Love. There’s a word that’s used a lot. Thrown around a lot. Casually and very seriously. “I love this!, I Love that! Love’s what makes the world go round,” etc., etc., etc. Yeah, we use the word love a lot, don’t we? Everyone desires love in their life. They say it gives life meaning. Even with the psychologically unbalanced, with the hardened criminals, all the misfits in life, the psychological experts would agree. The lack of love in their lives is part of their problem. It seems that love is required to have a real, meaningful and satisfying life.
Having gone through a lot in life, I would have to agree that one thing that is required to fully live, is love. In fact, at this stage of life, I would go so far as to say it is really everything. That may sound extreme, may sound very “new age.” But after living a long life, I would stick with my statement that love is everything. After studying a lot about religions, about philosophy, about life, psychology and evil or the dark side of life, it seems the only thing that really matters is, “have we loved? Really loved? Has our life been about love?
I am of the belief that love is Divine. True love is beyond us. It is from another realm. It is not part of the ego. It is, well, like, “magical.” The apostle Paul wrote the famous chapter on love in the New Testament which I think sums it up very well. Says it all, I think.
At this point in life, I am totally committed to living a life of love. I’ve lived other types of life. I’ve lived a life of turmoil. I’ve lived a life of confusion, bitterness, hate, resentment, revenge. Like most people, I’ve “acted out” at times in life. I’ve reacted to manipulations and abuse in so many ways. I feel “I’ve done it all.” From here on out, just give me love or forget it. No more crap. If you are not going to relate to me in a loving way, well, be on your way. Have a good life. Just stay out of mine. I do not accept the unloving stuff in my environment any more. Period. This past four-year period of the political situation this country has been in has had its affect on me. I’ve seen so much unloving action and expression that it has changed me. I cannot respect people I have previously had respect for. Some were close people. Does not matter. When I see the hate, the false accusations and slander, I’m done. Now the biblical passage of Jesus telling his disciples to “shake the dust off of your feet and leave the unaccepting people and move on” makes sense, takes on a whole new meaning for me.
So, I will only live in love from here on out. Decision made. But what does that entail? That question brings me to the second part of my essay. I strongly believe that to love with true, real love, one must go through a process of surrender. Yes, I know that word has bad connotations in this world and society. Surrender. Usually means, to people, to give up, give in, lose, be a loser, etc., etc. And some of that is true. But I think we need to re-define the word.
If you are truly going to love, I say some surrender is necessary. One must surrender some (I’m saying some, not all) of the ego. Some of our strongly held beliefs, feelings and opinions. If you love, you are going to be changed to some degree. An internal change and to some degree, an external change. Required, I say.
When I decided to live a life of love, I had to give up some things. When I got married, I had to surrender to the new arrangement, the new type of relationship. I even had a pastor tell me, oh, that’s dangerous. Hmmm, I thought. Wonder how his life is if he really thinks that way. I hope he was kidding, but it didn’t sound like it.
So, living a life of love and surrender. In a way that does sound like it is a way of life fraught with danger. Being a doormat, being controlled and manipulated and all that. Well, I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about being strong, assertive, solid, forceful in living in love and surrender. Not weak, cowering and subject to the jerks of this world. It’s a matter of saying, “no, I will not accept that!,” Do not talk to me like that or treat me like that. We’re done here.
Yeah, these last few years have really had an impact on my life. Forced me to face what I will accept in my life now. What energies I will accept in my immediate environment. No more sh*t now. I’ve seen and experienced too much now.
Currently I am involved in a personal project, an in-depth study of philosophy. I just happened to stumble onto this project recently, and I am absolutely enthralled with the study I’m doing. Let me backtrack briefly and tell you how I got here into this unexpected place. I have a collection of some good, intelligent educational cassette tapes left over from years ago when I had my own business of selling and distributing educational and motivational tapes. I gave up the business when cassettes became outdated and CDs became the new technology. The old tapes got stored away and as I was recently decluttering my office area I came across these tapes and realized a lot of them I never actually listened to. The time came to decide, “throw then out, or listen to them and see if they are of any interest to me at this stage of my life.”
Some of the tapes I’ve converted to CDs and am currently studying. Each CD case contains four CDs..
I made the decision to listen to them, at least those that possibly interested me. I converted the tapes to CDs and began listening. For some reason I never put much effort into studying philosophy in school. I learned enough to get through college, but the bare minimum. I studied religion a lot but neglected philosophy (even though they are very interconnected and complementary in one getting a “complete” education, as I see it.
But, this blog post is not going to be about philosophy. Perhaps in a future post I will cover that subject. This post is about a life long habit I have just been thinking about recently, the habit or practice of being a “life-long learner.” At this stage of my life, I realize that habit or practice has been a great motivator and has kept me going, intellectually, and been my salvation, in a sense.
As child, somehow I got into a children’s book club that was a series of “All About” books. All about astronomy, mathematics, geography, etc. I would get a new book every month or so and I would devour it. Loved it. I loved learning new things. In a previous blog I mentioned how I was being steered to not go on to further education after high school. In fact, my thinking when I was young was, “I can’t wait to just be done with high school so I can just go get a job and live my life.” But when my high school counselor refused to let me take English literature class in high school and told me I was not “college material,” that set my mind in a new direction. I did not accept that label and eventually did get into a college and graduate school after that. I did not settle for what people thought of me, how they judged me or tried to limit me.
So, I spent my years getting my “higher education.” I loved that time. I loved college and then theological seminary (see my earlier blogs). I had my mind opened. I saw a big world out there. I traveled the world with my airline job. I developed a side business selling educational tapes for a few companies like Simon and Schuster, etc. I did listen and study the various subjects those tapes covered. (I even sold Trump tapes on how to become rich, etc., but never liked him much way back then).
When I decided it was time to realize my dream of being a pilot (a dream since about age six), I thought, well, nobody is going to help me, motivate me, guide me, so I just better get started and do some studying and pass my written exam for my private pilot license. I did just that. Found some good books, found a study guide, and on my own sat down and did some intense study. All self motivated. I went and passed my written test and then found a flight school to begin my flight training. After that, I got my commercial pilot’s license, my flight instructor’s certificate, my instrument flight instructor’s certificate and my advanced ground instructor’s certificate and did some flight instructing and commercial flying.
