Category: Death / End of Life Matters

Posted on

Why Are We (Am I) Still Here? [ Post #109 ]

Okay, this may sound a little weird for a title for my blog today, you say. It’s a subject that’s been on my mind lately and I just think I may feel better if I get this thought out there and see where it goes. Once again, perhaps, blogging is my self-therapy. This blog concerns those of us who have lived a long life. If you are like me, having lived a long life, things may be perceived differently than they were earlier in life.

I have experienced losing so many friends and family members. I have outlived so many of my friends. I, at times, think, why have I outlived my friends? It could have been me that passed on, but it wasn’t. I have been given the opportunity to see my life play out, to realize so many of my goals and desires. I have come to see myself having a “complete” life. I was not “cut down” in the midst of the busyness of living. I am thankful for this. Very thankful.

The graveyard. So many of my friends and family are there. I visit their resting places.

I survived the many stages of life we all seem to go through. I survived childhood, which for me was not the best experience I could have had. Some dark times, as I have mentioned numerous times in my writings. I survived, and I went on to break from my family and go off to college and graduate school to experience a more intellectual side of life, as best I could.

I survived the “rat racer” stage of life, where we go to work and work hard and accumulate some money and possessions and perhaps a reputation and status. Many people get stuck in this phase and that is their life, essentially. Perhaps some get disappointed with it all and become a nihilist, completely giving up on life and become very negative people. Notice that among some people you may know? Or, perhaps some become hedonists, just living to experience pleasure as the supreme purpose of life? I’ve seen all of these types of people in my life experience.

Yes, there are many ways we may live our lives. Many different paths to take. In the end, we take “our” path and that is our life. I certainly took my unique path. I lived my life differently than anyone else I know. And a lot of that life stays inside of me, unknown to others, That’s just how life is, as I see it. Some of us get to reveal a good portion of our life to others, some are rather secretive about their individual life. Through my writings, my blogging, I’ve had the opportunity to express and reveal a lot of my life (but certainly just a limited amount because life is so vast and complex).

So, if we have lived a long life, say perhaps, beyond the age of seventy or so, here we are. We’ve done it. Lived our lives. Done our things, our way. Perhaps accomplished a lot, perhaps accomplished very little of what we planned and desired to do. And now what? Just sit and get bored? Wait to die? Or… is there more to do? If we are healthy, we are very fortunate. Our body functions, our mind still works. We can still enjoy the things of this life. Be grateful if this applies to you and your life. Thank life, or the good Lord, some would say. And I agree. I’m very thankful. Very happy with my life as it unfolded.

But, now what? Why am I still here? Is there something more for me to do? To explore? To adventure into? Yeah, that’s where I am, it seems. Now I am searching for that something more. Perhaps more writing. Perhaps more expressing in other various ways. Who knows? That’s the thing about life. Who knows what’s next? What is just around the next corner? A great mystery.

So, I have the time to contemplate my life, and life in general. The more I contemplate my life, the more I realize I’ve had a great life. Better than I ever expected in my earlier years of confusion, chaos, depressions and uncertainty. Yes, it’s all worked out. I don’t want to die today, but if I do, I will go to the next experience a happy camper, as they say. And if the next experience is non-existence, that “void” of nothingness, then so be it. But, as illogical as it seems, sometimes, I believe there may be something more. I love God, the creative force, and I love Jesus, and I love life. And many other saints and sages. Why am I still here? Ahhh… that’s the mystery. I let it be. I have another day here, let’s go for it!

Wally

Posted on

Know Thyself [Post #107]

I’m a what? After many decades of life, I am just beginning to learn some new things about myself and some new terms to apply to myself. In my previous post I was discussing my existential angst and my thanatophobia. And, after continuing to study where I’m at these days and what terms may be used to describe my current state of affairs, I came up with some new revelations.

My latest discovery is that I am a taphophile. A taphophile, I tell you. Who knew? Certainly not me, well, not until I really thought about it. Oh, if you’re wondering what the hell I’m talking about, a taphophile is a “tombstone tourist.” Or a cemetery enthusiast. Strange terms to apply to myself.

As I think about it, though, I guess it’s true and I own up to it. I mentioned in previous posts that death experiences always seemed to have surrounded me and in college, one of my pleasant experiences was strolling through a cemetery near my college campus. It was a time of peace and contemplation for me for those four years on campus.

For one summer, I stayed in Seattle (I was attending college in Seattle, but my home was in Los Angeles) and accepted an offer to be a night watchman and live in an apartment at a mortuary in downtown Seattle. I would also assist in some of the functions and work at the mortuary. And, yes, that could be at times a bit “creepy.” But, also, I seemed to enjoy the unique experience of living and working in the place.

