Category: Just My Thoughts on Things

Okay, I truly understand some people really, really love retirement and others do not want any part of the “retirement” stage of life. Yes, some people love working, doing what they love (the “I’ve never worked a day in my life” people). Got it. I really believe those people are serious and living their best life. Good for them. Enjoy, I say.

I, on the other hand… well… I feel like I was made for retirement. I, at least, was smart enough to realize I had to work, work hard, and for a long time and endure whatever I had to to make it to my “paradise” called retirement. And you know what, I endured a long work life and eventually the day came when I declared “I am retiring.” Hallelujah!

I wrote earlier that during college I used to take breaks and drive out to Magnolia Bluff in Seattle and just watch the Puget Sound area and ferries crossing the sound and wonder what my life was going to be about. Deep thoughts, contemplation about my future life. A good time to reflect on life.

Well, my life did turn out to be very good. A year of graduate school in theological seminary in Chicago, then a return home to California to some temporary jobs, then a beginning of my long airline career. An achievement of obtaining my commercial pilot license and flight instructor certificate. Travel around the world. Lots of good times. A little taste of the wild side of life, but very restrained as I had a strong desire to live a good, long life and not self- destruct. I saw too many people “lose it” and die early deaths. Not for me, I told myself.

So, a good work life. Great times ( with, of course, the times of crisis and problems, but overall good times). I was very pleased and happy over how it all turned out. I worked long and hard and hit the retirement stage. Life was good.

So, retirement. I had arrived. It was time to start my new life. I was ready. And off I went into this new life. Time to do the things I wanted to do. Great travel benefits to enjoy having retired from the airline industry (i.e. free travel for myself and spouse). Did a lot, saw a lot, experienced a lot. Loved a lot. A great life.

So, I have learned a lot in this stage of life. My perspectives and beliefs about this life have changed with the freedom of not having to work, not “having” to do a lot of things. I wish I had the knowledge I have now, way back when I was young, but, well, that’s not how life works. As they say, “too soon old, too late smart.” Wow, how true that is. But let me tell you what I have learned.

I have learned that I don’t give a %#$&*@ about so much that I used to care about. I now only care about the important things of life. The really important things. I only care about love, living with love in my life, not hate, anger, resentment. Not allowing hate, negativity, control, manipulation and put-downs to enter my personal environment.

I have learned that most of life is sh*t. That may sound negative, but I say that’s really the way it is, as I see it. So much of life, just crap. Most of life is crap in that you don’t know much when you are young, and you are subject to older people and their bitterness and their many psychological maladjustments, etc. And, to get through life, you have to “play the game,” the game of life. You had better be like this, you better do that, you should “blah blah blah, etc. You are influenced by whoever you are around, and we often are not around good, sound, well-grounded people. That has been my experience.

Of course there are good people out there. I hope you found some in your life here on this planet. Of course I did. Very helpful, compassionate, loving people. But. as I see it, they are few and far between. That’s been my experience. And fortunately, I found enough to make an impact for good on my life.

We have to do so much “kissing up” to people to be “successful.” Kissing butts, playing the game that has been set up. Yes, some may be very independent and strong and extremely successful. Thank God for those people. I was one of those from time to time. I somehow managed to walk the middle road and played enough of the game to get where I needed to be. I feel that “something” helped me along. For me, there’s always been that something, just as there is now in my life.

I consider that something “The Something.” Call it Spirit, the Higher Self, God if you will. There is definitely a something, as I see it. Jesus seemed to know about this something, calling it his father, God. He talked about living in the realm of this something, calling it the Kingdom of God. Okay, I won’t argue with that conception of the invisible realm that seems to surround us if we are open to it. I find that seeing things this way works for me. It really does work for me. Especially at this later stage of life. I mean, this is it. How much of life is left, really. We’ve lived a long life (if we’re lucky/fortunate), and now we contemplate it all (well, some of us anyway). What’s it all about, Alphie? Truly, what is it all about. (We have religions to give you answers to that question if you go that way. Or, perhaps you develop your own religion rather than strictly agree to and join one of the thousands of religions and belief systems in this world. Whatever. Do what you must to make sense of this mystery called life. Be open. Be open to truth, to the mystery. I am and the only way I can be at peace with it all is to live in love. Just live love. F**k the rest, I say. Have a good rest of your life. That’s where I’m at. I played the game. I survived the crap. I’ve had an ideal life, as I see it. Enjoy the bliss, I say! Amen.

