I recently lost a very special friend. A very unique friend. A very, very rare friend. Never connected before with someone in the way I connected with this friend. And, it was someone I did not frequently see or get together with. And, it was not a life-long friendship but rather a friendship of the last several years. And yet it was one of the closest friendships I have had. Deep and authentic and well, hard to express in words. That’s why the loss is deeply felt. She would be surprised to find herself the subject of one of my blogs. She was a strong supporter of my blogging from day one. She really loved my blogs and always let me know. The fact that she did not respond to my last blog concerned me, I knew something bad had happened, that’s how closely connected we were.
One of many birthday lunches
Every year since we met she would take me out for a birthday lunch. It was a given that we would always go out for my birthday and have a great time visiting since we often didn’t see each other that much. Of course, last year was the exception with the pandemic going on. Otherwise our meetings would be at church functions and church fund raisers at my home which she always attended. So, why was this friendship so different than all the other friendships I’ve had in my lifetime? I had to stop and think about that question. It’s hard to articulate, but I’ll try.
We always connected on a very deep, authentic level. This was a “no BS” type of friendship. No silly, time-wasting chit-chat or gossiping type of conversations. Always very open conversations about our lives, past and present. And very deep conversations about our personal lives and feelings. A couple of times I was surprised at the “wild times” that were confessed. It’s always refreshing to find out that the good people in our lives do have their indiscretions, hey, that’s life. But life is so much more than those times we were a bit wild in the distant past.
Another birthday gathering
So, really, I don’t know what else to say. I don’t experience relationships like this usually. And I have some very good friendships. This one just came along and I enjoyed it while it lasted. I may feel it passed too quickly, but I did thoroughly take advantage of the opportunity and enjoyed it. It affected my life. I am thankful I was there for this and did not just brush this off as a “friendship.”
We did meet at church. We were in a class when we met and agreed to become prayer partners for the class. So there was a spiritual element in our relationship. That probably helped start things off and it just took off from there.
At one of her church fundraisers
So, my point is, there are friendships and there are friendships. There are some “once-in-a-lifetime” friendships that are unique and can change us, for the better. I say, when they occur, go for it and enjoy the time, however long or brief.
So, nearly three years and sixty blog essays. An experiment of exploring my life, my thoughts, my feelings and judgements. At times a scary experience revealing life experiences and secrets and reliving memories of long ago. If anything, it has been a form of self-therapy. Just writing out my experiences and reflections and seeing how my life has evolved has been an enlightening time for me. It has actually solidified and clarified some practices I engage in.
Says it all for me… I can blame my father… learned to cuss from him, but I admit I took it to a new level… my bad!
For example, when I wrote about the Sabbath, my commitment to a disciplined Sabbath became became a deeper experience for me. I liked the concept of a day of rest and I practiced that concept in a haphazard way, but after writing my blog I decided it was time to get serious about the practice and really delay any normal work for the next day; to not do work on my day of rest (my “Christian Sabbath,” Sunday)
I have written about how I achieved dreams I had in childhood and how I never let people squash any aspirations I had (and they certainly tried to). I created my “perfect life,” I really did. It amazes me, now that I reminisce about all of this. I became a pilot. I traveled the world. I found love. I did work I enjoyed. I never really hated. If I did, it was a temporary experience. I do not have any real regrets. How many can say that? I’ve lived a good life. I got to live long enough to see all of this. I did not leave this life during one of my “dark” times, thank God.
I have enjoyed good reviews from friends. Not that that was what I was writing for, but it was nice that they could see my viewpoints and enjoyed my writing. I’ve never been much good at writing fiction ( I’ve tried ),but non-fiction has worked out for me.
So. this experiment of blogging has been satisfying for me and I guess I will keep at it. I see no shortage of material to draw from. My self-therapy has enhanced my life, so, what the hell. Let’s continue onward….
So, being in the last decade(s) of life, I do a bit of reflecting over a life of many decades, many adventures, many challenges, battles, dark times, joyous times, loves and disappointments. Recently the thought came to me… have I made any wrong turns on this journey? Surely, I’m thinking, everybody has made “wrong turns.” Made some big mistakes, journeyed down the wrong paths, etc. Got to be a universal experience. Got me thinking deeply. Thinking, thinking, thinking.
I’m here to tell you, I finally decided that, no, I do not at all feel that I have made any wrong turns in my life! Wow, that almost feels weird to say, like that can’t be true. Everybody regrets making the “wrong turns” in life, I’m thinking. But it is not true for me, I feel in the depths of my soul. As you have read in previous blogs, I certainly have had difficult times in my life, dark periods, real internal, emotional struggles. But you know what? I stayed on the path I now feel was laid out before me. Since I have a thing called faith, I would say a path God laid out for me, or the universe or whatever if that is easier for you to swallow.
I would not have wanted my life to go in a different direction. No, really. It may have been a long road, but I am now in a good place and I have had good experiences and realized my dreams and loves. What can beat that? In my book, nothing! Oh, yeah, I could daydream of having accomplished some great tasks and changing the world and becoming famous. That may be a great daydream, but that was not to be my life. That’s just not my path in this life. A great path for others I would agree. If that’s your path, your journey, great. I’m all for good people doing good things and making a difference in the world. Totally behind you.
Do you get envious of other people that seem to have a life of miraculous accomplishments and success? Thank goodness I do not waste any energy on that one. I am all for good people that make a real difference in this crazy world. But, you know what? I had to live my life, do my things. Find my own path, do those things I dreamed of, be happy with my life. And, I have no regrets! I did not make wrong turns. I certainly messed up at times, made mistakes, had bad thoughts, etc., but that’s a lot different than traveling down the wrong road. No major mistakes were made (thank goodness!).