So, there are many instances like this where I just persisted in pushing myself in pursuit of more knowledge, or pursuing my quest of “lifelong learning.” I got my amateur radio (ham) radio license a long time ago, I used to log all my reading of books. It was an amazing list every year. In college I took a course in piano playing (I had taken lessons as a kid). I would force myself to take guest speaking gigs when offered, preaching sermons when the opportunity arose. So, even though I, like most people, experienced and fought procrastination from time to time, I always eventually pushed myself forward and learned new stuff. I’ve heard it said that our “in box” will never be empty, even at our death. I certainly believe that is true. I will never complete all the tasks I have set for myself.
So, what are the alternatives to being a lifelong learner? Well, I suppose one can just be a “drifter,” One can just drift along in life. Eat, drink and be merry, as they say. Yes, that can be a good life. Others can be more melancholy throughout their life. Living a more sad type of life. I see that as sad, but a way of life that many seem to choose or as they would see it, they are stuck with. At the opposite extreme of being a lifelong learner as I see it would be the lost individual. The person with no enjoyment in living, perhaps a gang member or a committed criminal who just has no purpose, meaning or any real motivation in life. Now, I’m not talking about a person going through a period of depression, perhaps a long and deep depression. I’m referring to a way of life. A lifelong choice.
So, lifelong learning. I see it as my salvation. I had dark periods in my early life but I propelled myself out of those prisons. Reading my previous blogs will show you that. It has been a struggle at times to make my life meaningful, give it purpose. I am now glad for those experiences. I learned my lessons and they have served me well.
A book from my library. It got me in touch with this whole subject of lifelong learning.
So, now I’m deeply involved in studying philosophers and philosophy. An area I have previously avoided in my life. It is amazing how it is opening up my eyes and thoughts to new ways of seeing things. Not that there is one philosophy, or one religion, one philosopher or guru or one way to believe (my blog, “Only One Way” goes into that way of thinking). I am on a new path in my learning adventure. I will probably purchase more university courses (CDs and DVDs) from a company I deal with. The learning will never end while I still have a breath within me. Then it’s on to learning new things, “somewhere else.”
This is a joint blog with Larry Thomson, my friend who has written two guest blogs previously. It’s a little different in that we delve into the weird side of life, the speculations on the other dimensions of life that some people, including some scientists, sense and believe in to some degree. I’m talking about things like String Theory, Black Holes, Black Energy, Etc. Quantum physics is currently exploring and investigating these realms and I must admit, it is interesting, confusing, and way beyond my comprehension. I read the books by scientists concerning these topics and my eyes glaze over as I don’t understand what I’m reading, often. Still, I do push to expand my mind to try to comprehend as much as I can. I admit, this is mysterious territory and I just can’t dismiss, categorically, all of this “woo-woo” stuff. I will now present Larry’s essay that he provided to me on this subject.
Two interesting books on “woo woo” subjects of different dimensions I’ve recently read
WHAT IF
By Larry J. Thomson
When I was a senior in high school, my friend Brian and I drove from Owensboro to Henderson in Kentucky one night for some “up-to-no-good” time. On the way home, I was showing off and driving way too fast. The faster I drove, the more Brian tensed up and squirmed. I was rather enjoying this uncharacteristic display of power. As the speedometer hit 90 mph we hit a curve in the road, I hit the brakes, and the blue ’64 Chevy station wagon, my family’s car, flipped three times, caving in the roof, demolishing the car, instantly killing Brian and myself..
This story is true except for the ending. Instead of flipping, the car did three or four whirlybird spins and stopped in the highway median, not a scratch on us and no damage to the car. Fortunately, no other cars were in sight. After the initial shock, we laughed it off and continued, under the speed limit. We were teenagers.
While the car was spinning, I went into, what seemed like another zone. I could see Brian down on the floor of the car and I felt like I had resigned all control to another power. In those moments, what if…?
What if we were in a portal to another dimension; a place where the scenario could have gone either way? What if both scenarios actually happened simultaneously; one where we survived and another where we died, and maybe even another where we were maimed or paralyzed for life? We all have those “what if” moments in our life. What if I had gotten on that plane that crashed? What if I had married my high school sweetheart? What if I had been drafted and sent to Vietnam?
There are also those bigger “what ifs” of life. What if Lee Harvey Oswald had missed? What if Hitler’s mother miscarried? What if we had contact from life on another planet? What if a person in Asia hadn’t eaten a bat?
I believe all these situations are playing out right here, right now, as well as the one situation we are focusing our awareness on – right here, right now. Metaphysics, as well as quantum physics talks about such possibilities, and experiments have been done to support the theories. Scientists believe there are at least eleven different dimensions that can be proven. I believe the number of dimensions is infinite. I believe there are as many dimensions as there are thoughts and every thought can switch us from one dimension to another. I also believe that when we dream, our soul-mind is interdimensionally traveling while our body is resting and continuing functioning as it, of itself, knows exactly how to do. Our awareness moves from our bodies and travels through what Rod Serling called the “dimension of our imagination”. There, we live other lives; with souls we don’t know in this world, with souls that we knew but have departed this world, in places from our past, places in other worlds, with beings from other worlds, etcetera, etcetera. I have realized that while I sometimes have recurring dreams, I most often am amazed at the unlimited variety of situations I experience in my dreams. Sometimes we decide to remain in one of those situations. More often we awake and our focus is back where we were before we went to sleep.
Most likely, we all give thought to those tipping points in our life and think “what if”. Personally, I could have joined the religious brotherhood, married a girlfriend named Debbie right out of high school, been drafted and sent to Vietnam (I was low on the draft list but got a 4Fclassification), stayed in Owensboro, Texas, Denver, or San Francisco instead of moving on, stayed with my lover David in Denver, OD’d on Quaaludes in San Francisco, died of AIDS in the 1980’s, not taken that permanent job with the County, and so on and so on. And if I had pushed a little harder on that gas pedal and reached 95 mph, the car could have flipped instead of spun. Knowing what I know now, all of the above would have been disastrous. But in the eternal realm of creation, all of these occurrences are playing out this very moment as well as limitless others.
