Category: Life Stories

It may seem strange for me to combine my experiences with mental illness and my experiences with cults in one essay. What’s the connection, you may say? Well, I’ll tell you how I see these two subjects and how they may be related, in my view. I am not talking from a professional or medical viewpoint, just a personal observation.

I’ve lived closely with two people who had mental problems. The first one was my mother. Yeah, my mother. When I was very young, her father died, and from what I gathered from my family members, she went off the deep end, as they say, and was never the same, normal person she was previously. As you can imagine, that had a major effect on me, having a mother who was a bit unstable and never knowing when she would “act crazy.” Yes, I knew she loved me, but how was I to understand her strange behavior at unpredictable times. I don’t feel like getting in specific situations, but believe me, some incidents were very shocking, unpleasant, and horrendous. Those years living in that situation affected my childhood and contributed to what I would consider my very dark, depressed time in my life. I was deeply depressed for years.

In preparation for this essay, I did a brief study of depression and I was amazed to find out some facts regarding the condition. I discovered that of all people who experience depressed times in their lives, about 50% of those people only have one episode of serious depression and never have a recurrence. The other 50% have a lifelong experience of depression, perhaps an on-and-off encounter with depressed periods or a continuous depressed state. I was glad to discover this, as I am in that 50% that just have a “once in a lifetime” encounter with that “darkness.” My depression lasted from my childhood through my teenage years, until I left home at age 18. I broke free from the darkness, never to return to it.

I do realize that that curse is always around, around the corner, perhaps, in the shadows, always ready to come and take me over, but I have through many long years of hard work managed to keep it at bay. I have developed new perspectives and experienced spiritual renewal on an ever evolving upward spiral, thank God.

Now, I did have another close, intimate experience with a person with what I would consider serious mental problems. Someone I lived closely with for years. He was an extreme narcissist, a constantly pot smoking, controlling, manipulative, “gaslighting” type of person. All the characteristics I see in a popular politician today. My friends also noticed the strange actions and behaviors of this person, which helped verify for me that I was seeing things accurately.

So, just like with my mother and my family, I eventually left this person and experienced a wonderful sense of breaking free of a psychological darkness and prison of sorts. I was never to become entangled in such drama again, at least in a personal way with any friends or intimates. I chose my friends and intimates very carefully after that.

Now, in regard to my experiences with cults. I see similarities with cults, people deeply involved with cults, and the people in my life who seemed to be a bit unstable in their mental thinking and behaviors. I’m certainly not saying everyone involved in groups that may be considered cults is mentally ill or anything like that, but I have found that people deeply involved in cult-like groups and leaders of these groups often are, well, not “normal.”

I was in a group of religious friends that followed certain “spiritual” leaders in an almost cult-like manner, which made me somewhat uncomfortable, but it was not really serious enough to be overly concerned. Later I did become involved in a rather popular “human potential movement” that was all the rage in the 1970’s. My close friend that I mentioned earlier (the druggie, narcissist) was getting heavily involved in the group and of course was manipulating me into getting deeply involved, also. I was involved for a while, but eventually I realized I had to leave the organization.

I was involved in the courses, the trainings, etc., but the time came for me to leave. I was becoming aware that things were not “right,” I had that uncomfortable feeling that I needed to exit the movement. One day I was on the phone with someone from the organization trying to get me involved in a course or something and I informed him that I was done with the organization.

Well, that did it. He lashed out at me and told me off, put me down, and told me that it was going to cost me my life if I left. He told me that I was “out of integrity” by leaving the “truth” of the movement. He said I would be in a car and would have a fatal accident, or I would board a plane and it would crash. The universe will get you, he was telling me. Wow, I thought they were cultish, but this was unbelievable. If I leave, I will die, I’m being told.

That was enough for me. Enough for being around mentally weird, mentally off or ill people and groups. Enough! I had to get out of these situations and become aware of such people and groups so that I lived a good, psychologically healthy life from here on out. I realized that I cannot be around these situations at all. I need to protect myself, set my boundaries, be strong and stand up to such abuse.

So those were my experiences with people and organizations that are not “normal,” a bit “off,” or even very much outside healthy and normal. My life improved immensely since then. No more mental sickness or depression episodes. I survived, I moved on and thrived!

Wally

I’m a child of the 1960’s. Yep, graduated elementary school in 1960, high school in 1966 and college in 1971. Couldn’t be more a “child of the 60’s’ than that. My youth was right in the middle of the chaos of just about everything, or so it seemed.