I have friends that have accomplished great things. Artists, teachers, lawyers, politicians, doctors. I love that they did their “thing.” I am sorry for those who feel that they did take the wrong turns, lost or never found their purpose in this life. That is sad. I would say that that did not have to be. But what do I know, really. Maybe that was their “path” to travel in this lifetime. And those I know who have committed suicide by intention or by neglect. How sad, how painful. Thinking of all of this does reinforce my stand that my life has involved making no wrong turns. Something guided me. Something encouraged me. Something inspired me. Even when I did not feel it at all, something was there, in my soul, in my inner being. I never shut that something, that voice, out. That’s why my blog’s theme is “On the Path,” “It’s a Wonderful Life!”
So, I wonder, were there times I could have made the “wrong turns?” Well, thinking along those lines, I could have pursued my finishing theological seminary and become a minister/pastor in a church. Had a nice normal family with children and all. No, that would not have been good. Not in my life. Or what if I had been successful in becoming an airline pilot ( I came very close but something told me this was not the right thing for me.) So, my stand is that I have not made wrong turns.
Yep, me on the right. At elementary school. Early in life. Before I made any real decisions regarding my life, whether right turns or wrong turns. A time of innocence. All of life lay ahead of me. Turns out it was a good life that was awaiting me.
So, that’s my philosophy, I guess. I made no wrong turns. I can’t speak for anyone else. Are there really wrong turns in life or is there just the way our life goes because of our intensions and choices. Something to ponder. I do have compassion for those who have a messed up life. Yes, there’s a lot of sh*t in this world. I believe we are co-creators in life. Co-creators with whatever you call it. Fate, the Universe, God. I am very grateful for my life and all the right turns I made.
Love. There’s a word that’s used a lot. Thrown around a lot. Casually and very seriously. “I love this!, I Love that! Love’s what makes the world go round,” etc., etc., etc. Yeah, we use the word love a lot, don’t we? Everyone desires love in their life. They say it gives life meaning. Even with the psychologically unbalanced, with the hardened criminals, all the misfits in life, the psychological experts would agree. The lack of love in their lives is part of their problem. It seems that love is required to have a real, meaningful and satisfying life.
Having gone through a lot in life, I would have to agree that one thing that is required to fully live, is love. In fact, at this stage of life, I would go so far as to say it is really everything. That may sound extreme, may sound very “new age.” But after living a long life, I would stick with my statement that love is everything. After studying a lot about religions, about philosophy, about life, psychology and evil or the dark side of life, it seems the only thing that really matters is, “have we loved? Really loved? Has our life been about love?
I am of the belief that love is Divine. True love is beyond us. It is from another realm. It is not part of the ego. It is, well, like, “magical.” The apostle Paul wrote the famous chapter on love in the New Testament which I think sums it up very well. Says it all, I think.
At this point in life, I am totally committed to living a life of love. I’ve lived other types of life. I’ve lived a life of turmoil. I’ve lived a life of confusion, bitterness, hate, resentment, revenge. Like most people, I’ve “acted out” at times in life. I’ve reacted to manipulations and abuse in so many ways. I feel “I’ve done it all.” From here on out, just give me love or forget it. No more crap. If you are not going to relate to me in a loving way, well, be on your way. Have a good life. Just stay out of mine. I do not accept the unloving stuff in my environment any more. Period. This past four-year period of the political situation this country has been in has had its affect on me. I’ve seen so much unloving action and expression that it has changed me. I cannot respect people I have previously had respect for. Some were close people. Does not matter. When I see the hate, the false accusations and slander, I’m done. Now the biblical passage of Jesus telling his disciples to “shake the dust off of your feet and leave the unaccepting people and move on” makes sense, takes on a whole new meaning for me.
So, I will only live in love from here on out. Decision made. But what does that entail? That question brings me to the second part of my essay. I strongly believe that to love with true, real love, one must go through a process of surrender. Yes, I know that word has bad connotations in this world and society. Surrender. Usually means, to people, to give up, give in, lose, be a loser, etc., etc. And some of that is true. But I think we need to re-define the word.
If you are truly going to love, I say some surrender is necessary. One must surrender some (I’m saying some, not all) of the ego. Some of our strongly held beliefs, feelings and opinions. If you love, you are going to be changed to some degree. An internal change and to some degree, an external change. Required, I say.
When I decided to live a life of love, I had to give up some things. When I got married, I had to surrender to the new arrangement, the new type of relationship. I even had a pastor tell me, oh, that’s dangerous. Hmmm, I thought. Wonder how his life is if he really thinks that way. I hope he was kidding, but it didn’t sound like it.
So, living a life of love and surrender. In a way that does sound like it is a way of life fraught with danger. Being a doormat, being controlled and manipulated and all that. Well, I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about being strong, assertive, solid, forceful in living in love and surrender. Not weak, cowering and subject to the jerks of this world. It’s a matter of saying, “no, I will not accept that!,” Do not talk to me like that or treat me like that. We’re done here.
Yeah, these last few years have really had an impact on my life. Forced me to face what I will accept in my life now. What energies I will accept in my immediate environment. No more sh*t now. I’ve seen and experienced too much now.
Currently I am involved in a personal project, an in-depth study of philosophy. I just happened to stumble onto this project recently, and I am absolutely enthralled with the study I’m doing. Let me backtrack briefly and tell you how I got here into this unexpected place. I have a collection of some good, intelligent educational cassette tapes left over from years ago when I had my own business of selling and distributing educational and motivational tapes. I gave up the business when cassettes became outdated and CDs became the new technology. The old tapes got stored away and as I was recently decluttering my office area I came across these tapes and realized a lot of them I never actually listened to. The time came to decide, “throw then out, or listen to them and see if they are of any interest to me at this stage of my life.”