Many new age authors write about “the now”, and what we experience now is depending on where we focus our awareness. It works individually as well as collectively. We may focus on the past or the future, but we’re doing it now which makes the past and future mere illusions. I’m sure a lot of folks consider all these kinds of things a lot of woo-woo. But then they will say, “God is everything, everywhere, in everyone, all the time” (time being another illusion). Jesus said, “all things are possible with God” which also means God is all possibilities; those we are focused on, and those we are not. Within the stillness of God, every potential is playing out. We have the choice of which potential to put our attention on, and sometimes we let our choice be influenced or even dictated by others with an agenda that may be altruistic, or may be selfish.God said to Moses, “tell the people I AM sent me to you”. How many times a day do we say “I am”? When we say it, are we realizing we are speaking the name of God? What follows? I am this or I am that. Are we focused or speaking vaguely? Are we controlling our focus and therefore our lives? Are we afraid of losing something or someone if we change our focus and therefore change our lives?
Ancient wisdom teaches that nothing is lost in all of Creation. Matter is simply focused energy and energy is neither created nor destroyed, but ever changing; changing based on focus. So I feel assured that whatever our focus is “mattering” at this moment, all the things we are not focused on are still happening in some dimension waiting to be focused on, or not focused on. Jesus said “in my father’s house are many mansions (dimensions)”. Then he affirmed that this is true for himself as well as everyone.
Science, religion, new age – ancient wisdom spirituality, and our own life experiences tell us in agreement; all things ARE possible; nothing is lost; and God Power is in every one of us ready to be applied to our lives and take us wherever we will to go, do whatever we will to do, and be whoever we will to be.
In conclusion (Wally)…
So, we’re really “getting out there,” aren’t we? I am pretty much in alignment with a lot of what Larry writes. I know my dream world is really wild. Have I got stories! I think a lot of us do. We often dismiss a lot of things we experience in life and the dream world that are very mystical, spectacular , unexplainable and unbelievable. I think we sometimes “drift” into other dimensions, into the “twilight zone,” you could call it. People who have had NDE’s (near death experiences) have some wild stories. there is more to life than meets the eye, as they say.
If you are a total skeptic or an unbeliever of anything but the material, physical world, well, so be it. I get it. But, someday you may just stumble into some type of contact with other dimensions and be astonished, shocked, dumbfounded. I think the perspectives Larry and I have shared here are not that uncommon in the whole scheme of life on this planet. New discoveries are being made all the time in science and physics. I say, just be open to all dimensions as you proceed on your journey. Life is an evolution and a revealing if we are awake and true to ourselves.
I had been working on two upcoming blog posts when I had an experience that caused me to put those two projects aside and consider this post as more necessary at this particular time due to current events. I delayed working on this blog until I was sure I wanted to write this post in a public forum. I feel it is time to discuss this particular childhood experience as I relate it to what is happening right now, this very week in our world, our country.
I awoke two nights ago with a very strong memory and thought on my mind. The subject was how we personally handle a mental problem, an unstable person, an insane person. Yes, I know insanity is a “legal” term but you know what I mean, a person who we say has become “unhinged.”
I had an experience when I was probably six years old or so. An experience most people would never talk about, you know, one of those “family secrets” that we take to our graves, as thy say. I wrote out this brief essay and gave it to a few very close friends. I said, just yesterday, “this is not going to be a blog but I just want to tell you something.” Well, just twenty-four hours later, after reading my essay several times, I had a change of mind and decided I needed to say this since I have an experience that I relate to what is happening in our country right now. Embarrassed? Ashamed? No. Embarrassing your family, no. I don’t see it that way. If anyone is, that’s their problem, not mine. So following is the short essay I gave to a few very close friends:
Ok, time to say what all that’s going on is doing to me. Yeah, bringing up memories that I see parallel the current world situation.
I lived with someone who, as I see it, had three psychotic breaks as they are called (my view, I’m not a trained medical person). There were three incidents I am aware of when my mother “became unhinged.”
I was involved and present in one of those events. It is burned into my memory. It’s one of those “family secrets” that never gets talked about, never dealt with, just “forgotten,” hopefully, so life can go on. Yeah, don’t face it, don’t deal with it.
So, the one incident I was a witness to and a participant in was when I was very young, probably around six years of age or so. My mother “went crazy.” I don’t know the why or the what, I just remember my family subdued and tied my mother with rope to a chair in our dining room. My father commanded us to go through the house and collect all knives and scissors that may be lying around anywhere. We did, and secured them so they were4 out of her reach.
Someone, probably my father, called the police while we kept her tied up. Eventually the police arrived and took her away. She ended up in a psychiatric hospital/sanitarium in Glendale, not far from our house. She was there for some time and received shock treatment, which was quite a cruel experience in those days. One day we got a call that she had escaped from the facility through a window and was loose in town. Somehow, as I recall, she made it the few miles to our house in Eagle Rock. That’s my memory.
So, how does this relate to current events for me? Well, I see our president in a bad mental state. As I see it, he is “unhinged” right now. He is crazy and out of control. He has a lot of power, he has the nuclear codes, the military at his command, etc. Similar to my mother having access to knives and sharp objects, etc. lying around the house. Yes, a crazy person in a crazy state of mind and the number one priority in that emergency situation is to subdue the person and protect ourselves, whatever it takes. Yes, even with a person one loves very deeply, one’s own mother. Protection is number one!
There. That’s my story. That’s the experience I had as a young kid. Trauma, yes. A memory forever burned in one’s memory, yes. This memory was deeply hidden in my unconscious mind but surfaced in the middle of the night due to our situation of us (this country) having a president that is unhinged, in my opinion. Yes, you people of his base have all types of excuses of why this is not so bad a thing or how this was “set up” by the Antifa people, etc. etc. Well, I say this is a dangerous situation. An unhinged person with such great power needs to be reigned in and brought under control. Period. Whatever it takes. I had to do it with a family member. A loved one. We do what we have to do for the safety of all.
My mother had two other major incidents similar to this. My purpose in discussing this should be obvious. So this memory is now out there and you know why I think dangerous people must be subdued and controlled, no matter who the person is or what the situation is.
Watching an old rerun of “The Golden Girls on TV recently, the character Sophia used the phrase “within spitting distance of St. Peter” when referring to her age. So, here we are people in my age group, in this strange land of being near enough to the end of our life that we can almost taste it, see it, feel it, sense it, have an intuitive knowing that we are “close.” We can deny it but it’s there, none-the-less. We know our time is limited in a way we never felt before. A certainty. The evidence is all around us. I have outlived so many of my friends, as I have discussed in previous blogs. No way around it, “spitting distance.”
