After many decades of life, I am just beginning to learn some new things about myself and some new terms to apply to myself. In my previous post I was discussing my existential angst and my thanatophobia. And, after continuing to study where I’m at these days and what terms may be used to describe my current state of affairs, I came up with some new revelations.

My latest discovery is that I am a taphophile. A taphophile, I tell you. Who knew? Certainly not me, well, not until I really thought about it. Oh, if you’re wondering what the hell I’m talking about, a taphophile is a “tombstone tourist.” Or a cemetery enthusiast. Strange terms to apply to myself.

As I think about it, though, I guess it’s true and I own up to it. I mentioned in previous posts that death experiences always seemed to have surrounded me and in college, one of my pleasant experiences was strolling through a cemetery near my college campus. It was a time of peace and contemplation for me for those four years on campus.

For one summer, I stayed in Seattle (I was attending college in Seattle, but my home was in Los Angeles) and accepted an offer to be a night watchman and live in an apartment at a mortuary in downtown Seattle. I would also assist in some of the functions and work at the mortuary. And, yes, that could be at times a bit “creepy.” But, also, I seemed to enjoy the unique experience of living and working in the place.

So, skipping ahead to today’s life in retirement and my current activities, I’m finding I still enjoy walks through local cemeteries and the contemplative and peaceful hikes and times spent there among the grave sites. Weird? Perhaps. I remember my dad once told me he lived near a cemetery at one time, and he could not stand it. He said he could always “smell death” and it almost made him sick. I guess he was not a taphophile.

So, what is it that attracts me to this unusual practice of being a tombstone tourist? Well, besides the peace and quiet of the graveyard, I enjoy looking at the tombstones or grave markers and noticing sometimes interesting comments and statements of those interred there. Also, just looking at the many, many graves I think about all these people (well, former people) and the lives they all lived. So many different, extremely different lives. Their lives are over. What was it all about, these thousands of lives? Oh, there is my existential angst, again. What is it all about?

Our lives. We’re created, we’re here for a while, and then we are gone. Happens to all of us. Yes, all of us. What’s my life about? What’s your life about? Did we do it right while we were here? There were many miserable lives lived, but also many wonderful lives lived. How do you rate or classify your life here for that brief time you were given?

I’ve stated in many blog posts that my life has been very good, even with the rough spots here and there. I dreamed and I achieved my dreams. I loved and have been loved. I wish it didn’t have to end, but I don’t get to control that aspect of life. Those graveyard strolls make me think on these things, not that they give me many answers. The mystery just continues. I have to live in the mystery of it all, like we all do. Religion and philosophy may give us some comfort, but really…we don’t know what it’s all about, do we?

Wally

Posted on

Existential Angst and Thanatophobia [Post # 106]

Well, those are two terms that probably need a little explaining. Perhaps a better title of this essay would be “the mystery of life and the mystery / fear or anxiety of death.” Ahhh, the biggies of life. Yeah, when we get older and realize, ahhh, our future is rather limited, and we are honest with ourselves, we look at things differently than we may have previously. My perspective is a bit different and a bit more intense at this stage of life than it was previously. In other words, the end is near and I don’t like what I’m seeing down the road (or right in front of me, perhaps).

So much of life is lived in denial, it seems. We are so busy living, struggling with life, achieving something, acquiring “stuff,” etc., that we don’t really think about the deep, meaningful aspects of our short time on this earth plane. Most people, anyway.

I’ve always been a deep thinker, a philosopher, perhaps a theologian of sorts. A believer, a non-believer, an agnostic, an atheist, a skeptic. Life is a real mystery and I understand and see that. And, yes, it drives me nuts if I think about it for very long. I’m currently studying science, history (my major in college), philosophy, theology and psychology in depth. And, yes, I’m enjoying the study. But the more I study, the more I learn, the more I realize there are no answers to the mystery of it all. There are facts, there are beliefs, there are experiences. There are systems or organizations claiming to have answers (usually called religions or belief systems or philosophies). Or cults or other groups. Lots of explanations, lots of “answers,” but “The answer”… well… some day we may know more of the answer, or maybe not.

That’s the existential angst. What’s it all about? And the thanatophobia. The anxiety or fear of death and the death process. Yeah, I see that in conjunction with the angst. Another great mystery. And we can feel all nice and secure in our beliefs and spiritual insights and enlightenment, but, really, we have to confront it and we know not when. And that drives me nuts. It’s not just theory, imaginings. It’s gonna be real. Time’s up.