Some of the tapes I’ve converted to CDs and am currently studying. Each CD case contains four CDs..
I made the decision to listen to them, at least those that possibly interested me. I converted the tapes to CDs and began listening. For some reason I never put much effort into studying philosophy in school. I learned enough to get through college, but the bare minimum. I studied religion a lot but neglected philosophy (even though they are very interconnected and complementary in one getting a “complete” education, as I see it.
But, this blog post is not going to be about philosophy. Perhaps in a future post I will cover that subject. This post is about a life long habit I have just been thinking about recently, the habit or practice of being a “life-long learner.” At this stage of my life, I realize that habit or practice has been a great motivator and has kept me going, intellectually, and been my salvation, in a sense.
As child, somehow I got into a children’s book club that was a series of “All About” books. All about astronomy, mathematics, geography, etc. I would get a new book every month or so and I would devour it. Loved it. I loved learning new things. In a previous blog I mentioned how I was being steered to not go on to further education after high school. In fact, my thinking when I was young was, “I can’t wait to just be done with high school so I can just go get a job and live my life.” But when my high school counselor refused to let me take English literature class in high school and told me I was not “college material,” that set my mind in a new direction. I did not accept that label and eventually did get into a college and graduate school after that. I did not settle for what people thought of me, how they judged me or tried to limit me.
So, I spent my years getting my “higher education.” I loved that time. I loved college and then theological seminary (see my earlier blogs). I had my mind opened. I saw a big world out there. I traveled the world with my airline job. I developed a side business selling educational tapes for a few companies like Simon and Schuster, etc. I did listen and study the various subjects those tapes covered. (I even sold Trump tapes on how to become rich, etc., but never liked him much way back then).
When I decided it was time to realize my dream of being a pilot (a dream since about age six), I thought, well, nobody is going to help me, motivate me, guide me, so I just better get started and do some studying and pass my written exam for my private pilot license. I did just that. Found some good books, found a study guide, and on my own sat down and did some intense study. All self motivated. I went and passed my written test and then found a flight school to begin my flight training. After that, I got my commercial pilot’s license, my flight instructor’s certificate, my instrument flight instructor’s certificate and my advanced ground instructor’s certificate and did some flight instructing and commercial flying.
So, there are many instances like this where I just persisted in pushing myself in pursuit of more knowledge, or pursuing my quest of “lifelong learning.” I got my amateur radio (ham) radio license a long time ago, I used to log all my reading of books. It was an amazing list every year. In college I took a course in piano playing (I had taken lessons as a kid). I would force myself to take guest speaking gigs when offered, preaching sermons when the opportunity arose. So, even though I, like most people, experienced and fought procrastination from time to time, I always eventually pushed myself forward and learned new stuff. I’ve heard it said that our “in box” will never be empty, even at our death. I certainly believe that is true. I will never complete all the tasks I have set for myself.
So, what are the alternatives to being a lifelong learner? Well, I suppose one can just be a “drifter,” One can just drift along in life. Eat, drink and be merry, as they say. Yes, that can be a good life. Others can be more melancholy throughout their life. Living a more sad type of life. I see that as sad, but a way of life that many seem to choose or as they would see it, they are stuck with. At the opposite extreme of being a lifelong learner as I see it would be the lost individual. The person with no enjoyment in living, perhaps a gang member or a committed criminal who just has no purpose, meaning or any real motivation in life. Now, I’m not talking about a person going through a period of depression, perhaps a long and deep depression. I’m referring to a way of life. A lifelong choice.
So, lifelong learning. I see it as my salvation. I had dark periods in my early life but I propelled myself out of those prisons. Reading my previous blogs will show you that. It has been a struggle at times to make my life meaningful, give it purpose. I am now glad for those experiences. I learned my lessons and they have served me well.
A book from my library. It got me in touch with this whole subject of lifelong learning.
So, now I’m deeply involved in studying philosophers and philosophy. An area I have previously avoided in my life. It is amazing how it is opening up my eyes and thoughts to new ways of seeing things. Not that there is one philosophy, or one religion, one philosopher or guru or one way to believe (my blog, “Only One Way” goes into that way of thinking). I am on a new path in my learning adventure. I will probably purchase more university courses (CDs and DVDs) from a company I deal with. The learning will never end while I still have a breath within me. Then it’s on to learning new things, “somewhere else.”
This is a joint blog with Larry Thomson, my friend who has written two guest blogs previously. It’s a little different in that we delve into the weird side of life, the speculations on the other dimensions of life that some people, including some scientists, sense and believe in to some degree. I’m talking about things like String Theory, Black Holes, Black Energy, Etc. Quantum physics is currently exploring and investigating these realms and I must admit, it is interesting, confusing, and way beyond my comprehension. I read the books by scientists concerning these topics and my eyes glaze over as I don’t understand what I’m reading, often. Still, I do push to expand my mind to try to comprehend as much as I can. I admit, this is mysterious territory and I just can’t dismiss, categorically, all of this “woo-woo” stuff. I will now present Larry’s essay that he provided to me on this subject.
Two interesting books on “woo woo” subjects of different dimensions I’ve recently read
WHAT IF
By Larry J. Thomson
When I was a senior in high school, my friend Brian and I drove from Owensboro to Henderson in Kentucky one night for some “up-to-no-good” time. On the way home, I was showing off and driving way too fast. The faster I drove, the more Brian tensed up and squirmed. I was rather enjoying this uncharacteristic display of power. As the speedometer hit 90 mph we hit a curve in the road, I hit the brakes, and the blue ’64 Chevy station wagon, my family’s car, flipped three times, caving in the roof, demolishing the car, instantly killing Brian and myself..