Wally

Something that has always fascinated me is when I read about famous people, celebrities and the like, is what their early life was like. What they did in childhood, what their family life was like, what jobs they had in the years before breaking through to fame and fortune. Whether they became celebrities such as in the entertainment field, or world-renowned scientists, inventors or other important people, their growing up fascinates me. Causes me to think, why did they have the success they had as compared to others, the “average joes” of the world (and, perhaps what we would sometimes consider the “losers” in life).

So, I started thinking about my early life. I’ve mentioned my early life and the struggles I had, but then I began thinking about all of the work experiences I’ve had and how they helped shape me, what affect they had on me as I progressed and matured. Yes, I think each job I had before I got into my life’s career did affect me.

I’m sure I won’t remember every job I ever had, but I’ll give it a try to show how our jobs early in life do help shape the way we live and the direction we take in finding what we are here to do in life.

When I was very young, my family was into the “business,” as they called it. Hollywood, the movie business. My dad was a newspaper columnist for the Lansing State Journal newspaper in Michigan. He had moved the family to California from Michigan before my entering the scene. He wrote movie reviews for the Michigan paper and the rest of the family was involved in the movie industry. My brother and sister were “stand-ins” for child movie stars (Bobby Driscoll and Luana Pattan). My mother was an extra in movies. I was doing modeling for advertisements in magazines and newspapers. I have wondered how my life would have turned out if my family had kept me in the business, I think I let them know I was not really into that work, but I’m not sure what happened, how we got out of that line of employment. Oh, well, perhaps I could have become “somebody,” a Brad Pitt, perhaps? The possibilities boggle the mind.

In my teens I worked for my brother-in-law on their horse ranch for a summer. It was interesting. Not really my thing but interesting to see how the race horse business was run. Learned all about breeding horses. A real eye-opener, I would say. An interesting sex education of sorts.

My first job after high school was as a fry cook at a drive-in restaurant. I learned some cooking skills, which was a good thing and fun. Interesting group of people and leaned how to get along with all sorts of people. When the place closed down, my next job was with McDonalds. That was not enjoyable. They started new hires out washing dishes, pots and pans. If you stuck with it and really worked hard, you could be a cook or cashier, but I didn’t stick it out. I didn’t like how I was treated and that was one job I left with only one days’ notice.

When in college I once again got a job in the restaurant business. This time I was a cashier/food checker at a classy restaurant on Lake Union in Seattle. That was a fun time. Got to eat some great food and enjoyed my duties. It was also a beautiful setting right on the lake. Got along with the many different people i worked with.

One of the more unusual jobs I had was one summer during my college years was as a door-to-door salesman of vacuum cleaners. Yes, me, introvert that I am, a door-to-door salesman! But, can you believe it, I actually sold some vacuum cleaners, rather expensive ones in fact.

Also, during my college years I worked for a mortuary in Seattle and lived in the mortuary. I’ve written about that experience. Learned a lot about the death experience assisting with duties like cremating and embalming, etc.

In graduate school I took a job briefly working for a cleaning, janitorial service cleaning offices such as dentist and medical offices. Didn’t care for that work at all. Totally uninteresting. Decided that janitorial work was not my thing.

I worked for a couple of friends from my church. Worked in a packing company and a mass mailing company. Interesting, but again, the experience helped me decide what I did not want to spend my life doing.

Just before starting my airline career, I worked once again in the restaurant business as a cashier and food checker. It was a fun time. got to eat lots of good Mexican food. During that time, I saw an ad in the newspaper for a airport security company. This was when they were just starting to have security procedures at the airports after a series of hijackings. I figured I could possibly make contacts in that job that would land me a job in an airline. Voila, it worked. I made the right connections and got hired with an international airline.

So, those are the early jobs that come to mind before I found my “career” in aviation. Yes, lots of jumping around, doing whatever came up for employment to help pay the bills, as they say. Not all fun jobs, but all were learning experiences. All helped form my dealing with different types of people and situations. All helped show me what I did not want to spend my life doing. That background of work experience helped me sense an intuitive “click” in my life when I started my work with my airline. I knew working for an airline would be my life work and a very enjoyable career, even if it did have it’s hard and difficult times in the years to come. I was contemplating the possibly of becoming a pilot with the airline (I obtained my commercial pilot’s license at that time), but the timing for being hired for that position just did not work out. I was a couple of years out of sync for airline pilot hiring. I decided to stick with the jobs I had in the airline and just get out and travel the world.