The assassinations of President Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Jr., Robert Kennedy, Malcom X, the Vietnam War, the Kent State killings of college students. What a time to grow up. Also, the drug scene, Woodstock, LSD, Free Love, The Woman’s Movement, Gay Rights, etc., etc. Talk about overload! Not a dull or peaceful moment. So, the phrase, sex, drugs, rock and roll may be a good phrase to describe the time (well, a friend said maybe disco instead of rock and roll).

And there I was, deciding to go to college and prepare for life, adult life. I remember reading a book years ago that said that the 1960’s just had to happen, as the world demanded a shift or a dealing with a lot of problems that were percolating in our society. I understand that viewpoint. Our parents didn’t see things that way, they were for the status quo. Just do what you’re told, behave. Well, that was not going to happen.

So, what am I to do? Lots of peer pressure to rebel and go wild and do everything. Be a hippie, a druggie, etc. Seeing some things going on now, it reminds me of those days of long ago. Demonstrations because of injustice, occasional violence. Everyone seeming to become irrational and taking strong, rigid positions on everything that’s happening. No middle ground, no seeing two sides of an issue. Horrendous name calling and shaming and hatred. Gee, been here before, it seems.

So, after having been through my own dark periods as a teenager, I finally decide to go away to college which I’ve discussed earlier in my blogs. Here I am in college trying to get a good education and a grounding of sorts to be ready to join society and have a family and career. And every day brings a new bombshell.

One big event happening then was the Vietnam War. I was in high school when I became aware of the conflict our country was in. In my photography class, my teacher had just returned from Vietnam on a photo mission of some sort and was all jazzed about his pictures shot in the war zone. He was full of excitement about the photos he had taken and proudly showed them to our class. I was a bit disgusted. Here’s this war going on and it’s not really making the news, so our country doesn’t even know what’s happening. And my teacher is excited and saying, “it’s no big deal, only 600 American soldiers and staff have been killed in this conflict.” Wow, I thought, what a way to view the situation. I was disgusted, as I said. My best friend was also in the photo class and he was totally unaware of the conflict going on in Asia. I expressed my disgust to him and he seemed surprised that I was so upset over all of this.

So, fast forward to my college days. The war is big time, now, and there are many more deaths. I know of high school friends going to war and not returning home. Protests are occurring all over the place. I lose my college deferment because my draft board sees that I am a bit behind in my college education, having lost some credits when I transferred colleges from a junior college.

What to do? I am forced to take my draft physical. I am faced with possibly being forced to go fight a war I don’t believe in and be ready to give up my life because those in power say so. Kill and possibly be killed. I had never faced that dilemma before. I had to think this over very seriously.

The argument that communism would take over the world if we didn’t help the French fight the North Vietnamese was not logical, I reasoned. This was an unwinnable war as the government later admitted. So I took my stand, and I received a lot of hate from people. Even years later my boss at work warned me when we were talking about things that he had better never hear that I was anything but pro Vietnam War or I would pay dearly at my job with the airlines. Wow, threatening me over what I may have believed years ago about the war. Something totally irrelevant to me doing my job decades later. Wow.

Long story short, I did not get drafted (there’s a story there how I flunked my physical, but I did not claim “bone spurs.” Maybe in a future blog). But I learned a lot about life and how friends and family will turn on you if you don’t agree with them, if you think for yourself and stand up for your beliefs.

We had all the assassinations in those years, and the Civil Rights Act of 1964, the Kent State killings of college students. Except for the Civil Rights Act, mostly a very dark and sad period. That time formed my philosophical stance and my religious/spiritual feelings that would grow over time to where I am now. So, am I intimidated now when people are upset with me for my free thinking mindset, even angry and hateful towards me? No way! I survived hell in my growing up years. No one knows what I personally went through at that time. I had to face all these situations alone.

Oh, yeah, as for the sex and drugs of that era. Well, this is not going to be a tell-all revelation of my personal life. Let me just say that I was not into the drug culture, although I did a little experimentation. Not for me. Some wonderful experiences and some rather bad experiences. And sex, yes there were “love-ins” all over the place but not my thing, although I was not a celibate priest either. The gay liberation movement was also occurring at the time, but I was so “in the closet” then that I was not aware of where I was on that question at all. So, a very complex, chaotic and confusing time to be growing up into adulthood. But that’s the way it was. That was my path. It has been a wonderful life even with all the events I’ve lived through.