So, I have decided to delve into this area. I realize this is a topic most people prefer to avoid, in fact, most people do all they can to avoid. But as Tolstoy said, “If a man has learnt to think, no matter what he may think about, he is always thinking of his own death.” Hmmmm. I am not confining my essay to death, but rather this whole period of life where we realize that our own time is more limited than ever before. We always thought in terms of having decades and decades of life ahead of us, exciting and greatly anticipated life ahead of us, but one day we realize we are at what the world calls “old age” and we can tell, in various ways, that the “end is in sight.”
So, here we are. We have lived a great deal of our life. Has it been a good life? A so-so life? A miserable life, painful, sad, perhaps mostly unhappy life? I can only speak for my life. It has been a good life. but, as I have explained in my blog posts, there certainly were dark periods, difficult times in many different ways, but navigating my way through those times, my life has turned out to be a great life. I thank God for that.
So, this final period, what do we do? We know what’s coming. I personally have watched so many, (most, in fact) of my friends and co-workers pass on to the next world, whatever that is. I always am relieved it is them and not me, of course. Don’t we all think that way? Yet, we realize that our day is coming and it could be any time. Any time. Any day. Wow, are there things I have put off in life, unrealized dreams and desires and tasks? Relationships to be healed or completed or released?
Well, for me those areas are pretty clean and in order. No real problems in unrealized dreams. I have had a great time on this earth. Stumbled here and there at times as I said, but a great life was the result. Am I ready to go? Not really. I feel there is more to do. But at the same time I do live my life as if this may be my last day (my tagline on my Facebook page currently). I really do live that way every day, so in a sense I am ready but I am still very busy with my various projects and living a full life.
Many people I know seem to have a less happy life. As the seventeenth-century divine Thomas Fuller said, We are born crying, live complaining, and die disappointed.” Philosophers and moral essayists, tragic dramatists and unhappy poets all agree about this. So sad. So unnecessary, as I see it. Yes, there certainly are tragic lives, sad lives, and I have compassion for those lives. But so often the amount of misery is compounded by wrong thinking, wrong living, ignorance and stupidity, etc. Good and bad things happen to everybody at various times. How we handle those times, how we handle our thoughts and actions and whether we have a faith and spiritual presence in our life can make dramatic differences among us.
So, some people do keep busy right up to the end of life. I’m thinking of Alex Trebek, who worked right up to the end of his life doing what he enjoyed; he never took a “retirement.” And that is good for a lot of people. Great, keep doing what you love. For me, I’m keeping busy ((very busy), but not doing work I spent thirty-three years doing, working for a corporation. I desired a retirement and I made that decision when I was burning out. I feel that I made the right decision, for me. So, we are all individuals when deciding how to live out this last portion of our lives. I certainly do not believe there is only one way to do it. For me, retirement is the greatest experience. I’m doing things I’ve put off and discovered I want to do now. I am currently in the midst of studying philosophy and philosophers, a subject I pretty much avoided in my college years and now have a deep interest in, perhaps because of this final period I am in. Also, this is a period of some great travel experiences. I have always enjoyed travel (hence, my working in the airline industry), but now we are really enjoying the freedom of traveling a lot.
So, for me this is an exciting time. Doing interesting things. Including doing my hiking exercise, sometimes in the graveyard these days. I’m finding these hikes to be great times of deep contemplation as I wander among “the dead.” Lots of thinking about this “final period” of life. Together with my study of philosophy and religion, life is becoming more interesting, even if the real answers to the questions of life are always an elusive mystery. The journey is interesting, that’s for sure.
So, yes, I may be within spitting distance of St. Peter, but I’m not wasting this time being morose and fearing the end. Well, maybe we all fear death in a sense, but I do believe we can diminish that fear and be more accepting of all of life, including its end. We do have a choice how we want our life to conclude. At least we can be mentally, emotionally, and spiritually prepared to a great degree if we work at it. If we never deal with it, well, then it will “just happen.” I have had two what I will call DPEs in my life. What is a DPE you ask? Well, you’ve probably heard of NDEs, “near death experiences.” And you may have heard of SDEs, “shared death experiences,” where a person shares the dying experience along with the person dying, being a companion during the person’s transition to the next world. Well, I’ve invented the term DPE to describe the “death preview experience,” of which I’ve had two in my life. Very vivid experiences.
Hiking in the graveyard. Good exercise and good times of contemplation on life and the meaning of it all.
I touched briefly on, in a previous blog, my experiencing of “going to God,” or a type of “death preview” I had as a young child. I was going under the ether to have surgery to have my tonsils removed. When I went under the ether I had a strange experience that I can recall today exactly as it was sixty-some years ago. I felt I was going to God. Hard to put into words, but a very vivid experience. And then, in middle age, I had a drug-induced experience of going through the death experience. It was very real. I knew it was a preview of what dying was going to be like. A letting go of everything in life. I mean everything, it was a very real experience. Again, hard to put into words, but so real, I remember it exactly. All the feelings and the absolute release of all of life. The dying experience. Today, I realize I was given that experience for some purpose, a preparation for what someday it would be like.
I had one other strange experience burned into my memory. I was driving a car (not my own) , in the 1960’s, I was alone and traveling very fast, perhaps eighty miles an hour or so. Suddenly I lost control somehow and went off the side of the road and down a slope into a ditch. I was sure that this was it, I was going to die, there was no way to get out of this situation. But, somehow I got the car out of the ditch traveling at that high speed and got back up the embankment and onto the road. Finally, I stopped to inspect the car, sure there had to be some damage from all of this. But, miraculously, no damage, not a scratch.
So, I find the stories of NDEs I’ve read to be fascinating. And the stories of the SDEs I’ve read also fascinating. And these three experiences of “dying” or previewing the dying experience of my own, well, what can I say, they were life-changing.
Looking back on my life, I see that so much of life has been BS. We waste so much life being controlled and manipulated, coerced and sometimes abused by others. What really matters in life? Isn’t that the question of all philosophers, all philosophies, all religions? People get yanked around by their jobs, their bosses, their relationships and friendships, by society, by our culture. People give up their freedom and join groups, religions, cults, etc. Why? Why give up your God-given freedom? Life is short. Be free. That’s what I have come to see in this last portion of life, in my evaluation of it all, of life on this planet. That is what I have come to understand at this time of my life. This is the good life… freedom.
“Old age is the most unexpected of all the things that happen to a man”- Leon Tolstoy.