I just had a friend die unexpectedly after being at our house having a good time. He went home and had a heart attack that night. And so it is with so many of us. One day here having a great time, and then, poof, gone.

Maybe I’ve been a morbid one most of my life. My first experience with death was when my cousin came to Los Angeles for a heart operation about age five or six, the same age I was. We were here playing one day, having a great time. Then, the next day he had his surgery, and he died. Poof. I didn’t know for a while what happened. I just knew something was wrong as his mother and my mother just walked about crying all day.

My first experience with death. Playing with my cousin the day before his death undergoing heart surgery.

In college I spent a summer living in a mortuary being a caretaker of the establishment and I got a free apartment for my work there. I was involved in many aspects of the business, assisting the morticians in various tasks. Very creepy at times but of course I was fascinated with it all.

Also, in my college years I would enjoy walking up the hill from my dorm and walking through the cemetery that was there. Felt a strange sense of peace and angst of sorts. Got me thinking a lot about life.

In pervious blogs I mentioned I had two strange experiences in my life. One at around age six when I was going under the anesthesia for my tonsillectomy. I went to a strange dark void and had an experience that I can only explain as an “other worldly” experience (a contact with God?). That experience is as vivid as if it happened yesterday.

The other weird experience was a “dress rehearsal” of sorts of my own death. It was so real. It was an experience I really can’t put into words. I experienced dying. Really experienced the whole process. I cannot shake that from my mind, just like my going under anesthesia as a child. And many years later I had a dream like no other dream l ever had. I was in a space capsule all alone out in deep space. It was an eerie feeling. All alone, in the dark void, at the center of being. With “God” again? A feeling I can’t put into words, again.

So, those are my two anxieties. Guess I just have to live with them. The purpose of life. What it’s all about? We have to find that out for ourselves. We have to make our own purpose. And the big event coming our way, death; well, it can’t be avoided. Some people may be comfortable with the event that is ahead of us and that may come at any moment. Currently, I am not. No matter how “enlightened” I may be, I ain’t there yet. Things may change. As I see it, we must live in the mystery. The mystery of the purpose of life. The horror of experiencing death. And being happy till the end. Wow, that’s a lot to ponder.

Maybe others aren’t bothered like I am over these matters. Perhaps denial of death and not understanding the meaning of life is how most people live. It doesn’t work for me. That’s what I know. Being one with it all, being enlightened, having an inner, spiritual life is great, but, still, we know what’s coming. Not when or the how or what the experience will be like. I think my “dress rehearsal“ experience of dying while on drugs is probably pretty accurate of what it will be like, along with my other two experiences of the deep black, eerie, lonely “void.” That’s my feeling at the present time. Guess I won’t be able to come back to tell you or anyone.

I’m fascinated by the NDE (“near death experiences”) stories I’ve read about. I’m open to those stories and how they have affected people. But those are stories of the “transitional” state and the people come back. Don’t know of any that have come back after six months or so. Of course, there are the “past lives” stories, which are also fascinating.

Well, as of now, at this point in my life, all I can do is acknowledge my existential angst and my thanatophobia. I stand in awe (and trembling) of the great mystery. God help me cope with it all.

Wally

Posted on

Good Enough [ Post #105 ]

There is a phrase that I have been thinking about recently after reading something. I don’t recall what I was reading, but that phrase hit me, and it started me thinking. I was thinking all of the sudden about my, shall I call it, difficult childhood and early life. Yeah, I had some difficulties in my childhood at home, living with my parents and my brother (my sister had married when I was very young and had left the household). I was very depressed at times. Very unhappy, very confused. I had horrible thoughts and horrible visions of what I just might do, given the chance. Thank God we did not have any guns at our house. It was a different world and people weren’t so gun-crazy like they are today.

Anyway, it was a very dark time for me. Well, long story short, as they say, here I am many, many decades later and my life has worked out just fine. As you know if you’ve read my previous blogs, I achieved my dreams. I have found the love of my life. I have found the good life. I wish I was younger so that I had more life ahead of me now that I’m in a good place. (Yes, I know, maybe I do have a lot of good times ahead of me, but I have done the math and know that exceeding normal life expectancy is pretty rare and I have watched many, many friends and relatives pass on.) But the point of this essay is that I have finally looked at my life a lot (I guess that’s what we do if we live a long life). And then it hit me. Really hit me. My parents were “good enough.”