Wally

In 1973 I began my airline career, hoping to have a good time working in aviation ( being a pilot and fascinated with the business), and traveling to interesting places and seeing the world. That was my dream, my intention, my plan. If I stayed with my airline and reached retirement, I would get some good travel benefits, according to my employee handbook.

The airline business was very uncertain, very insecure. There were always strikes, layoffs, pay cuts, etc. You couldn’t plan on any security, I quickly learned. After six months employment, my first layoff occurred. I was eligible for recall to my position when things improved in the business, but for now I was out of work. Out of work with no idea when I would be reinstated to continue my employment. Fortunately, I had just completed six months employment when this occurred and at six months employment one becomes eligible for free travel passes on the airline. I could now do some of my much-desired travel.

I had developed a friendship of sorts with another employee who also got furloughed from his job at the same time (we had started together in mid 1973). One day he asked me if I would be interested in traveling with him. He was thinking of traveling around the world since our airline was one of the two U.S. airlines that had “around-the-world” routes at the time. Wow, I thought, spending my layoff circling the globe on my first airline pass. What a fantastic opportunity that would be!

It didn’t take long for me to make a decision. It was that time in life when good opportunities came my way and I grabbed them. Let the good times roll! I went to a local ticket office of my airline and got my free ticket. Well, there was a “service charge” of $57 for the round-the -world ticket. What a deal. Actually, I choose to sweeten the deal by paying an upgrade service fee of an additional $57 for first class for the entire trip, if it was available. All the travel was on a space-available or standby basis, no reservations permitted. I was young and adventurous, so that was no big deal for me.

After acquiring a passport and the necessary visas for certain countries and inoculations for certain countries, I was set. We set off for our big adventure. Our plan was to go west from Los Angeles, but when we could not get on a flight to Hawaii because of full flights, we quickly changed our plans and headed east. We headed to New York and to our first stop at Lisbon, Portugal. What I remember that first night in Lisbon, our first night in a foreign country was one our our differences. I was open to trying foreign foods, my companion was not. He wanted hamburgers and all the usual American foods. Well, that’s interesting, I thought. Here we are traveling around the world and he is not open to trying foreign foods.

The next stop was Madrid, Spain. The dictator Franco was the ruler then. I remember enjoying Madrid. It was an adjustment eating dinner or the evening meal late at night as is the European custom.

Next on our itinerary were Rome and Greece. I quickly learned my traveling companion was a “lady’s man,” if you get my drift. He found a “girlfriend” in every port (as they say). When he realized that I did not have the same obsession, or interest, we had a little talk. It was time I explained myself. I disclosed that I was gay and that really blew his mind. He really had no comprehension of this fact, I think. He was a “born again” Christian and really came down on me for being a “sinner,” and really preached to me about all of this. Hmmmm, I thought, interesting.

The rest of the trip always had this tension present. We seemed to always be surrounded by whores wherever we went, which was really what he wanted. That was just the way it was. Like I said, interesting.

I enjoyed seeing the historical sights in Rome, Greece, then Israel. History classes suddenly came alive for me, it was all right in front of me. With my theological background I found Israel fascinating beyond words. The big change came when we went from Israel to Bombay, India (now renamed Mumbai). The poverty in India was something else. I had never seen such a sight, with beggars everywhere just hanging on you wherever you went. And the stench of the city was overwhelming, something I’ll never forget. On top of that, I picked up what I think was dysentery, which stayed with me long after we completed the trip. That experience caused my to just want to hurry up and get home. But here we were, halfway around the world. We had half the globe to cover before we’d be home. We did visit a national park and some caves and sights in India and then on to Bangkok, Thailand. An interesting culture. What stands out for me in my memory were the public toilets in Thailand. Just holes in the ground, period, just holes. I had never experienced that before. Not like outhouses in the states, just holes for squatting.

Then on to Hong Kong (it was British then). and Taiwan. A brief stop in Okinawa and Guam and then on to Hawaii and home. Whew! That was a lot of traveling and sights to see in a three week period. The the discomfort of dysentery for the last portion of the trip.

A lot was learned during this adventure. Many different cultures, different currencies, and sights I’ve only studied about in school. The travel was all first class except the Tel Aviv, Israel to Bombay, India overnight flight. I did run into suspicion with the customs officials upon entering the country in Hawaii. They had a hard time understanding why a twenty-five-year-old would circle the globe in three weeks. They searched me very thoroughly, I mean thoroughly, for drugs. Finally I was cleared to enter back into the U.S. The big adventure was over.