“Everybody has got to die, but I always believed an exception would be made in my case. Now what” – William Saroyan (on his deathbed)
“The cradle rocks above an abyss, and common sense tells us that our existence is but a brief crack of light between two eternities of darkness” – Vladimir Nabokov
“Tell them I have led a happy life!” – Ludwig Wittgenstein (last words)
May my last words be like Ludwig Wittgenstein’s. I’ve stayed on my path and am having a wonderful life.
If you live long enough, manage your life fairly well (including your finances), and have the desire, you get to move on to a life of retirement dreams and hopes. When I was in the middle of my working life, the life expectancy of someone retiring was around three years. Not a great thing to look forward to, working hard your whole life and then just having three years free from work to enjoy retirement life and then death. Fortunately, today the prospects are much better. Life in the retirement phase is now much longer for most people. I am glad for that improvement.
I took retirement in my fifties, earlier than the norm for most people. I was burned out and was ready to be free from the usual working life. I was thrilled to retire. I had a fun career and enjoyed many benefits of working in the airline industry, but the last few years were a turnaround to where the job was no fun anymore and a great stress for me. So, time for retirement, freedom from going to work every day. Time to work on things I want to work on, and do whatever comes my way and interests me.
I was ready for retirement. I realize others are not ready for retirement or not prepared for being free of the working life. Some have made no preparation for the transition or even thought much about this big change in life. No matter how ready or not ready we are, it is a period of adjustment. I would say, for me, it took probably a year to feel really comfortable in the new environment. Several friends I know did volunteer work to help make the transition. I can understand that, but for me, that was not my path. I really loved not having to work every day. A few years after retiring, I did take on one post-retirement job, just for fun. It was a very unique type of job, one where I got to set my own hours and work days, only working when I wanted to. I was a “mystery shopper” for Safeway stores. I would go grocery shopping and write up reports of my shopping experience, noting employees that were doing their jobs in a commendable manner and those that were not functioning at their best in their “customer service” capacity. I also had to cause employees to go out of their way to handle certain situations, see if they would help me, etc. I got to experience this experience from the other perspective when I was an airline employee and we had encounters with “secret passengers” that would fly around the country and write up reports on the employees they encountered and rated how well they did their jobs. So now I have had experiences on both sides of this issue.
So, being retired and being done with the work-a-day world, that was my choice (except for the brief job with Safeway). Now what? Well, I have a very curious mind and always seem to have projects to work on . I do not sit around and get bored. Fortunately, I have a great home environment and marriage, so no stress, really in my personal life (unlike earlier periods in my life). We were now free to travel as much as we wanted and enjoy my airline travel benefits. We acquired a good timeshare system which had many timeshare locations that we loved visiting. Life was good! Life is good! Due to the current virus situation, we have had to modify our travels to do car trips instead of air trips and train trips. We, of course, are hoping that some kind of a normal life returns during our lifetime.
Speaking of our lifetime, that’s a subject that seems to surface a lot for me during these retirement years. This period of time being the last third of life, there’s a real awareness that the end is coming. A lot of time may be remaining, or maybe not. Who knows? The way I look at this situation is I figure that I may have twenty minutes remaining to my life, or perhaps twenty years. Who knows? Twenty minutes or twenty years. Hmmm, heavy thoughts to consider.
My cemetery hikes and contemplations
So, I work at keeping my body in decent shape by walking and hiking almost daily. One of the places I often do my hikes is the graveyard nearby that is nice and hilly. I get some exercise and I get to reflect on the deep issues of life and death. I mentioned in an earlier blog that in college I would climb the hill near my college and walk through the cemetery and contemplate life and what my life was going to be after I finished my education. So, cemetery contemplations is not a new practice for me. It’s just been a long time since I have done those practices. And my graveyard contemplations now are not about what my life is going to be, but now what my final period of my life is going to be about and reflections on what my life has been so far. The joys and adventures and loves I have had, and what it all means. Life is so short when you think about it, but that’s the way it is, isn’t it?
So, before you know it, you have aged. You have gone through the different phases or passages of life. You have survived a lot. Hopefully, you have achieved a lot and lived a lot and loved a lot. Or, maybe life has been a little less successful. Or even miserable and unhappy, perhaps. That can be sad, very sad. I think about these things in my graveyard wanderings these days. Look at all these graves, all these people who were alive for however long they had on this earth and did whatever they did. What kind of lives did they live? A million thoughts flood my mind as I study the gravestones. Who were these people? What would they tell me if they could? They were so alive, but now, they’re gone.
I have come to realize now that so much of life has been malarky. So much energy was wasted in life on such unimportant things. All the struggles and worrying and fighting and wasted life. For what? What is really important in life? I wish that I had more focus and intension and clarity in my earlier years. But, you know what? Life works out the way it works out. We learn our lessons, eventually. It just often takes a lot of time and energy that we could have avoided wasting.
So, I find that retirement is a time to try and do new things. Not a time to give up. Not a time to be bored. Not a time to be lonely. It is time to do those things you have put off during your working years. It is time to reflect of your life and appreciate the journey you’ve been on. Hopefully you appreciate your journey. It would be sad if you don’t. We all have our own paths and I’m very grateful for my path. It has been good. I have been given a long life. Many of my friends cannot say that as I have outlived so many of my friends. It has been a good life. I have been given time to reflect and appreciate it all.
It may seem strange for me to combine my experiences with mental illness and my experiences with cults in one essay. What’s the connection, you may say? Well, I’ll tell you how I see these two subjects and how they may be related, in my view. I am not talking from a professional or medical viewpoint, just a personal observation.
I’ve lived closely with two people who had mental problems. The first one was my mother. Yeah, my mother. When I was very young, her father died, and from what I gathered from my family members, she went off the deep end, as they say, and was never the same, normal person she was previously. As you can imagine, that had a major effect on me, having a mother who was a bit unstable and never knowing when she would “act crazy.” Yes, I knew she loved me, but how was I to understand her strange behavior at unpredictable times. I don’t feel like getting in specific situations, but believe me, some incidents were very shocking, unpleasant, and horrendous. Those years living in that situation affected my childhood and contributed to what I would consider my very dark, depressed time in my life. I was deeply depressed for years.