This story is true except for the ending. Instead of flipping, the car did three or four whirlybird spins and stopped in the highway median, not a scratch on us and no damage to the car. Fortunately, no other cars were in sight. After the initial shock, we laughed it off and continued, under the speed limit. We were teenagers.
While the car was spinning, I went into, what seemed like another zone. I could see Brian down on the floor of the car and I felt like I had resigned all control to another power. In those moments, what if…?
What if we were in a portal to another dimension; a place where the scenario could have gone either way? What if both scenarios actually happened simultaneously; one where we survived and another where we died, and maybe even another where we were maimed or paralyzed for life? We all have those “what if” moments in our life. What if I had gotten on that plane that crashed? What if I had married my high school sweetheart? What if I had been drafted and sent to Vietnam?
There are also those bigger “what ifs” of life. What if Lee Harvey Oswald had missed? What if Hitler’s mother miscarried? What if we had contact from life on another planet? What if a person in Asia hadn’t eaten a bat?
I believe all these situations are playing out right here, right now, as well as the one situation we are focusing our awareness on – right here, right now. Metaphysics, as well as quantum physics talks about such possibilities, and experiments have been done to support the theories. Scientists believe there are at least eleven different dimensions that can be proven. I believe the number of dimensions is infinite. I believe there are as many dimensions as there are thoughts and every thought can switch us from one dimension to another. I also believe that when we dream, our soul-mind is interdimensionally traveling while our body is resting and continuing functioning as it, of itself, knows exactly how to do. Our awareness moves from our bodies and travels through what Rod Serling called the “dimension of our imagination”. There, we live other lives; with souls we don’t know in this world, with souls that we knew but have departed this world, in places from our past, places in other worlds, with beings from other worlds, etcetera, etcetera. I have realized that while I sometimes have recurring dreams, I most often am amazed at the unlimited variety of situations I experience in my dreams. Sometimes we decide to remain in one of those situations. More often we awake and our focus is back where we were before we went to sleep.
Most likely, we all give thought to those tipping points in our life and think “what if”. Personally, I could have joined the religious brotherhood, married a girlfriend named Debbie right out of high school, been drafted and sent to Vietnam (I was low on the draft list but got a 4Fclassification), stayed in Owensboro, Texas, Denver, or San Francisco instead of moving on, stayed with my lover David in Denver, OD’d on Quaaludes in San Francisco, died of AIDS in the 1980’s, not taken that permanent job with the County, and so on and so on. And if I had pushed a little harder on that gas pedal and reached 95 mph, the car could have flipped instead of spun. Knowing what I know now, all of the above would have been disastrous. But in the eternal realm of creation, all of these occurrences are playing out this very moment as well as limitless others.
Many new age authors write about “the now”, and what we experience now is depending on where we focus our awareness. It works individually as well as collectively. We may focus on the past or the future, but we’re doing it now which makes the past and future mere illusions. I’m sure a lot of folks consider all these kinds of things a lot of woo-woo. But then they will say, “God is everything, everywhere, in everyone, all the time” (time being another illusion). Jesus said, “all things are possible with God” which also means God is all possibilities; those we are focused on, and those we are not. Within the stillness of God, every potential is playing out. We have the choice of which potential to put our attention on, and sometimes we let our choice be influenced or even dictated by others with an agenda that may be altruistic, or may be selfish.God said to Moses, “tell the people I AM sent me to you”. How many times a day do we say “I am”? When we say it, are we realizing we are speaking the name of God? What follows? I am this or I am that. Are we focused or speaking vaguely? Are we controlling our focus and therefore our lives? Are we afraid of losing something or someone if we change our focus and therefore change our lives?
Ancient wisdom teaches that nothing is lost in all of Creation. Matter is simply focused energy and energy is neither created nor destroyed, but ever changing; changing based on focus. So I feel assured that whatever our focus is “mattering” at this moment, all the things we are not focused on are still happening in some dimension waiting to be focused on, or not focused on. Jesus said “in my father’s house are many mansions (dimensions)”. Then he affirmed that this is true for himself as well as everyone.
Science, religion, new age – ancient wisdom spirituality, and our own life experiences tell us in agreement; all things ARE possible; nothing is lost; and God Power is in every one of us ready to be applied to our lives and take us wherever we will to go, do whatever we will to do, and be whoever we will to be.
In conclusion (Wally)…
So, we’re really “getting out there,” aren’t we? I am pretty much in alignment with a lot of what Larry writes. I know my dream world is really wild. Have I got stories! I think a lot of us do. We often dismiss a lot of things we experience in life and the dream world that are very mystical, spectacular , unexplainable and unbelievable. I think we sometimes “drift” into other dimensions, into the “twilight zone,” you could call it. People who have had NDE’s (near death experiences) have some wild stories. there is more to life than meets the eye, as they say.
If you are a total skeptic or an unbeliever of anything but the material, physical world, well, so be it. I get it. But, someday you may just stumble into some type of contact with other dimensions and be astonished, shocked, dumbfounded. I think the perspectives Larry and I have shared here are not that uncommon in the whole scheme of life on this planet. New discoveries are being made all the time in science and physics. I say, just be open to all dimensions as you proceed on your journey. Life is an evolution and a revealing if we are awake and true to ourselves.