Yes, “good enough!” I don’t think I ever thought about that in such a way. You know, so many people that have had a rough childhood just think the worst, the darkest thoughts about their family and parents. But now, looking back from my current perspective, I realize that they were good enough. They really were. They did teach me and exemplified a pretty decent life. Taught me basic values, civility, etiquette, etc. And I survived, didn’t I? Here I am. So, there is something to be said about being good enough. Oh, they had their problems. I don’t deny that. Some very serious problems at times. But they were not abusive like the stories we hear about in families these days.

So, the term, good enough. That is almost a nasty term in our society today. Today we live in a very competitive world. We are taught to achieve excellence. To settle for nothing less. Go for the win. Winner take all. Kill the competition. Don’t be “just good enough.” Good enough is for losers, etc., etc. I think you get it.

Now, I am certainly not denigrating excellence or going for a win or being the best you can be. I am certainly for all of that. But what I’m saying is that there are places in life where it is good, even great to sometimes just be good enough.

Do you have those places in your life where “good enough” was just fine? We always wish for the best, but life is what it is. Sure, go for the best. Go for excellence. But also, be willing to accept there are times and areas in life where good enough is adequate, such as in my difficult childhood period. Wishing for something different than what was really gets you nowhere and can be damaging to your psyche, as I see it.

I have a friend who is an artist, and a good one. One day I asked her if she had a dream of having her own gallery and she responded, “no, no way, I’m happy just doing what I’m doing.” I asked two lawyer friends if they felt they failed in their careers by not getting on the supreme court. Same response, no. For myself, I had a childhood dream of being an airline pilot. Well, I was a commercial pilot and worked for a company at a local airport in that capacity, but never became an airline pilot. Was I a failure? No way. timing and things did not work out for me to have that result in my career. And that’s okay.

When my high school counselor told me that there was no way I was going to go to college because I was just a “C” student, I would have preferred that she told me something like, “hey, you’re good enough to go to college if you just worked hard at preparing for that path.”

Oh, well, you get my point. there are situations in life where good enough is good enough. Don’t beat yourself up over situations like my childhood perception. Have a good life. Be happy. Be thankful that your life has been “good enough.”

Wally

Posted on

What I’ve (We’ve) Missed in Life [Post # 104]

Okay, for those of us who have lived a while and are getting into our later stages of life, the thought crossed my mind of what we have missed in life experiences, whether by choice or the circumstances of life. For me, the one big thing I have missed is the experience of having a family of my own, in the old classic, culturally approved manner. You know, a heterosexual marriage with children and the experiences of parenthood. I did not go down that path, and that was of my own choosing. I am not regretting that choice at all, just acknowledging that that is a life experience I did not and will not have in this life.

It would not have worked, I know. I am sure of that. I was meant to live this life I’m living now and somehow, I knew this fact, (if not consciously) for most of my life. Yes, for the first portion of my life, until my early twenties, I just assumed I’d be “normal,” get married and do the family and parent thing. Never thought of any alternative. That was destiny for everybody I thought, and I was taught that all my life. Then, when I left graduate school and had to go into the workplace, I started thinking about what I was going to do with my life. I had avoided thinking like that for some time as I was too obsessed with just getting through school. In graduate school (theological seminary), I assumed I’d graduate and start serving as a minister in a church and get married and produce a happy family. Yeah, right.

In seminary, a fellow student confronted my one day and said he suspected that I was gay. I guess the fact I was not dating or talking about women in conversations, he caught on to something. Of course, I was mad and denied any such accusations. But that confrontation did get me thinking.

I had not even thought about not doing the “normal” thing of marriage and parenthood. But now it was time to consider what my life was to be. I got my job in aviation and began my work life, but now I had to think about my personal and relationship life. It hit me that traditional marriage and parenthood was not for me. I just knew that on some level. So, I delved into my work and my other interests and put aside any serious thoughts about relationships. And that was fine. I enjoyed life, truly. I would survive, and hopefully, thrive.

Well, I did eventually get into a couple of relationships and now am very happy with the love of my life. I feel that I chose the right path for me. I am so glad I did not try to pursue the path that society said I should choose. But, like I said, I will never know what it is like to be a parent. A good thing, I’m sure. but a life experience I will miss that most people get to experience. And no legacy to leave. No line of succession, so to speak. Something missed, but for me, that’s really okay.

So, thinking along those lines, what else have I missed in this life? I have missed certain experiences that I doubt I will experience now. I have not skied, either snow skiing or water skiing. I have not skydived. I have not experienced being a soldier in a war. (Well, I would not have gone down that path with my strong antiwar beliefs.) I never became a good athlete. Yeah, I did play some sports, but never excelled in anything. I never learned to play chess. I loved playing golf as a kid (my parents were in a country club and I liked playing golf). But my enjoyment of golf was destroyed for me when my brother-in-law gave me a talk one day about how if I was ever going to be somebody in this world (this society), I had to play golf. It was mandatory in order to be a successful man in the business world. Well, that attitude just turned me off, even though I loved the sport.