In preparation for this essay, I did a brief study of depression and I was amazed to find out some facts regarding the condition. I discovered that of all people who experience depressed times in their lives, about 50% of those people only have one episode of serious depression and never have a recurrence. The other 50% have a lifelong experience of depression, perhaps an on-and-off encounter with depressed periods or a continuous depressed state. I was glad to discover this, as I am in that 50% that just have a “once in a lifetime” encounter with that “darkness.” My depression lasted from my childhood through my teenage years, until I left home at age 18. I broke free from the darkness, never to return to it.
I do realize that that curse is always around, around the corner, perhaps, in the shadows, always ready to come and take me over, but I have through many long years of hard work managed to keep it at bay. I have developed new perspectives and experienced spiritual renewal on an ever evolving upward spiral, thank God.
Now, I did have another close, intimate experience with a person with what I would consider serious mental problems. Someone I lived closely with for years. He was an extreme narcissist, a constantly pot smoking, controlling, manipulative, “gaslighting” type of person. All the characteristics I see in a popular politician today. My friends also noticed the strange actions and behaviors of this person, which helped verify for me that I was seeing things accurately.
So, just like with my mother and my family, I eventually left this person and experienced a wonderful sense of breaking free of a psychological darkness and prison of sorts. I was never to become entangled in such drama again, at least in a personal way with any friends or intimates. I chose my friends and intimates very carefully after that.
Now, in regard to my experiences with cults. I see similarities with cults, people deeply involved with cults, and the people in my life who seemed to be a bit unstable in their mental thinking and behaviors. I’m certainly not saying everyone involved in groups that may be considered cults is mentally ill or anything like that, but I have found that people deeply involved in cult-like groups and leaders of these groups often are, well, not “normal.”
I was in a group of religious friends that followed certain “spiritual” leaders in an almost cult-like manner, which made me somewhat uncomfortable, but it was not really serious enough to be overly concerned. Later I did become involved in a rather popular “human potential movement” that was all the rage in the 1970’s. My close friend that I mentioned earlier (the druggie, narcissist) was getting heavily involved in the group and of course was manipulating me into getting deeply involved, also. I was involved for a while, but eventually I realized I had to leave the organization.
I was involved in the courses, the trainings, etc., but the time came for me to leave. I was becoming aware that things were not “right,” I had that uncomfortable feeling that I needed to exit the movement. One day I was on the phone with someone from the organization trying to get me involved in a course or something and I informed him that I was done with the organization.
Well, that did it. He lashed out at me and told me off, put me down, and told me that it was going to cost me my life if I left. He told me that I was “out of integrity” by leaving the “truth” of the movement. He said I would be in a car and would have a fatal accident, or I would board a plane and it would crash. The universe will get you, he was telling me. Wow, I thought they were cultish, but this was unbelievable. If I leave, I will die, I’m being told.
That was enough for me. Enough for being around mentally weird, mentally off or ill people and groups. Enough! I had to get out of these situations and become aware of such people and groups so that I lived a good, psychologically healthy life from here on out. I realized that I cannot be around these situations at all. I need to protect myself, set my boundaries, be strong and stand up to such abuse.
So those were my experiences with people and organizations that are not “normal,” a bit “off,” or even very much outside healthy and normal. My life improved immensely since then. No more mental sickness or depression episodes. I survived, I moved on and thrived!
I’m a child of the 1960’s. Yep, graduated elementary school in 1960, high school in 1966 and college in 1971. Couldn’t be more a “child of the 60’s’ than that. My youth was right in the middle of the chaos of just about everything, or so it seemed.
The assassinations of President Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Jr., Robert Kennedy, Malcom X, the Vietnam War, the Kent State killings of college students. What a time to grow up. Also, the drug scene, Woodstock, LSD, Free Love, The Woman’s Movement, Gay Rights, etc., etc. Talk about overload! Not a dull or peaceful moment. So, the phrase, sex, drugs, rock and roll may be a good phrase to describe the time (well, a friend said maybe disco instead of rock and roll).
And there I was, deciding to go to college and prepare for life, adult life. I remember reading a book years ago that said that the 1960’s just had to happen, as the world demanded a shift or a dealing with a lot of problems that were percolating in our society. I understand that viewpoint. Our parents didn’t see things that way, they were for the status quo. Just do what you’re told, behave. Well, that was not going to happen.
My college buddies in my dorm, just goofing around.
So, what am I to do? Lots of peer pressure to rebel and go wild and do everything. Be a hippie, a druggie, etc. Seeing some things going on now, it reminds me of those days of long ago. Demonstrations because of injustice, occasional violence. Everyone seeming to become irrational and taking strong, rigid positions on everything that’s happening. No middle ground, no seeing two sides of an issue. Horrendous name calling and shaming and hatred. Gee, been here before, it seems.
So, after having been through my own dark periods as a teenager, I finally decide to go away to college which I’ve discussed earlier in my blogs. Here I am in college trying to get a good education and a grounding of sorts to be ready to join society and have a family and career. And every day brings a new bombshell.
One big event happening then was the Vietnam War. I was in high school when I became aware of the conflict our country was in. In my photography class, my teacher had just returned from Vietnam on a photo mission of some sort and was all jazzed about his pictures shot in the war zone. He was full of excitement about the photos he had taken and proudly showed them to our class. I was a bit disgusted. Here’s this war going on and it’s not really making the news, so our country doesn’t even know what’s happening. And my teacher is excited and saying, “it’s no big deal, only 600 American soldiers and staff have been killed in this conflict.” Wow, I thought, what a way to view the situation. I was disgusted, as I said. My best friend was also in the photo class and he was totally unaware of the conflict going on in Asia. I expressed my disgust to him and he seemed surprised that I was so upset over all of this.
My first roommate in college, a good friend from high school and church.
So, fast forward to my college days. The war is big time, now, and there are many more deaths. I know of high school friends going to war and not returning home. Protests are occurring all over the place. I lose my college deferment because my draft board sees that I am a bit behind in my college education, having lost some credits when I transferred colleges from a junior college.
What to do? I am forced to take my draft physical. I am faced with possibly being forced to go fight a war I don’t believe in and be ready to give up my life because those in power say so. Kill and possibly be killed. I had never faced that dilemma before. I had to think this over very seriously.
The argument that communism would take over the world if we didn’t help the French fight the North Vietnamese was not logical, I reasoned. This was an unwinnable war as the government later admitted. So I took my stand, and I received a lot of hate from people. Even years later my boss at work warned me when we were talking about things that he had better never hear that I was anything but pro Vietnam War or I would pay dearly at my job with the airlines. Wow, threatening me over what I may have believed years ago about the war. Something totally irrelevant to me doing my job decades later. Wow.