In previous blogs I stated my very simple religion as ” Love, Trust God, and F the Rest.” And I mean “fooey with” the rest. That is what works for me as my personal religion. Look, religion can be and is a very complicated subject and very controversial. I like to keep things simple. I believe my simple statement covers everything.
Taking my statement apart, let’s look at each part of it. The first part is “love.” Wow, that’s a big subject. Perhaps I’ll cover that in a future blog. This blog will be concerned with the second part of my belief/religion, “Trust God!” What does that mean? That, also, is a big subject. Gee, how many books have been written about trusting God? And that means what, exactly?
You live life. You live a lot of life. You go through a lot if you live to a decent middle or old age. You get kicked around a lot by life. You get hurt, abused, damaged, perhaps. Of course, you probably also get blessed, loved, excited, lucky, successful, happy and satisfied abundantly, hopefully along the way. Lots of good and bad is usually the mixture we experience over the years. We keep “moving on” unless we get really down and hit rock-bottom and decide to give up or end it all as a way out. That’s a very sad decision or choice to make, but it’s always available. So, unless we do opt-out of life, how do we make it? How do we survive the yuck, the sad, the dark, the disappointing periods we travel through? Well, as I see it now in my life, it comes down to a “trusting,” a trusting in “something.” Atheist or believer, I see it as us trusting in something.
This is where it gets all crazy and confusing and bizarre, as I see it. There are many, many ways to see life, and many beliefs to have regarding what it all is about. There are many paths to take, many ways to see how life works and how it doesn’t work. So, how do we handle all of this? This mystery of life, as the song says, “what’s it all about, Alfie?”
Well, I’m not going to get into what it is all about. I may be an enlightened soul, but that is way beyond my understanding, really. We’ve got religions and philosophers for that. That’s their business to sort out and try to make all of life into a logical system. I’ve done quite a bit of that myself, and will probably always continue to work in that region of thought and consciousness until my last breath. But for now, let me turn to how to live now, today, with no absolute certainty of what it ((life) is all about.
I very strongly believe that we have to face what’s right in front of us. I mean, really, what choice do we have? As they say, “it IS what it IS!” Life, ultimately, goes one way, the way it goes. (Oh, I am so profound, aren’t I?) I guess that’s called fatalism. Yet, I transcend that fatalism by my “trusting in God.” Hey, what? A contradiction here, you say? Well, I don’t think so, really.
So, regarding faith. I say that I have faith. Faith?, Faith in what? How can I have faith if we don’t have any real absolutes, certainties, gurus, etc.? Well, now we are touching on that part of my religion where I state, F the rest (fooey with). I do have faith. I have faith in what I call God. Others may use other words. The universe, life, etc., but I use the word God. The unseen force, creator of life, of the cosmos, etc. It’s the perspective I have on life. There is the unseen world. There are forces at work in life which you can sense if you open up to all of life, as I see it. I believe we can communicate with that force, God. I believe we can trust in that force. I believe we can live in peace, no matter what may be occurring at the present moment in time.
Now, I’m certainly not saying that things may not be going well, from our personal perspective. It seems that bad things do happen in life. Sometimes, some very bad things. We can get down, we can be devastated, hit bottom, seemingly have no hope, no faith.
But that is exactly where, as I see it, my trusting God comes into the picture. Life happens as it happens. I do my part by being awake, being aware of as much as I can. I rely on what I sense as the Divine force (God) in life. I communicate with the unseen side of life through contemplation, prayer and meditation. I listen, I pause, I open myself to what is going on. I sense the invisible dimension of Spirit life. I cannot control everything in life, but I can trust. I can surrender to the Good of life, the God, the Divine. And I do.
Now, I do not in any way put down those who have a very elaborate religious system in place in their life. You may have specific beliefs and rituals and rules which you live by. You have “your” religion. You deal with life how you believe you should. That’s fine, I say, if it is done in love, in a loving, compassionate, open way. If your religion is a religion of hate and meanness, well, I do have a problem with that.
So, “love, trust God, and fooey with the rest,” that pretty sums up what I live, what my religion is.
Watching an old rerun of “The Golden Girls on TV recently, the character Sophia used the phrase “within spitting distance of St. Peter” when referring to her age. So, here we are people in my age group, in this strange land of being near enough to the end of our life that we can almost taste it, see it, feel it, sense it, have an intuitive knowing that we are “close.” We can deny it but it’s there, none-the-less. We know our time is limited in a way we never felt before. A certainty. The evidence is all around us. I have outlived so many of my friends, as I have discussed in previous blogs. No way around it, “spitting distance.”
So, I have decided to delve into this area. I realize this is a topic most people prefer to avoid, in fact, most people do all they can to avoid. But as Tolstoy said, “If a man has learnt to think, no matter what he may think about, he is always thinking of his own death.” Hmmmm. I am not confining my essay to death, but rather this whole period of life where we realize that our own time is more limited than ever before. We always thought in terms of having decades and decades of life ahead of us, exciting and greatly anticipated life ahead of us, but one day we realize we are at what the world calls “old age” and we can tell, in various ways, that the “end is in sight.”
So, here we are. We have lived a great deal of our life. Has it been a good life? A so-so life? A miserable life, painful, sad, perhaps mostly unhappy life? I can only speak for my life. It has been a good life. but, as I have explained in my blog posts, there certainly were dark periods, difficult times in many different ways, but navigating my way through those times, my life has turned out to be a great life. I thank God for that.
So, this final period, what do we do? We know what’s coming. I personally have watched so many, (most, in fact) of my friends and co-workers pass on to the next world, whatever that is. I always am relieved it is them and not me, of course. Don’t we all think that way? Yet, we realize that our day is coming and it could be any time. Any time. Any day. Wow, are there things I have put off in life, unrealized dreams and desires and tasks? Relationships to be healed or completed or released?