I spent thirty-three years with the airlines. I did see the world. I would go to Europe several times a year for several years, always traveling first class. My first trip since being hired was a three-week trip around the world. What an education that was at age twenty-six!

So, we do various jobs out of necessity in our early life and hope to find the work we really want to spend our life doing. So, I understand the famous people and celebrities that had very menial jobs early in life. How they took that step to their eventual career when the opportunity occurred, I get it.

I do feel really sorry for those who never find their ‘life work.” If I had just stuck with my early jobs, well, I hate to think how my life would have turned out. I do believe that something was guiding me through the years. I got to achieve my dreams. I got to live a long life. I have no regrets or unrealized dreams. And the best part… it aint over yet! I feel there’s still a lot more to experience and enjoy. That’s a full life, as I see it.

Wally

There is a phrase that I have been thinking about recently after reading something. I don’t recall what I was reading, but that phrase hit me, and it started me thinking. I was thinking all of the sudden about my, shall I call it, difficult childhood and early life. Yeah, I had some difficulties in my childhood at home, living with my parents and my brother (my sister had married when I was very young and had left the household). I was very depressed at times. Very unhappy, very confused. I had horrible thoughts and horrible visions of what I just might do, given the chance. Thank God we did not have any guns at our house. It was a different world and people weren’t so gun-crazy like they are today.

Anyway, it was a very dark time for me. Well, long story short, as they say, here I am many, many decades later and my life has worked out just fine. As you know if you’ve read my previous blogs, I achieved my dreams. I have found the love of my life. I have found the good life. I wish I was younger so that I had more life ahead of me now that I’m in a good place. (Yes, I know, maybe I do have a lot of good times ahead of me, but I have done the math and know that exceeding normal life expectancy is pretty rare and I have watched many, many friends and relatives pass on.) But the point of this essay is that I have finally looked at my life a lot (I guess that’s what we do if we live a long life). And then it hit me. Really hit me. My parents were “good enough.”

Yes, “good enough!” I don’t think I ever thought about that in such a way. You know, so many people that have had a rough childhood just think the worst, the darkest thoughts about their family and parents. But now, looking back from my current perspective, I realize that they were good enough. They really were. They did teach me and exemplified a pretty decent life. Taught me basic values, civility, etiquette, etc. And I survived, didn’t I? Here I am. So, there is something to be said about being good enough. Oh, they had their problems. I don’t deny that. Some very serious problems at times. But they were not abusive like the stories we hear about in families these days.

So, the term, good enough. That is almost a nasty term in our society today. Today we live in a very competitive world. We are taught to achieve excellence. To settle for nothing less. Go for the win. Winner take all. Kill the competition. Don’t be “just good enough.” Good enough is for losers, etc., etc. I think you get it.

Now, I am certainly not denigrating excellence or going for a win or being the best you can be. I am certainly for all of that. But what I’m saying is that there are places in life where it is good, even great to sometimes just be good enough.

Do you have those places in your life where “good enough” was just fine? We always wish for the best, but life is what it is. Sure, go for the best. Go for excellence. But also, be willing to accept there are times and areas in life where good enough is adequate, such as in my difficult childhood period. Wishing for something different than what was really gets you nowhere and can be damaging to your psyche, as I see it.

I have a friend who is an artist, and a good one. One day I asked her if she had a dream of having her own gallery and she responded, “no, no way, I’m happy just doing what I’m doing.” I asked two lawyer friends if they felt they failed in their careers by not getting on the supreme court. Same response, no. For myself, I had a childhood dream of being an airline pilot. Well, I was a commercial pilot and worked for a company at a local airport in that capacity, but never became an airline pilot. Was I a failure? No way. timing and things did not work out for me to have that result in my career. And that’s okay.

When my high school counselor told me that there was no way I was going to go to college because I was just a “C” student, I would have preferred that she told me something like, “hey, you’re good enough to go to college if you just worked hard at preparing for that path.”