Long story short, I did not get drafted (there’s a story there how I flunked my physical, but I did not claim “bone spurs.” Maybe in a future blog). But I learned a lot about life and how friends and family will turn on you if you don’t agree with them, if you think for yourself and stand up for your beliefs.
We had all the assassinations in those years, and the Civil Rights Act of 1964, the Kent State killings of college students. Except for the Civil Rights Act, mostly a very dark and sad period. That time formed my philosophical stance and my religious/spiritual feelings that would grow over time to where I am now. So, am I intimidated now when people are upset with me for my free thinking mindset, even angry and hateful towards me? No way! I survived hell in my growing up years. No one knows what I personally went through at that time. I had to face all these situations alone.
Closest thing to a “love in” in my dorm. Lying on each other’s stomachs and someone starts laughing and passes it on till everyone is giggling.
Oh, yeah, as for the sex and drugs of that era. Well, this is not going to be a tell-all revelation of my personal life. Let me just say that I was not into the drug culture, although I did a little experimentation. Not for me. Some wonderful experiences and some rather bad experiences. And sex, yes there were “love-ins” all over the place but not my thing, although I was not a celibate priest either. The gay liberation movement was also occurring at the time, but I was so “in the closet” then that I was not aware of where I was on that question at all. So, a very complex, chaotic and confusing time to be growing up into adulthood. But that’s the way it was. That was my path. It has been a wonderful life even with all the events I’ve lived through.
My brother and father and sister came to Seattle for my graduation. Here we are (my sister taking the picture) at the top of the Space Needle.
In 1973 I began my airline career, hoping to have a good time working in aviation ( being a pilot and fascinated with the business), and traveling to interesting places and seeing the world. That was my dream, my intention, my plan. If I stayed with my airline and reached retirement, I would get some good travel benefits, according to my employee handbook.
The airline business was very uncertain, very insecure. There were always strikes, layoffs, pay cuts, etc. You couldn’t plan on any security, I quickly learned. After six months employment, my first layoff occurred. I was eligible for recall to my position when things improved in the business, but for now I was out of work. Out of work with no idea when I would be reinstated to continue my employment. Fortunately, I had just completed six months employment when this occurred and at six months employment one becomes eligible for free travel passes on the airline. I could now do some of my much-desired travel.
I had developed a friendship of sorts with another employee who also got furloughed from his job at the same time (we had started together in mid 1973). One day he asked me if I would be interested in traveling with him. He was thinking of traveling around the world since our airline was one of the two U.S. airlines that had “around-the-world” routes at the time. Wow, I thought, spending my layoff circling the globe on my first airline pass. What a fantastic opportunity that would be!
It didn’t take long for me to make a decision. It was that time in life when good opportunities came my way and I grabbed them. Let the good times roll! I went to a local ticket office of my airline and got my free ticket. Well, there was a “service charge” of $57 for the round-the -world ticket. What a deal. Actually, I choose to sweeten the deal by paying an upgrade service fee of an additional $57 for first class for the entire trip, if it was available. All the travel was on a space-available or standby basis, no reservations permitted. I was young and adventurous, so that was no big deal for me.
First class cabin all the way except the Tel Aviv to Bombay, India overnight flight.
After acquiring a passport and the necessary visas for certain countries and inoculations for certain countries, I was set. We set off for our big adventure. Our plan was to go west from Los Angeles, but when we could not get on a flight to Hawaii because of full flights, we quickly changed our plans and headed east. We headed to New York and to our first stop at Lisbon, Portugal. What I remember that first night in Lisbon, our first night in a foreign country was one our our differences. I was open to trying foreign foods, my companion was not. He wanted hamburgers and all the usual American foods. Well, that’s interesting, I thought. Here we are traveling around the world and he is not open to trying foreign foods.
The next stop was Madrid, Spain. The dictator Franco was the ruler then. I remember enjoying Madrid. It was an adjustment eating dinner or the evening meal late at night as is the European custom.
Rome, of course; the Colosseum.
Next on our itinerary were Rome and Greece. I quickly learned my traveling companion was a “lady’s man,” if you get my drift. He found a “girlfriend” in every port (as they say). When he realized that I did not have the same obsession, or interest, we had a little talk. It was time I explained myself. I disclosed that I was gay and that really blew his mind. He really had no comprehension of this fact, I think. He was a “born again” Christian and really came down on me for being a “sinner,” and really preached to me about all of this. Hmmmm, I thought, interesting.
The rest of the trip always had this tension present. We seemed to always be surrounded by whores wherever we went, which was really what he wanted. That was just the way it was. Like I said, interesting.
I enjoyed seeing the historical sights in Rome, Greece, then Israel. History classes suddenly came alive for me, it was all right in front of me. With my theological background I found Israel fascinating beyond words. The big change came when we went from Israel to Bombay, India (now renamed Mumbai). The poverty in India was something else. I had never seen such a sight, with beggars everywhere just hanging on you wherever you went. And the stench of the city was overwhelming, something I’ll never forget. On top of that, I picked up what I think was dysentery, which stayed with me long after we completed the trip. That experience caused my to just want to hurry up and get home. But here we were, halfway around the world. We had half the globe to cover before we’d be home. We did visit a national park and some caves and sights in India and then on to Bangkok, Thailand. An interesting culture. What stands out for me in my memory were the public toilets in Thailand. Just holes in the ground, period, just holes. I had never experienced that before. Not like outhouses in the states, just holes for squatting.
On a river cruise in Bangkok, Thailand.On a beach near Bombay, India. The woman in front of me was our tour guide.
Then on to Hong Kong (it was British then). and Taiwan. A brief stop in Okinawa and Guam and then on to Hawaii and home. Whew! That was a lot of traveling and sights to see in a three week period. The the discomfort of dysentery for the last portion of the trip.
A lot was learned during this adventure. Many different cultures, different currencies, and sights I’ve only studied about in school. The travel was all first class except the Tel Aviv, Israel to Bombay, India overnight flight. I did run into suspicion with the customs officials upon entering the country in Hawaii. They had a hard time understanding why a twenty-five-year-old would circle the globe in three weeks. They searched me very thoroughly, I mean thoroughly, for drugs. Finally I was cleared to enter back into the U.S. The big adventure was over.