Well, for me those areas are pretty clean and in order. No real problems in unrealized dreams. I have had a great time on this earth. Stumbled here and there at times as I said, but a great life was the result. Am I ready to go? Not really. I feel there is more to do. But at the same time I do live my life as if this may be my last day (my tagline on my Facebook page currently). I really do live that way every day, so in a sense I am ready but I am still very busy with my various projects and living a full life.
Many people I know seem to have a less happy life. As the seventeenth-century divine Thomas Fuller said, We are born crying, live complaining, and die disappointed.” Philosophers and moral essayists, tragic dramatists and unhappy poets all agree about this. So sad. So unnecessary, as I see it. Yes, there certainly are tragic lives, sad lives, and I have compassion for those lives. But so often the amount of misery is compounded by wrong thinking, wrong living, ignorance and stupidity, etc. Good and bad things happen to everybody at various times. How we handle those times, how we handle our thoughts and actions and whether we have a faith and spiritual presence in our life can make dramatic differences among us.
So, some people do keep busy right up to the end of life. I’m thinking of Alex Trebek, who worked right up to the end of his life doing what he enjoyed; he never took a “retirement.” And that is good for a lot of people. Great, keep doing what you love. For me, I’m keeping busy ((very busy), but not doing work I spent thirty-three years doing, working for a corporation. I desired a retirement and I made that decision when I was burning out. I feel that I made the right decision, for me. So, we are all individuals when deciding how to live out this last portion of our lives. I certainly do not believe there is only one way to do it. For me, retirement is the greatest experience. I’m doing things I’ve put off and discovered I want to do now. I am currently in the midst of studying philosophy and philosophers, a subject I pretty much avoided in my college years and now have a deep interest in, perhaps because of this final period I am in. Also, this is a period of some great travel experiences. I have always enjoyed travel (hence, my working in the airline industry), but now we are really enjoying the freedom of traveling a lot.
So, for me this is an exciting time. Doing interesting things. Including doing my hiking exercise, sometimes in the graveyard these days. I’m finding these hikes to be great times of deep contemplation as I wander among “the dead.” Lots of thinking about this “final period” of life. Together with my study of philosophy and religion, life is becoming more interesting, even if the real answers to the questions of life are always an elusive mystery. The journey is interesting, that’s for sure.
So, yes, I may be within spitting distance of St. Peter, but I’m not wasting this time being morose and fearing the end. Well, maybe we all fear death in a sense, but I do believe we can diminish that fear and be more accepting of all of life, including its end. We do have a choice how we want our life to conclude. At least we can be mentally, emotionally, and spiritually prepared to a great degree if we work at it. If we never deal with it, well, then it will “just happen.” I have had two what I will call DPEs in my life. What is a DPE you ask? Well, you’ve probably heard of NDEs, “near death experiences.” And you may have heard of SDEs, “shared death experiences,” where a person shares the dying experience along with the person dying, being a companion during the person’s transition to the next world. Well, I’ve invented the term DPE to describe the “death preview experience,” of which I’ve had two in my life. Very vivid experiences.
Hiking in the graveyard. Good exercise and good times of contemplation on life and the meaning of it all.
I touched briefly on, in a previous blog, my experiencing of “going to God,” or a type of “death preview” I had as a young child. I was going under the ether to have surgery to have my tonsils removed. When I went under the ether I had a strange experience that I can recall today exactly as it was sixty-some years ago. I felt I was going to God. Hard to put into words, but a very vivid experience. And then, in middle age, I had a drug-induced experience of going through the death experience. It was very real. I knew it was a preview of what dying was going to be like. A letting go of everything in life. I mean everything, it was a very real experience. Again, hard to put into words, but so real, I remember it exactly. All the feelings and the absolute release of all of life. The dying experience. Today, I realize I was given that experience for some purpose, a preparation for what someday it would be like.
I had one other strange experience burned into my memory. I was driving a car (not my own) , in the 1960’s, I was alone and traveling very fast, perhaps eighty miles an hour or so. Suddenly I lost control somehow and went off the side of the road and down a slope into a ditch. I was sure that this was it, I was going to die, there was no way to get out of this situation. But, somehow I got the car out of the ditch traveling at that high speed and got back up the embankment and onto the road. Finally, I stopped to inspect the car, sure there had to be some damage from all of this. But, miraculously, no damage, not a scratch.
So, I find the stories of NDEs I’ve read to be fascinating. And the stories of the SDEs I’ve read also fascinating. And these three experiences of “dying” or previewing the dying experience of my own, well, what can I say, they were life-changing.
Looking back on my life, I see that so much of life has been BS. We waste so much life being controlled and manipulated, coerced and sometimes abused by others. What really matters in life? Isn’t that the question of all philosophers, all philosophies, all religions? People get yanked around by their jobs, their bosses, their relationships and friendships, by society, by our culture. People give up their freedom and join groups, religions, cults, etc. Why? Why give up your God-given freedom? Life is short. Be free. That’s what I have come to see in this last portion of life, in my evaluation of it all, of life on this planet. That is what I have come to understand at this time of my life. This is the good life… freedom.
“Old age is the most unexpected of all the things that happen to a man”- Leon Tolstoy.
“Everybody has got to die, but I always believed an exception would be made in my case. Now what” – William Saroyan (on his deathbed)
“The cradle rocks above an abyss, and common sense tells us that our existence is but a brief crack of light between two eternities of darkness” – Vladimir Nabokov
“Tell them I have led a happy life!” – Ludwig Wittgenstein (last words)
May my last words be like Ludwig Wittgenstein’s. I’ve stayed on my path and am having a wonderful life.