So, skipping ahead to today’s life in retirement and my current activities, I’m finding I still enjoy walks through local cemeteries and the contemplative and peaceful hikes and times spent there among the grave sites. Weird? Perhaps. I remember my dad once told me he lived near a cemetery at one time, and he could not stand it. He said he could always “smell death” and it almost made him sick. I guess he was not a taphophile.

So, what is it that attracts me to this unusual practice of being a tombstone tourist? Well, besides the peace and quiet of the graveyard, I enjoy looking at the tombstones or grave markers and noticing sometimes interesting comments and statements of those interred there. Also, just looking at the many, many graves I think about all these people (well, former people) and the lives they all lived. So many different, extremely different lives. Their lives are over. What was it all about, these thousands of lives? Oh, there is my existential angst, again. What is it all about?

Our lives. We’re created, we’re here for a while, and then we are gone. Happens to all of us. Yes, all of us. What’s my life about? What’s your life about? Did we do it right while we were here? There were many miserable lives lived, but also many wonderful lives lived. How do you rate or classify your life here for that brief time you were given?

I’ve stated in many blog posts that my life has been very good, even with the rough spots here and there. I dreamed and I achieved my dreams. I loved and have been loved. I wish it didn’t have to end, but I don’t get to control that aspect of life. Those graveyard strolls make me think on these things, not that they give me many answers. The mystery just continues. I have to live in the mystery of it all, like we all do. Religion and philosophy may give us some comfort, but really…we don’t know what it’s all about, do we?

Wally

Posted on

Existential Angst and Thanatophobia [Post # 106]

Well, those are two terms that probably need a little explaining. Perhaps a better title of this essay would be “the mystery of life and the mystery / fear or anxiety of death.” Ahhh, the biggies of life. Yeah, when we get older and realize, ahhh, our future is rather limited, and we are honest with ourselves, we look at things differently than we may have previously. My perspective is a bit different and a bit more intense at this stage of life than it was previously. In other words, the end is near and I don’t like what I’m seeing down the road (or right in front of me, perhaps).

So much of life is lived in denial, it seems. We are so busy living, struggling with life, achieving something, acquiring “stuff,” etc., that we don’t really think about the deep, meaningful aspects of our short time on this earth plane. Most people, anyway.

I’ve always been a deep thinker, a philosopher, perhaps a theologian of sorts. A believer, a non-believer, an agnostic, an atheist, a skeptic. Life is a real mystery and I understand and see that. And, yes, it drives me nuts if I think about it for very long. I’m currently studying science, history (my major in college), philosophy, theology and psychology in depth. And, yes, I’m enjoying the study. But the more I study, the more I learn, the more I realize there are no answers to the mystery of it all. There are facts, there are beliefs, there are experiences. There are systems or organizations claiming to have answers (usually called religions or belief systems or philosophies). Or cults or other groups. Lots of explanations, lots of “answers,” but “The answer”… well… some day we may know more of the answer, or maybe not.

That’s the existential angst. What’s it all about? And the thanatophobia. The anxiety or fear of death and the death process. Yeah, I see that in conjunction with the angst. Another great mystery. And we can feel all nice and secure in our beliefs and spiritual insights and enlightenment, but, really, we have to confront it and we know not when. And that drives me nuts. It’s not just theory, imaginings. It’s gonna be real. Time’s up.

I just had a friend die unexpectedly after being at our house having a good time. He went home and had a heart attack that night. And so it is with so many of us. One day here having a great time, and then, poof, gone.

Maybe I’ve been a morbid one most of my life. My first experience with death was when my cousin came to Los Angeles for a heart operation about age five or six, the same age I was. We were here playing one day, having a great time. Then, the next day he had his surgery, and he died. Poof. I didn’t know for a while what happened. I just knew something was wrong as his mother and my mother just walked about crying all day.

My first experience with death. Playing with my cousin the day before his death undergoing heart surgery.

In college I spent a summer living in a mortuary being a caretaker of the establishment and I got a free apartment for my work there. I was involved in many aspects of the business, assisting the morticians in various tasks. Very creepy at times but of course I was fascinated with it all.

Also, in my college years I would enjoy walking up the hill from my dorm and walking through the cemetery that was there. Felt a strange sense of peace and angst of sorts. Got me thinking a lot about life.

In pervious blogs I mentioned I had two strange experiences in my life. One at around age six when I was going under the anesthesia for my tonsillectomy. I went to a strange dark void and had an experience that I can only explain as an “other worldly” experience (a contact with God?). That experience is as vivid as if it happened yesterday.