Oh, well, you get my point. there are situations in life where good enough is good enough. Don’t beat yourself up over situations like my childhood perception. Have a good life. Be happy. Be thankful that your life has been “good enough.”

Wally

Okay, for those of us who have lived a while and are getting into our later stages of life, the thought crossed my mind of what we have missed in life experiences, whether by choice or the circumstances of life. For me, the one big thing I have missed is the experience of having a family of my own, in the old classic, culturally approved manner. You know, a heterosexual marriage with children and the experiences of parenthood. I did not go down that path, and that was of my own choosing. I am not regretting that choice at all, just acknowledging that that is a life experience I did not and will not have in this life.

It would not have worked, I know. I am sure of that. I was meant to live this life I’m living now and somehow, I knew this fact, (if not consciously) for most of my life. Yes, for the first portion of my life, until my early twenties, I just assumed I’d be “normal,” get married and do the family and parent thing. Never thought of any alternative. That was destiny for everybody I thought, and I was taught that all my life. Then, when I left graduate school and had to go into the workplace, I started thinking about what I was going to do with my life. I had avoided thinking like that for some time as I was too obsessed with just getting through school. In graduate school (theological seminary), I assumed I’d graduate and start serving as a minister in a church and get married and produce a happy family. Yeah, right.

In seminary, a fellow student confronted my one day and said he suspected that I was gay. I guess the fact I was not dating or talking about women in conversations, he caught on to something. Of course, I was mad and denied any such accusations. But that confrontation did get me thinking.

I had not even thought about not doing the “normal” thing of marriage and parenthood. But now it was time to consider what my life was to be. I got my job in aviation and began my work life, but now I had to think about my personal and relationship life. It hit me that traditional marriage and parenthood was not for me. I just knew that on some level. So, I delved into my work and my other interests and put aside any serious thoughts about relationships. And that was fine. I enjoyed life, truly. I would survive, and hopefully, thrive.

Well, I did eventually get into a couple of relationships and now am very happy with the love of my life. I feel that I chose the right path for me. I am so glad I did not try to pursue the path that society said I should choose. But, like I said, I will never know what it is like to be a parent. A good thing, I’m sure. but a life experience I will miss that most people get to experience. And no legacy to leave. No line of succession, so to speak. Something missed, but for me, that’s really okay.

So, thinking along those lines, what else have I missed in this life? I have missed certain experiences that I doubt I will experience now. I have not skied, either snow skiing or water skiing. I have not skydived. I have not experienced being a soldier in a war. (Well, I would not have gone down that path with my strong antiwar beliefs.) I never became a good athlete. Yeah, I did play some sports, but never excelled in anything. I never learned to play chess. I loved playing golf as a kid (my parents were in a country club and I liked playing golf). But my enjoyment of golf was destroyed for me when my brother-in-law gave me a talk one day about how if I was ever going to be somebody in this world (this society), I had to play golf. It was mandatory in order to be a successful man in the business world. Well, that attitude just turned me off, even though I loved the sport.

Now, at this age, I really miss not having gotten to know my family better, especially my parents. I would like to know where they came from, what they went through. Why they were the way they were. I missed some serious, deep conversations with them. Fortunately, my father was a writer, and he did write an autobiography of sorts which was found after his death. Interesting, but I’d love to know a lot more.

I’ve known some friends that were in wars (WWII, Vietnam, etc.), but usually, they won’t talk about those experiences. I would really like to have deep conversations with them, but that’s not possible. Maybe that’s why I generally feel life is so much BS and we never really discuss things of great importance. So much of life is lived on such a superficial level.

So, we live life and so much of it is superficial, as I see it. We miss so much. I’m glad I missed a lot of the bad stuff of life. I did not make big mistakes, take serious wrong turns and acquire self-destructive habits and addictions. Glad about that, but I would like to have experienced a deeper experience than is normal in our short lifetime in this superficial society. Oh, well, that’s how it is.

At this point, all I can do is commit to being more honest, more real, more open to those who are willing to be open with me as we live out this portion of our lives. I just don’t have time to waste on the shallow, the superficial, the BS, the hate and bitterness of life. Life has been hard at times, but good and wonderful. It’s taken a lot of work to keep my sanity, I feel, but it is worth it. So, let’s carry on and do our best to live out our lives in peace, happiness and joy. Are you happy with your life? How do you feel about what you have missed out on in your life?

Wally