I’ve written about various spiritual/ religious topics (i.e. sin, death, etc.), so now I’ll tackle prayer and the prayer life. This is from a personal viewpoint, as that’s the only viewpoint I can really write from. There are many books about prayer, many teachers and many different beliefs about prayer from many different religious viewpoints. I’m going to be talking about my personal feelings and experiences regarding the subject. I will state up front that I see prayer life as essential to living a good, successful, psychologically and emotionally healthy life.
People in our society and culture often throw the word “prayer” around so flippantly that it is almost meaningless, as I see it. Everyone seems to be saying these days, “I’m sending thoughts and prayers your way,” and it just seems a nice cliche, a polite, not often real, seep sincere concern or intention to really stop and “pray.” Do most people who say “thoughts and prayers” really, seriously stop and follow through with action, praying?
Childhood prayers and the prayers we may be taught in a religious organization may be very superficial and rote that we don’t seriously consider what prayer is and how it can impact our life. I was taught the bedtime prayer, “now I lay me down to sleep….” Many friends have told me they, too were taught that one in their childhood.
That may be the start of a prayer life for children, and I’m not criticizing that. But as we grow and evolve, many of us give up on prayer in our lives after that period of childhood praying. Perhaps some continue to occasionally pray in a similar fashion or just learn to give blessings before meals if that practice was pushed in our families. It was a practice in my family. Before dinner, we prayed’ “God is great, God is good, let us thank Him for our food, amen.” That was it for prayer, along with the bedtime prayer, in my household growing up.
Like many people, prayer after childhood pretty much became non-existent, except for emergency prayer at those rare times in life. You know, like when someone is extremely ill, someone is dying or near death, you are being tested for cancer or AIDS or something like that, or your plane is obviously out of control and it looks like a very bad situation. Oh, yeah, I’ve experienced those times when I suddenly “get religion” of some sort.
I have discovered a whole different experience of praying during my evolving long life on this planet. It’s not that there’s a right and a wrong way to pray, it’s just a different experience, a different way of praying and the results are a whole different way of life, I’ve discovered.
It makes a big difference when you experience God or the Divine Presence, or what ever you want to call “It,” that energy or force or feeling of a presence within you or always surrounding you. When “God” is not some man up in the sky. Something that needs to be called upon to come to you and needs you to explain what’s going on; explain to ‘Him” what you need and you feel you need to plead and beg for something, perhaps make a deal with, negotiate with this God. I feel that treating the god you pray to like a Santa Clause or a “hit man” or a bell boy or servant is not the most effective way to pray. I feel, though, that there are various effective ways to “pray aright.”
What I’m talking about is “affirmative prayer.” It is prayer that is a conversation of oneness with the almighty, the force, the creator. As Jesus says, the Father already knows what you need and it is his good pleasure to give you what you need. You don’t need to explain as if you are talking to a stranger. You don’t need to beg, you don’t need to deal-make with Him (although you might do those things if you are desperate and that is understandable). Like I said, there are many different ways of praying, I’m just laying out what I find works best for me. You can research (google) “affirmative prayer, ” if interested, to get more details on this type of prayer.
What I’ve found out after living a long life is that with prayer, life is better, it goes smoother, it flows better. That’s the bottom line on all of this. Things happen in life. Things happen in a better way when prayer is practiced. I find that when prayer is not practiced or is non-existent in life, things tend to be worse, often. Practicing prayer seems to cause forces in life to come alive, to enter your life. Events occur serendipitously more often when you maintain contact with the “unseen” world, with the presence or spirit I call God. That’s all, life works better. Things turn out better, in the long run, and sometimes in the immediate moment.
Don’t believe in God? I still say prayer is a good practice to try, to experiment with, to play with. You’re dealing with energies and life forces you can’t understand. You don’t have to understand them, you won’t, as I certainly don’t, to be honest. Understanding is not the point, anyway. Just open up to the possibility that there’s more to life, there’s the unseen life, the spiritual dimension. Get more good coming your way, experience being blessed, even super blessed! I know it’s possible, I’ve experienced it. I’m much more aware of it now since I have studied it and practiced it more in my life.
Now I’m not being naive or pollyannish. Bad, awful things happen in life. I’m saying that if God IS, then God ALWAYS is, and God is in EVERY situation in our life. God is with you in your difficult, even horrible situation. I feel it is better than being all alone, knowing there is a presence with you. It is easier, as I see it, if you always practice a prayer life, rather than just turning to prayer, turning to the Divine only in emergency situations. In other words, I find a prayer life is better than a prayer less life. As I see it, it’s more a matter of “practice makes better” than “practice makes perfect.” And, if your prayer life has been a disappointment, I say try new ways of prayer. See what’s out there in this great universe of ours.
I only wish I had discovered the secret of good honest, loving, compassionate prayer earlier in life. I know things would have gone better, decisions and choices would have flowed easier. The struggles would not have been so horrendous at times. I would have had more faith, confidence, and possibly more certainty at those difficult times. Life has turned out well, but I could have had an easier time with a good prayer life of “praying aright.”
So, those are my thoughts on this topic of prayer and the prayer life. I’m just saying what works for me on this path of a wonderful life. Sending loving prayers and thoughts your way! Hahaha! (No, really, REALLY!)
Today’s blog is a guest blog from a good friend on mine. He had written this essay to me recently and I was very impressed with his story and thought it would make a good “guest blog.” The subject is in line with the theme of my blog “On the Path, It’s a Wonderful Life.