The other weird experience was a “dress rehearsal” of sorts of my own death. It was so real. It was an experience I really can’t put into words. I experienced dying. Really experienced the whole process. I cannot shake that from my mind, just like my going under anesthesia as a child. And many years later I had a dream like no other dream l ever had. I was in a space capsule all alone out in deep space. It was an eerie feeling. All alone, in the dark void, at the center of being. With “God” again? A feeling I can’t put into words, again.

So, those are my two anxieties. Guess I just have to live with them. The purpose of life. What it’s all about? We have to find that out for ourselves. We have to make our own purpose. And the big event coming our way, death; well, it can’t be avoided. Some people may be comfortable with the event that is ahead of us and that may come at any moment. Currently, I am not. No matter how “enlightened” I may be, I ain’t there yet. Things may change. As I see it, we must live in the mystery. The mystery of the purpose of life. The horror of experiencing death. And being happy till the end. Wow, that’s a lot to ponder.

Maybe others aren’t bothered like I am over these matters. Perhaps denial of death and not understanding the meaning of life is how most people live. It doesn’t work for me. That’s what I know. Being one with it all, being enlightened, having an inner, spiritual life is great, but, still, we know what’s coming. Not when or the how or what the experience will be like. I think my “dress rehearsal“ experience of dying while on drugs is probably pretty accurate of what it will be like, along with my other two experiences of the deep black, eerie, lonely “void.” That’s my feeling at the present time. Guess I won’t be able to come back to tell you or anyone.

I’m fascinated by the NDE (“near death experiences”) stories I’ve read about. I’m open to those stories and how they have affected people. But those are stories of the “transitional” state and the people come back. Don’t know of any that have come back after six months or so. Of course, there are the “past lives” stories, which are also fascinating.

Well, as of now, at this point in my life, all I can do is acknowledge my existential angst and my thanatophobia. I stand in awe (and trembling) of the great mystery. God help me cope with it all.

Wally

Posted on

Surviving My “Death Date” [ Post # 98 ]

Okay, this one is a bit weird, I admit. But it happened. I thought I’d write about this recent experience while it is fresh in my memory. It all started when….

Several months ago, I was just messing around on the internet. I “googled” (just for fun) “when am I going to die?” I had done this in the past and I got all sorts of interesting answers. I answered the questions on the website such as age, medical situations I have, etc. and when I completed that I hit “enter.” When the response came back quickly, I about fainted, I think.

The answer the website gave me was, “Your probable year of demise … 2023.” What?!!! Holy #^$*^#@! I was NOT expecting that! I had never experienced a date that close being the answer to that question. Like I said, I had done this exercise a few time before and I always got a date many years in the future. I couldn’t believe this website would give such a close date to this morbid question. This really shocked me. Yet, I, in jest (well, sort of) thought, well perhaps I should ask God what’s up with this, so I said, “Okay, God, and what is the date for this event?” “June 16th was the response I heard loud and clear, with even a vision of that date before me!

The response to my inquiry of “when will I die.”

Oh, great, I thought. Now I have my death date to deal with in the coming months. This experience was so stunning and certain. What did I get myself into, I asked? Well, there was nothing to do at that point and the date was months away, so maybe I can just forget all about it, was my thinking. Yeah, right, I was just going to forget about it. I don’t think so.

Well, as the date given to me came closer and closer, I did a lot of thinking. What if this was true and I was given the privilege of knowing when my end is coming? What to do? When asked by a few friends that knew about this premonition what chance I thought there was of this being an accurate “preview” of the end, I responded with “I give it a 50/50 chance of being a real thing, a true premonition. And that was where I was with all of this. I know strange things like this can happen. I recall reading in one of Deepak Chopra’s books (I think that’s where I read it) that we could know the date of our demise if we really want to and ask God to tell us.

Yes, I did try some other websites to see what other dates came up in answer to my question.

So, what to do? I felt strange with this dilemma before me, so I did some deep thinking. I realized, well, it’s possible this is the end of it all. I have had a long life. I have had a very satisfying life, what I considered a very “complete” life. I thought back and realized that I had accomplished all of my dreams. I had accomplished getting all of my pilot licenses, I worked in the aviation field, and I got to travel the world (literally; my first free airline trip I took was around the world in 1974). I got a good education. I made several good friendships and eventually found the love of my life (been together for thirty-four years and married for eight). If I were to die right now, I would be very satisfyied with my life and willing to let it go (got to do that someday). So, why not now? A weird place to be and a weird feeling to have about all of this morbid stuff.