Now, at this age, I really miss not having gotten to know my family better, especially my parents. I would like to know where they came from, what they went through. Why they were the way they were. I missed some serious, deep conversations with them. Fortunately, my father was a writer, and he did write an autobiography of sorts which was found after his death. Interesting, but I’d love to know a lot more.

I’ve known some friends that were in wars (WWII, Vietnam, etc.), but usually, they won’t talk about those experiences. I would really like to have deep conversations with them, but that’s not possible. Maybe that’s why I generally feel life is so much BS and we never really discuss things of great importance. So much of life is lived on such a superficial level.

So, we live life and so much of it is superficial, as I see it. We miss so much. I’m glad I missed a lot of the bad stuff of life. I did not make big mistakes, take serious wrong turns and acquire self-destructive habits and addictions. Glad about that, but I would like to have experienced a deeper experience than is normal in our short lifetime in this superficial society. Oh, well, that’s how it is.

At this point, all I can do is commit to being more honest, more real, more open to those who are willing to be open with me as we live out this portion of our lives. I just don’t have time to waste on the shallow, the superficial, the BS, the hate and bitterness of life. Life has been hard at times, but good and wonderful. It’s taken a lot of work to keep my sanity, I feel, but it is worth it. So, let’s carry on and do our best to live out our lives in peace, happiness and joy. Are you happy with your life? How do you feel about what you have missed out on in your life?

Wally

Posted on

Not A Bible Thumper, But…. [ Post # 103 ]

So, a good, long-term friend of mine told me a long time ago, “Wally, I know in the coming years (decades in the future), you are going to hit the “sawdust trail.” I just know that. Hmmm… I thought. What is he saying? What is he talking about? Well, you’ve probably picked up from reading my blogs that I do have a spiritual side to my life. I do have a history in the “evangelical” church movement, I was in college in the “Jesus’ freak” years of the 60’s and 70’s. I ran around with a charismatic, Pentecostal group of college buddies and had some very good, inspiring times, I admit. Going on to theological seminary after college I got to study “theological” and religious things, yes, and that inspired me to continue some deep study in the field. When my professor said we do not want to tell our congregations what we learned here in seminary because it would cause them to lose their faith, I thought, wow, I’ve got to dig deep into this stuff to see what the truth is about all this “church” stuff.

Well, I later gave up on it all. I became what I considered to be an atheist. But a couple of years later I thought, I really need to explore this whole field more as atheism didn’t make a lot of sense to me either. Many atheists I met were rigid and closed minded, so on I went on with my further study.

Some people who claim to be Omnists: Ellen Burstyn, John Coltrane, Shaquille O’Neal. Chris Martin, Kyrie Irving, Ramakrishna, Philip James Bailey (who first coined the term).

Eventually I settled on a spiritual journey more in line with my life experience and my “inner sense” or inner knowing. I recently came across a term for people such as me, “exvangelical.” Okay, that works for me. I also found another term for where I’m at, Omnist.

So yes, maybe my friend was right. I continued on my spiritual quest and theological and philosophical study and now I definitely have some “spiritual” life. A mystery of life, of existence. But on a quest of trying to force people to come along with me on my specific journey? I don’t think so. Everyone has to find what works for them individually. My blogs have stated that I love Jesus, God and many sages from the ages. But that’s me, my way of living.

I went on the mission field as a construction worker for missionary friends many years ago. I have preached in churches. I have good friends that have been missionaries. I spend much time in spiritual practice and study daily, normally. But me telling anyone else what they should do or believe… no way. No tent meetings, no “sawdust trail’ as my friend predicted a long time ago. Willing to share my thoughts on things. Believing that having faith and hope and an open mind is a great way to live. Believing that that is a better way to live than just being totally materialistic.

So, it’s your life. What works for you? Embittered from having a bad experience with religion? Consider some alternatives, I say. Don’t give up on contemplating the great mystery of life. Become an exvangelical if you feel you must. Explore Omnism, the good parts of all religions. Most of philosophy says that we must find some meaning in life. Not necessarily answers, but we must give our life meaning if we are going to survive this mysterious chaos called existence. For me, life is all about love. It took me a lifetime to come to this insight, but thank God (or the whatever) I now know what I know ((which isn’t much, really.) I know that I don’t know much of anything. Live love. Life is better that way, as I see it.

Wally