“Do you renounce Satan?” “I do renounce him. ”“And all his works?” I do renounce them.” “Do you believe in the holy Catholic Church, the communion of saints, the resurrection of the body, and life everlasting?” “I do believe.” “This is the faith of the Church. We are proud to profess it, in Jesus Christ, our Lord. I baptize you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.” And they all said “Amen”. I was baptized on Sunday, October 12, 1952 at St. Stephen’s Cathedral in Owensboro, Kentucky. I was twelve days old.
The responses above were spoken by my oldest brother and sister who were my godparents. Thus, was my fate sealed. I was to go to parochial school, a catholic high school, and adhere to the beliefs and dogmas of the Roman Catholic Church for the rest of my life. Except that it didn’t turn out that way.
Growing up, I was a good little catholic boy. I was even an altar boy. No girls allowed on the altar then. I went to mass (the rituals and robes fascinated me), confession (I was a pretty good kid so sometimes I had to make up sins), received holy communion (if you touch the host you will immediately drop dead and go to hell), revered the priests (escaping molestation), and got an excellent basic education of readin’, writin’ and ‘rithmatic while also enduring the mental, emotional, and physical abuse of the nuns as just a natural part of life. At least life in catholic schools. It appears that some of the horrific memories are burned in my mind forever. I once went to the local convent cemetery looking for the grave of a particular nun so I could spit on her grave. Extreme, you say? Disrespectful? You should hear what she did to me. But rather than wallow in the past too much, I’d rather move on to my journey out of the Church. It was natural for catholic boys and girls to consider the religious life. I was no exception. I thought I wanted to be a Franciscan friar. Francis himself was never ordained and didn’t feel a call to the priesthood. As a senior in high school, the Holy Cross brothers of Notre Dame came to the house one day and actively recruited me. But if I was going in, it was going to be the Franciscans. My high school guidance counselor (a nun) was setting up an after-graduation summer live-in with the local Franciscan Conventuals, who would help me arrange to enter the Order of Friars Minor brotherhood in Cincinnati the following September. Then, overnight, something changed. I went to the guidance counselor and told her to forget it with no explanation. Was I going to tell her that I was realizing that the attraction I was feeling for men was not ever going to subside? Not on your life. I already knew the scoop. It was a mental disorder (this was the early 70’s). It was a natural inclination to sin. It was disgusting, sick, and an abomination to God. I would not be worthy to wear the same habit Francis of Assisi wore.
With some fortuitous, non-Catholic counseling, I escaped Owensboro two years after high school graduation. After some moving around, getting used to being on my own and making my own decisions, I flippantly stopped going to mass and landed in Denver, Colorado, living the life of an ordinary, working, young gay man, going to bars, making friends and “tricking” every chance I got. One of those “tricks”, a one-night stand, left a notebook in my apartment. It had one written page in it. It was an essay of sorts. It spoke of an experience where he was deserted by two friends in Santa Monica. He went on to say that if we are all one, one cannot be deserted. It’s not possible to conceive. That in Truth, oneness is not dividable, etc. etc. It sounded like a bit of jibber jabber at the time, but it stirred my curiosity. Where did these ideas come from? Bit by bit I did research, and through friends, and even other “tricks” these esoteric ideas started coming out in conversations. I found out that there were entire religions that espoused these kinds of beliefs and thinking, such as Buddhism, Hinduism, Gnosticism, and the new age religions such as Science of Mind, Unitarian, and Christian Science. My own unique, personal, spiritual journey to God had begun and it started with a “trick” whose left-behind notebook became the first volume of my spiritual journal.
Three cities and two states later, I am now on volume four. Most of my immediate family remained faithful Catholics, so I keep up on the evolution, or lack thereof, in the church. Not only has there been very little change in the last 48 years, but in many respects, it’s gone backwards from the visions of Vatican Council II. The current Pope seems ready to open that window again and let the fresh air in, but the collective body of bishops is still very conservative. Mandatory celibacy for priests, a male-only priesthood, prohibited divorce, forbidden same-sex marriage, and a tenacious condemnation of a woman’s right to choose birth control are just some of the abuses the church still imposes on its members. I call these abuses because they are devoid of any loving consideration that changing these policies just might save a person from a life of misery, loneliness or in many cases, worse.
In my journey to God, I also found Jesus who I call by his Aramaic name, Eshoo. The flesh and blood man who did not judge or condemn, except for the hypocritical religious and political leaders of his day. He hung out with the common folks. The rubble. The sinners. The marginalized. The prostitutes. The tax collectors. The poor. The homosexuals. He said God is in us and we are gods. His message and teachings were about love, peace, and non-violence. And then, of course, they killed him. After I left the church, I wondered about how I could’ve done it so suddenly, dismissively and callously.
The answer was and is, it just wasn’t spiritually fulfilling enough to hold me. It kept God someplace out there where I had to search, pray, and beg for any communication or answer to a prayer. Usually the answer was no, or no answer at all. I haven’t become a guru, a mystic, or a sage. I have had many a dark night of the soul, dark nights of doubt, confusion, and frustration. I have angrily cursed and denied God. But I have always come back to the realization, that the God I cursed and denied was not real. He was the one I thought was out there someplace. The true God is what Eshoo called the realm of God that is within. Every time we say “I Am” we speak God’s name. Every time you speak your name, you speak God’s name. Truth is what God is. Here is where God is. I Am who God is. Love is what God does. I thank God for the many revelations I have received during my numerous and continuing trips around the sun. And I also thank God for sending me that “trick”.
Thank you, Larry for that most fascinating essay, a brief overview of your spiritual journey to God. I love hearing how people find their way to a real experience of the ineffable, what we often call God.