So, as that day approached, I accepted the possibility that this was “it.” I thought, well I don’t have to make amends, I don’t have to forgive anyone, I don’t have to have drama about all of this. I will just accept this as it is, if this is the end. Thankfully I was not sick and suffering in pain or anything like that. I was feeling great and really happy with my life. In a good state of mind. A good way to go, as I saw it.

So, the day came. I lived through the day. I did wonder if I might just suddenly collapse and that would be it. I was very attentive the whole day. Everything was going well. I even joked with friends that maybe this would be the day I would take up a new sport, of skydiving.

I made it through the day just fine. When I went to bed I was hoping I would wake up the next morning (alive, on this earth) and I did! I was a happy man. So, what was this all about?

Spending some time reflecting on this weird experience, here’s what I have come up with. This experience seemed to me to be like a “dress rehearsal” for the real thing, the end of my life. I actually faced the unpleasant possibility that this was the time for it all to end. I was surprised that I actually felt okay with it all. Like I said, I wanted to live a lot more, but, you know, we usually don’t have control over that part of life. I realized that I had a good life. I had nothing to agonize about regarding my relationships. My relationships were good and honest and loving. Even with people I really didn’t like. I held no hatred, no grudges or resentments against them. I wished them well to go on with their lives, on their paths (which I may not understand), and live good lives as much as possible. I feel that is the Christ / Buddha / Vishnu, whatever, in me. Let them (those people I do not particularly like) be. Let me be.

I feel now that there is more to live. Perhaps some new stuff to do. To explore. To stay on the good path and see where we go. And, yes, that final last day will come at some point, but now I have a little more understanding and preparedness for it, I feel. Perhaps that was my lesson through all of this. Still praying for and hoping for a lot more life to experience but feeling good about all I have lived through. So, let’s “hang in there” and see what’s next, where we’re going to go on this journey called “life.”

Wally

Posted on

Don’t Know Nutin ! [ Post # 97 ]

Living a long life, getting a good education; living a good, in fact great life, and then continuing my education (life-long learning), you’d think I would know a lot, wouldn’t you? Well, I’m here to tell you I’m at the point that I don’t think I know much at all. Don’t hardly know nutin I’d say (well, you certainly don’t know good English I hear you saying!)

The more I study, the more education I get, the more I realize we are all somehow surviving this thing called life however we can without really knowing much about it at all! Oh, yeah you say, we’re getting smarter and smarter. Well, maybe we’re getting more technologically advanced, but I see that as very different than getting smarter, more intelligent, obtaining wisdom, evolving our humanity, learning from history, taking the best from our religions and philosophies, etc.

Like I said, I’ve studied a lot. Listened to the “experts,” the professionals, professors, sages, teachers, gurus, etc., and I’m not impressed. Not impressed that THEY have the truth. Oh, yes, I’m impressed with their knowledge, no question about that. Impressed that they have studied so much in their field. But having a lot of knowledge, having a brilliant brain and intellect does not relate to having the truth about life and purpose and ethics and morality.

I say you have to think for yourself. Yes, take in all the knowledge and wisdom and learn all you can. Connect to your “higher self,” the invisible realm of the “whatever” (Spirit, God, eternal wisdom and truth). Be open. Be observant. Be detached, be removed from the entanglements of the insane parts of life. And, I’d say, realize no one, no group has total truth, no one has the answer, really.

So, once again, I’m writing an essay, not writing a book, so I’m just getting my point across. I don’t need to convince anyone of anything. Perhaps you think you know a lot. Perhaps you are a “know-it-all.” Or at least have strong and absolutely correct opinions on everything. Know some people like that? I sure do.

So, here’s how I see it. This life is a grand experiment. This country is a grand experiment. Religions are grand experiments, as are philosophies. History is not a fixed fact, nor is science. Historical perspectives and conclusions change over time. Science changes over time (google “Science Wars’). Don’t believe this? Then do a lot of studying. Go deep. See what you missed in your “basic education,” or your “church religion.” I say run away from those who speak absolute certainty about things. Those who claim they have found the “truth.”

I don’t know notin” much! And that no longer scares me or makes me uncomfortable. I do not fear the “mystery.” That’s life.

Yes, I admire those professors and teachers that have gotten all the education they have and the degrees they have earned. I am astounded how they pursued their education as far as they did. That’s great. And I am pleased when they actually open up and admit that they don’t know everything. They just know a lot of stuff they studied and are passing it on to others. But what do we really know? Ah, that’s the way I look at it. Life is an experiment, as I see it. I’m watching. I’m learning (I hope!). I have to just enjoy the journey.