So, this was an interesting and exciting time in my life, the early ’70s. Living in an Eskimo village, living and working in a national park (my previous two blogs), and now going around the world in three weeks. I’m glad I didn’t hesitate to do these things when the opportunity arose. They are great memories to have.
Just as a side note, when I went on this three week trip, my mother was very ill with cancer and I was hesitant to leave at that time as I didn’t know if she would be alive by the time I returned. After much thought and hesitation, I decided to go. I felt this was a once in a lifetime opportunity for me and I was at peace with the decision. As it turned out, she was still alive when I returned and lived several more months. Like I said, a great trip overall and great lifelong memories.
My last blog (#41) covered my summer experience living and working in a small Eskimo village in Alaska in the summer of 1971. So, come the summer of 1972, I’m having another exciting adventure living in a new, unexpected place again, the adventure of living and working in Yosemite National Park, California. Let me back up and tell you how that came about.
Overlooking Yosemite Valley
I attended grad school, a theological seminary from the fall of 1971 until the spring of 1972. Another good time in my life. lots of new activities for me, like preaching at a local hospital of my church’s denomination. Another event during the year was attending a presentation at the seminary from the head of an organization called “A Christian Ministry in the National Parks.” The man talked to us about his organization, which provided a summer program to interested seminary students to live and work and minister in the National Park system. If we were accepted into the program, we would be housed and provided a secular job in the park and also have the responsibility to assist the park’s Christian minister in providing services for the park visitors on Sundays. I had no idea National Parks had Christian ministers providing worship services on Sundays.
Well, after hearing his spiel, I thought, wow, that would be interesting, living and working in a National Park for the summer. So, of course I inquired and applied for the upcoming summer’s program with the organization. That would be a good experience to have when I returned the next fall to continue my studies, I thought.
Well, I was accepted and told to report for an orientation program coming up in Madison, Wisconsin ( the seminary I was attending was in Chicago). I was told that the way the program worked was if you were accepted. you would be assigned a National Park by the organization, you did not get to choose where you would be placed. Okay, I thought, I’ll take whatever they assign me. This will be an adventure, not knowing where I’ll be or exactly what I’ll be doing. Let’s do it!
So the school year comes to a close. By the end of my first year I had decided I needed a break from the academic life. I’d spent several years in college and grad school and was a bit tired of it all. It was just time for a break. Time to have a talk with the dean of the seminary and advise him I probably would not be returning to school in the fall.
He seemed to understand and he told be that he felt he knew me well enough to tell me, “sure, take a break, but I know you’ll be back because this place and the ministry are for you.” I was surprised to hear him say that, being so supportive of my ministerial studies. It felt good being validated like that.
But I had this summer responsibility coming up with this National Park commitment. Well, it turned out that that was no problem. I could still fulfill that commitment even if I was not planning on returning to school in the fall. Whew, I still get to have my summer adventure, I’m stoked.
So, after a drive back home from to Los Angeles from Chicago (seminary) I once again pack up my ’67 VW bug and head north to Yosemite National Park, just northeast of Fresno, California. Never been there before. There’s a lookout point after you enter the park which is a stunning view of the valley, the mountains and the cliffs. I am stunned by the natural beauty like I’ve never seen before. Wow, I’m thinking, this is my new home for the summer. I’m in heaven. I am speechless.
The first view when entering the park of Yosemite Valley.
I spend the day getting settled in. It turns out my “secular” job is to be a busboy at the Yosemite Lodge cafeteria. My ministerial job is to be a chaplain at the Yosemite Hospital. I didn’t even know they had a hospital in the park. It is there for those visitors that get injured in the park or get sick. Well, this is something new for me, but I’m game, so let’s do it. I meet the park minister and get a little bit acquainted and orientated to my surroundings. Then over to the cafeteria to meet my boss there and get my housing taken care of. I will be housed in a tent encampment for workers. I will be sharing a tent with another park worker nicknamed “Frog.” Hmmm, this is going to be interesting I’m thinking.
High above Yosemite Valley.
So, the work begins. I actually liked the busboy job. I get fed. make some money, and live in a tent. I’m cool with this. I meet some interesting people as customers at the cafeteria. I get to know one couple over a period of days and even get a job offer for when my park commitment is over. It was in the insurance business, so I was not really interested, but I did think it over a bit.
After hours were fun times. I would attend park ranger talks in the evenings, explore the valley, enjoy the beautiful falls. I would spend some evenings in the bar where I became fond of “Singapore Slings.” Good times.
The lodging arrangement was a bit of a strain for me. Turns out “Frog” was a nice guy but really into drugs. He had his group of friends over to the tent often at night and they did peyote and magic mushrooms regularly. Needless to say, I did not often get good, sound sleep because of the nightly ruckus. I was not into drugs ( although in seminary I did indulge a bit in marijuana with a couple of seminarians). So, the lodging was a bit of an uncomfortable situation, but I survived.
In the valley.
Every now and then I would visit the hospital to see if anyone there needed some assistance. Often there’d be nobody there (patients), but sometimes there would be and I would visit them. I would offer prayer if requested.
There was a church in the park, an historic church, in fact. They held Sunday services there and I sometimes attended. I was not involved in those services as my ministerial job was at the hospital as a chaplain/assistant.
Some good friends from Los Angeles came to the park for a couple of days. That was fun having them there. I even went home for a weekend once just for a break. I thought that was strange. Here I was in paradise and I had to take a break and get away to the big city. But after a couple of days in L.A. I was ready to return.
It was fun making temporary friends with the workers there. We had lots of laughs and adventures. I did have one or two guys try to hit on me but I had not come to terms with that part of my life yet. In fact, at the orientation in Wisconsin before the summer, in one of the panels we were asked how we would handle a situation if we discovered someone in our ministry group was gay and I responded with a very homophobic response about how wrong it was. People seemed a bit shocked at my response and when questioned further my response was “because the Bible condemns homosexuality.” I was a bit close-minded back then.
Oh, well, summer was coming to an end. When I called home I was shocked to hear that my mother was suddenly diagnosed with cancer so I advised my bosses that I had to terminate my summer commitment a bit early and head home. A sad way to end this adventure, but that’s the way it was. Once again, I grabbed an opportunity to have a grand adventure and I had a great time. Another once-in-a-lifetime experience on my path.