So, this was an interesting and exciting time in my life, the early ’70s. Living in an Eskimo village, living and working in a national park (my previous two blogs), and now going around the world in three weeks. I’m glad I didn’t hesitate to do these things when the opportunity arose. They are great memories to have.

Just as a side note, when I went on this three week trip, my mother was very ill with cancer and I was hesitant to leave at that time as I didn’t know if she would be alive by the time I returned. After much thought and hesitation, I decided to go. I felt this was a once in a lifetime opportunity for me and I was at peace with the decision. As it turned out, she was still alive when I returned and lived several more months. Like I said, a great trip overall and great lifelong memories.

Wally

Something most people don’t know about me is that I spent time on the mission field. No, I am not a Mormon, this was not the mandatory Mormon mission field that Mormons are required to serve in. This was the evangelical Christian mission field. This was during the summer of 1971, between my college graduation and my entering theological seminary in the fall of 1971 to work towards my Masters of Divinity degree (M.Div.) and possible ordination as a minister. I volunteered to be a summer helper and worker for my friends who were missionaries in an Eskimo village in Alaska, right on the Bering Sea, just a hundred miles south of Nome, Alaska. It was one of those unique, once-in-a-lifetime experiences I’m so glad I took advantage of when the opportunity arose.

I was nearing my college graduation in Seattle and the church I was a member of sent out an appeal for volunteers to spend the coming summer in this Eskimo village, helping to build a dormitory for the mission high school. The high school was run by friends of mine and I decided that that would be an excellent way to spend my summer between schools. Construction skills were not required, just the ability and commitment to work hard and learn what needed to be done, just follow instructions from the skilled workers on the project. I applied for the position, was supported by the church, and accepted.

Wow, three months in the wilds of Alaska! I was excited. Something I’d never imagined doing, something new for this young college graduate to try out. A weird feeling came over me just imagining what may lay ahead of me.

I told my family what I was going to do. Of course they had no idea what I was talking about or why I was doing this (they were not “church people” as I disclosed in previous blogs). To them, this was just another weird thing I (the Christian/Jesus freak, in their eyes, I’m sure) was planning to do in my strange (to them) life.

So, off to Alaska. I decided to get to the village by taking Alaska Airline’s “milk run” up the coast from Seattle to Anchorage, making several stops along the way so I could get a good view of the Alaska coast and the cities and villages and glaciers. There were stops at Ketchikan, Juneau and one or two other places. It was an exciting trip seeing all this new territory.

Settling in there once we arrived in this small village, we worked every day (except Sunday) doing construction work. There was a summer volunteer crew and we got to know each other. It was a fun time. One worker went to college with Franklin Graham, Billy Graham’s son. He told us stories about what a wild kid Franklin was. Another worker became attracted to the daughter of my missionary friends. He later told me how uncomfortable he was knowing that the daughter and I were friends for years. He really had no reason to be concerned, as she and I had no romantic intensions, we were just friends. He eventually married her a couple of years later and I made a return trip to the village to attend the wedding.

We had the president of the church denomination visit the school and the missionaries. That was an exciting time for me. It was also exciting being involved in the various activities that filled our off-duty time. We were all provided with fishing licenses and often went fishing on the river. It was amazing catching the large (huge, actually) salmon without much effort. This was all new territory for me, one exciting experience after another. It was also quite an experience having sunlight twenty-four hours a day. I don’t know that I would like the winters there with twenty-four hours of darkness every day, but the summers can be handled with dark curtains in the bedroom.

The village Eskimo people were great. I enjoyed the time with them. A couple of the workers got to go to Nome, a hundred miles up the coast, to assist in teaching vacation bible school. So we were always busy doing something but we also had enough down time to enjoy the area, the Alaskan wilderness.

It was a good experience expanding my awareness of life, the world, and different cultures. We were treated very well and were really a “summer family.” I wouldn’t change that experience for anything. A great time in my life. A time to ready myself for seminary in the fall.

So, the day came for me to leave. I worked the morning of my last day, as the Alaska Airlines flight to take me to Anchorage and back to Seattle would not be there until the afternoon. I didn’t think anything of it, but Don, the missionary leader of the summer work force came to me and said how impressed he was with me for my work there, and he was especially appreciative that I worked even on my last day there. I guess he just assumed I’d not work that half a day before the plane arrived to take me away from this wonderful summer experience.

So, heading home now, the plan was to get home, load up my VW bug with all my belongings for grad school experience coming up and drive to
Chicago. My brother decided to accompany me half-way on my trip to Chicago as he had a few days off from his work. He went with me as far as Denver then flew home. I was now on my own again, heading to a new experience. It was a wonderful time. A good life.