And, from Wikipedia:

Wally

Posted on

Three Things We All Do / Will Do [ Post #96 ]

We all live such different lives. We all have different worlds we live in, both on a personal, individual level, and on a social, communal level. No matter how different we all are, I was thinking about three things we all do, and will do, whether we are aware of them or not. I really don’t think there are any exceptions to these if we have lived any substantial amount of time on this earth.

The first thing I believe we all do is find our own god (or God). “What”, you say? No, not everybody finds God. Some people never really think about God much at all, some spend a good portion of their lives “searching for God,” and some people are sure they have found God and live with a certainty that they know God and everything about God and living the spiritual life. And some are certain that there is no such thing as God or a spiritual, other realm (those described as “atheists” or agnostics).

I say, I think we all find our god (or God). Everyone. What is god to you? What drives you? What do you live for? What gives you meaning? What keeps you from just giving up, becoming overwhelmed by everything? Why live? I’m saying that if we stay here and continue living our lives, there’s something that we consider our “god.”

For some people with a lot of ambition and drive and perhaps insecurity, money is their god. Don’t we all see that? Some people are driven only by money. Getting rich, very rich. Proving that they are better than anyone else. Having more money than everyone else, that’s success. For others, there are other things that become their god. How about sex for the sex addicts? Relationships for the relationship addicts? Drugs and alcohol become gods for many. Of course for some religious people the God of their particular religion becomes their God. I’m saying we all find something that becomes our “god,” even if we don’t see it that way.

On a personal note, I must say that I’ve never been a shallow person. I’ve always been a deep person, even if I didn’t know that in my earlier life. I never got hooked on the superficialities of life, as I see it. I was never into accumulating a lot of possessions. Or trying to be or look better than anyone else. Money was never a god for me. Yes, money is very important in having a good life and functioning well through all of life’s phases, but I never considered it a god like some people do. So, what is my God?

I would say my God is the creative, life force that gave me life and has sustained my life this far. I would not say it is the God of the church, the temple, the synagogue, most religions. Well, yes in some sense, but religious systems have a well-defined, concocted definition of God that I see as limited and a speculative invention. My God is the universal force of the universe, whatever the hell that is. And it is very real to me. Coming from an evangelical Christian background in my teens, that is a major shift in my theology.

My walks in the cemetery help me reflect on the deeper aspects of life.

So, I’m saying we all find our God in this life, whether we realize that or admit to that or not. And my second thing we all do, as I see it, is we all have our own life story inside of us. Some of us openly tell others our story, perhaps in a book such as an autobiography. I haven’t written my autobiography, but I have written over ninety blog posts telling a lot of my life stories. A lot of my life story is in those ninety or so essays. And, or course, many people do not write out their stories, but they do have them inside of their heads, so to speak. Many keep them there all their life and die with them. Others, like myself, tell them in bits and pieces as we wander through life with our friends and companions.

And then there is the one thing we all will do as this life comes to a conclusion. When the time comes, we all must face the impermanence of life and let go of everything. Yes, let go of everything, totally, completely. That’s not being morbid, really, as I see it, that’s being realistic. We all have to do that. And it may take various forms.

Some of us will have time to ponder this end stage of life. We will face it for a certain period of time before we “let go.” Others may experience a quick or even instantaneous release of our life. Some may let go in their sleep. No matter how, I think we all play some part in the letting go and releasing of our grasping of life. That’s my thinking about this, but I guess we don’t know anything for sure until that time comes and we experience it.

So, how do I feel about all of this? Well, I feel good about my concept of God. Not that I understand much of any of it, even being the theologian that I am. And about our life story we carry around with us all through life. Well, I’ve worked on letting some of that story out through my writing and sharing with people. My good friends have a pretty decent and accurate sense of who I am, and I’m cool with that. And then, that final part, that letting go. Well, I’d prefer to live forever here on this earth plane, but that is not up to me. Nature has its laws, and all living things must die. So, I guess we just have to deal with that. I do work at being in a good place of peace, love and completeness with life, including forgiveness where necessary so I can leave this life feeling good about my life. And, if consciousness survives physical death, well, I’ll be somewhere with God or the creative force. Perhaps with the sages. That would be nice. Perhaps with Jesus, whom I love dearly. And if there is no consciousness after life ceases, well, case closed. Life is over and done with. And I hope that is not the case. Out of my hands, like so much of life.

Live the best life you can. That’s my advice. Be love. Be compassion. Be with the universal life force (God if you will). And let it go when it is over. Go in peace, go in joy, go in love. Be thankful for it all.

Wally

Posted on

NDE’S ? Not Really, But Weird [Post # 94]

So, a while back, I was reading about the actress Marilu Henner and read about a fascinating phenomenon. She says she has total recall memory. She can remember specific details of virtually every day of her life since she was a child. She can remember virtually every day of her life? Wow, that blew my mind. Got me doing some research on that topic. The condition is called hyperthymesia. Yes, it’s a real phenomenon, also known as highly superior autobiographical memory (HSAM). And, yes, it’s a rare condition. Only about 61 people in the world have been diagnosed with this condition as of 2021. Doesn’t that blow your mind?

So, I began thinking. I certainly don’t have total recall of the many memories of my life. I am not one of those 61 people in the world. But I thought about what deep memories do I have from my long life. There are lots of memories in my mind, of course. But what came to mind in consideration of this subject were four long-term memories which were deeply burned into my memory. Memories I know I will have as long as I live. Memories that are so vivid it is as if they happened today.

The very first one burned into my memory is when I was about six years old and going under the anesthesia for my tonsillectomy surgery. When the anesthesiologist put the mask over my face and told me to count backwards from 100, I went into a very strange place. As the ether was taking affect, I was in a completely dark, strange place. I mean blacker that anything I’ve ever experienced. A black “void” I would call it. I felt I was going somewhere. I felt God was close to me and taking me through this experience. I felt a strange completeness with God, life, the universe. At first I was scared, of course, but I quickly submitted to the experience and let go into the void. And I felt okay with it all. I felt a trust of wherever I was going, with whatever was happening. It was a strange feeling of weird comfort. And of course, the next thing I remember was being back in my hospital bed recovering from my surgery. And I never told anyone about that brief experience with the ether mask putting me under.

Another vivid experience and memory from my childhood or very early years (I’m not sure of my age then) was a vision or dream or whatever of my brother, my father and me walking along a path with Jesus, talking about things, about life. I really don’t think it was a dream, I believe it was a vision, and it was so real, as if it just happened a few seconds ago. A very clear, crystal-clear vision of us walking and talking about things. And Ii was amazed, thinking how did we get here and why are we doing this and how did we come together? And why, since my brother and father were not “religious” types at all. Strange.

Okay. In my adult life I had a strange experience all about death and the process of dying. I was under the influence of pot, I admit, but it was a very vivid experience, a very real experience. I can’t compare it with anything else I’ve experienced in my life. It was about the process of dying. I really can’t put it into words, but I was on my deathbed and going through the process of letting go and just being with the whole process and realizing this is what it’s like, and that this is going to happen someday. That there’s no way around this experience, it’s really going to happen like this. A total “letting go.” A similar experience to my tonsillectomy experience but even more detailed and real and certain. Like I said, I can’t really put it into words.

And then, several years ago I had a dream that was unlike any others I have had. Yes, I’ve of course had many, many strange dreams in my life, but this one was different and was burned into my mind and consciousness unlike any others.

I was in a space capsule in deep space. I was all alone. It was eerily quiet, and it was completely dark, a darkness and silence I cannot put into words, just like my tonsillectomy experience, once again. I was all alone. With the universe, with all life, with God. Words cannot convey the feeling of being in a space capsule in deep space. But I will never erase that memory from my mind. Very profound.

So, what are these experiences? Why have I had these four very bizarre experiences, all seemed to be concerned with the purpose of life, with the experience of being with the ultimate experience, God, if you will? I cannot explain them in any way except to somehow compare them to some experiences I have read about regarding Near Death Experiences (NDEs). They are mysteries I just have to live with, not knowing the meanings at all, really. I’m sure others have had similar odd experiences. My spouse had an experience of being in a bright yellow tunnel coming out from anesthesia after surgery years ago. He said it was the brightest yellow light he’s ever seen. And he does not have these type of experiences, he rarely remembers dreams at all. I have forgotten many other memories, but these will stay with me forever. As I have said, they are burned into my mind. I take the good meanings from these experiences instead of something else such as dread or fear. It is all good and I try to learn the lessons given from the “wherever.”

Wally

Posted on

“Well Done, My Good and Faithful Servant” [ Post #85]

Several years ago, my pastor mentioned in a class he was teaching, the phrase from the Bible (from one of Jesus’ parables) that when he died, he would hope he would hear the words (from God), “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” That, he said, would complete his life on this earth in a happy manner. I’ve thought about him saying that recently and, yes, it gets me thinking a lot about life and the point of it all and the conclusion of it all. (By the way, he has since passed on, and I sincerely hope he had the experience he was looking forward to, hearing whose words when he made his transition from this life to whatever is next.)

Thinking about life and all its mystery and uncertainty, I find myself thinking along similar lines as my minister mentioned. At the conclusion of all of this experience called our life, what would we like as we breathe our last breath? Yes, I would like to hear those words. Words telling me that I lived a good life (overall), I did my job, my duty, my purpose and did it well. Yes, that would be nice. Something I can hope for, at least. Validation is nice, isn’t it? We often don’t get much of that in life it seems, for most of us, anyway.