Wally

This is a story I presented at a story-telling brunch at a church fund-raiser a while back. It was a fun time hearing people’s brief five minute life stories. This was one of those defining, life changing, transformative moments I think many of us have experienced at some time in our personal history.

It was probably 1967 and I was at a very low, depressed time in my life. I can’t remember exactly why I was so depressed, but everything was falling apart in my life, at least in my own messed-up mind. I had graduated from high school and was working at uninspiring, menial jobs. My close friends were gone away to college. I had moved away from home as I was very unhappy living at home before my graduation. One night I just decided it was time to run away from all my problems and unhappiness. I got in my 1956 Chevy (the best car I ever had), filled it with gas and headed east from Los Angeles on the I-10, which goes from Los Angeles to Jacksonville, Florida. My plan was was to keep going east until I found a new place to start a new life. I assumed I’d end up in the Midwest or somewhere on the east coast, probably. The first big city on my route was Phoenix, so I figured that would be my first stop. So on I drove, into the pitch black night in the California desert.

I had lots of time to think as the hours passed by. A lot of various thoughts. It was scary doing this, I had no idea what was ahead for me. I only knew that I had to do this. I knew, also, that this was a better plan than totally giving up and considering something more drastic. This was the best option, as I saw it.

After a few hours I realized I’d need to gas up at the Colorado River, which was coming up before too long. It was maybe 2am or so and it was pitch black with the starry desert sky overhead. I was so absorbed in thought I suddenly realized it was totally silent in the car. I decided to turn on the radio. I had been so transfixed in such deep thought, deep, depressed thought for hours I decided it was time for a break and listen to the radio.

I turned on the radio, and of course I was in the middle of nowhere, so the radio had no strong radio stations coming through, just lots of static and some very weak, distant stations. Tuning the radio, I heard a somewhat strong station and continued listening. Eventually the station identified itself as KOMO in Seattle, Washington. Wow, I thought, a very distant station but coming through as a pretty good signal. I kept listening.

As I listened, my mind kicked in and I started thinking of Seattle. I had never been to Seattle. Wondered what Seattle was like. Hmmm, Seattle, Washington. Then it hit me, right out of the blue, as they say. I had three friends attending college up there in Seattle. Three friends I had met in high school in Los Angeles. They were attending a college there in the Pacific Northwest. My mind started thinking, I have three friends in Seattle attending college. Hey, maybe I should consider going to Seattle to start my new life! Hmmm… why not? That might a better solution to my problems than just running away to who knows where. Hey, why not go to the same college that my friends were attending? I really had not thought of attending college and getting a degree. In a previous blog I mentioned how my high school counselor told me one day I was not college material and don’t even think of trying to get into a college.

So, I have friends there right now, I was thinking. I bet I could get into college if I worked at it. It just might work out. This was a spontaneous thought, or inspiration is perhaps a better way to see it. Wow, all of the sudden my whole body reacted to the thought and I felt a wonderful feeling. This could be my escape from my depressed period of my life. I suddenly snapped out of my deep state of thought and said to myself, “I’m going to do it, at least try to do it.” Time to turn around and head home and begin my new plan. Just about then I was coming up on the town of Blyth, California, at the Arizona border and the Colorado River. Time to fill up my car for the return trip to Los Angeles.

My whole life changed in that instant of listening to the car radio and imagining myself attending college in Seattle. Back home, I had a long rest from that eventful night and the next day began working on my project of getting admitted to college. I had to take the SAT test, get recommendations, one from my pastor if I was attending a church (it was a small, conservative Christian college). I did all the things I needed to do and the result was that I was finally accepted. Wow, a new adventure and life awaited me. I had no idea where this was going to lead me, but I was on board with the plan to get a college education. It was not that I had any particular feeling about having a college education, as I never even entertained the idea before, really.

The big day came when a friend took me to the airport and I boarded the plane for Seattle. I was on my way. My very early blogs pick up from this point. They cover my college years, briefly, and then my graduate school experiences in a theological seminary. Then my leaving school to get into the world again and begin job hunting, where I eventually got started in my airline career.

So, this desert experience. What a major turning point in my life story. What a story of salvation, in a sense. What would my life have been like if I had relocated to some unknown place in the country after my unplanned road trip in desperation and depression. I know now that I was being led to do the right thing, as I always have been even when I had no awareness of some sort of Divine guidance. Yes, something has kept me on the path of this wonderful life I’ve lived!

Wally