I’ve lived a long life, thank goodness. Thank God, if you will. Sure, I’ve messed up, had some bad times, made some bad choices, perhaps. Haven’t we all? But, overall, it’s been great. I had dreams in my youth. I worked hard at realizing them and I was very fortunate to achieve all my aspirations. If that were not the case, at this point in my life I would be a disappointed and discouraged person, like so many people I have known. But I am very pleased with my life having done what I set out to do, regardless of others trying to interfere in my journey and limit me, discourage me and put me down in obvious and subtle ways. I overcame whatever popped up in my life trying to throw me off course. I stayed the course as they say. I overcame bad experiences, bad people I got involved with in my ignorance and inexperience of life. Getting a little spiritual in this regard, I would say I was guided and protected by the greater forces of life (which I’ll call God). Something guided and protected me.

So, what about you? Happy with your life and how it has turned out? Or less than happy? There’s no right or wrong answer to this question. It’s just an evaluation of the many decades of life you have lived. How do you think you will feel on that last day? Well, besides being resistant to letting go and feeling awful about your departure, how would you evaluate your life?

I’m happy that I feel complete with my life. I’m satisfied with how it has all played out. No regrets, no real disappointments. No anger issues, no unresolved conflicts with people. A good place to be as I see it.

So, maybe after contemplating all of this, I would say the same thing my late minister said. When I pass on (to whatever), if I were to hear a voice in that great void, I would also like it to be :

Wally

Posted on

Religion / Science / Life / And Beyond [ Post #84 ]

So, in one short essay, I’ll cover all of life. Yeah, sure. Well, perhaps give a quick overview of things in my life from the perspective of where I’m at right now, anyway. If you have read many of my previous blog posts, you can probably comprehend most of what I’m going to say here. But, just to update you, here goes.

Religion, now there’s a big subject. I’ve talked a lot about it here and there. I’ve spent a good portion of my life involved in it and studying it. I went to theological seminary. I have studied it in depth since seminary. It is a fascinating subject to me. Fascinating especially when I go deep into my study of it, studying what the scholars have to say about it. I’m not interested in the superficial, fluffy stuff one can often experience in a religious institution such as a church. As my professor in seminary once told us, “You don’t ever want to tell your congregation what you learn in seminary and biblical scholarship, as that will destroy their faith!” I understood that to mean, just teach and preach the standard, church- approved stuff. Let the people feel good about life and God, etc. Don’t bother them with the problems and conflicts and contradictions of religion.

Well, I have two strong feelings about religion. One is, for most people, it is good to have a good, well thought-out religion, or spiritual path. If it works for you, fine. If it brings more love into your life, good. Live it! Live your religion. But keep an open mind. If you find out it gives or promotes prejudice and hate, reconsider your “faith.” Something is not right, as I see it.

Okay, my other thought about religion. There is an awful history of religions and the evil ways they have been used. No question about this, just study history. The most awful history of how religion has been used to control and kill millions throughout the years. It’s sickening and evil.

So, religion can be awful. But check them out and if you find a good one, fine. So, is this perspective contradictory? Yes, I admit it. Just like so much of life, it is contradictory.

Okay, on to science. Here’s a subject that many think is the opposite of religion. Talk about contradictions! Many religious fundamentalists are not too keen on science. God created human life and all existence six thousand years ago in the Garden of Eden, they say. Not billions of years ago like most scientists say. And this is just one example of how some religionists view science. I won’t belabor the point; you get the idea.

I happen to be enjoying a deeper study of science right now with my college and university DVD courses which I have mentioned in previous blogs. I had some basic science in general education, but I admit it was not my favorite subject, or perhaps I just found it harder to understand than other subjects. I am now really enjoying it, even if I still find some subjects difficult to really understand. I have a course on cosmology that is so far beyond my comprehension I understand so little of what the excellent professor is teaching. Oh, well, I must be picking up some knowledge, if very little. I’ll redo the course later, I’m sure.

Another interesting thing about science. It changes with the times and new knowledge is discovered. Pluto was a planet when I was young and now it’s not. Science is very interesting, I’m finding. It causes me to look at things in life very differently than previously. It helps to understand how and why things happen. I find mystery in what created all the laws of science, just as the early discoverers and theologians did. Why are things the way they are? Is life chaos or is life orderly, etc., etc. And what is behind it all?

Well, as for the last two topics of this blog, life and beyond life. You’ve probably picked up from my previous blogs that I am basically a positive type of person’ or at least I look for the positive and try to live in the positive aspect of human life on this planet. True, I haven’t always been this way. My childhood was one of some very dark periods, but I survived and thrived. I worked my way through a lot of difficult times, emotionally and psychologically. I achieved my dreams and had great experiences and loves. And now my life incorporates some aspects of religion and a spiritual path. And, I might add, a lot of mystery. A lot of mystery. I don’t really know much about life in so many ways. I try to understand what I can and realize we can’t comprehend it all. We can’t comprehend most of it (life), as I see it. Why life? Why the universe? Why any existence at all?

Okay, so now on to the “and beyond” part to conclude this essay. If I see this life as basically a mystery, I certainly see the “beyond this life” as a complete mystery. Oh, I know, religion has lots of answers in this realm. And people hold strong beliefs about the “hereafter.” But to me, it’s a mystery. In the past I was very logical and materialistic when it came to this stuff. Life cannot be understood and certainly death can’t be either. But this is one area where I have had to revise my thoughts and beliefs. For a long time, especially when I was in my “atheistic” period, death was final. Existence was over, period. I remember one day my now spouse said, “well, sorry I won’t see you on the “other side.” Hmmmm.

So, I have had some weird and strange experiences in the past several years. I have been convinced (going against my logical thinking) that there is “something else,” or an unseen, invisible side to life. No, I don’t understand it. But I cannot dismiss some psychic type experiences I’ve had. And my research on NDE’s (Near Death Experiences) and similar type experiences convince me that there’s more to life than just this earthly life. But, once again, I don’t understand. I don’t understand the mystery. It’s all such a mystery. That’s where I am. And I believe, but believe what? That the mystery will be revealed as we travel on, in this life and then the other experience when it comes.

So, perhaps I’ve really said nothing in this blog. All of life is a mystery. I don’t understand much of anything. Like I’ve said before, all I know is that life can be good. We can have a good life. We can dream our dreams and realize them. I have. And we can love. We can avoid hate, we really can. And if we love, then, we have found the purpose of life. To me, it’s really that simple. And I will go on in life loving and learning and when the time comes and it is all over, well, then, perhaps some of the mystery will be revealed. That’s how I see it.

Wally

Posted on

What’s Left? [ Post #83 ]

A long life is nice. You get a chance to do things you want to do, things you have dreamed about as a kid. If things have worked out, you’ve lived your good life. Hopefully, many have had a successful life of achievement of dreams and desires fulfilled. Hopefully, you have had good relationships and loves. For many, that includes a good family and good family memories. Not for everybody, of course, but for many. And, when you have done those things you dreamed about in your younger years, you have perhaps retired (yes, some do not retire, really, they keep on going because they want to). So, if you have made it this far and your life has been good, and you are in a happy state and perhaps spending some time being reflexive and contemplative, you may be thinking, “what is left?”

That’s sort of where I am right now in my life. I ask myself (and God or the whatever) so, “what is next?” Is it over (this life of mine)? Is there more coming up, new things to do, new adventures? Or just relax and enjoy the culmination of a good life? There are many different paths that could be taken from this point I’m at. A few years ago, I started blogging; that was a new path. Are there other activities I am going to get involved in? How much time is remaining?

I think of my city councilman who recently came home for lunch, I believe, and told his wife he was just going to rest on the couch for a bit. Well, when she tried to awaken him, she couldn’t. He was gone. In his sixties and a very active and good councilman from most reports I have read. Over in the blink of an eye. A very good and productive life. Not a clue that was his last day. That gets me thinking, of course. What is left, what is next? Is there more, really, or not?

I’ve taken those online surveys about how long you are going to live, etc. Interesting stuff. The last one I took really got my attention as it gave my last year of life to be the year 2023. Hmmm…never had a response that close before. That really got me thinking, “what’s left?”

So, the time ahead is limited, but how limited? Most of my friends and a lot of my family are gone. Most of my co-workers, my age and younger, gone. I’ve been blessed with a long life. I actually have two feelings regarding this subject. One is that I have more things to do. I need to keep my energy and interests up and positive and keep moving ahead. That’s good. But at times I feel the other side of the matter. I get tired and I wonder if there is really a lot left for me. Of course, I’m pulling for that first feeling. But so were most of my friends that are gone. We just think life will go on forever. But we know better, don’t we?.

I do keep busy. I am not bored. I am not stagnating or losing any interest in life. In fact, I have decided to add the addiction of lifetime learning and continuing education to my life and that ensures that I always have things to do. I’m enjoying my newly acquired library of college and university DVD courses on a variety of subjects, some of which are new to me and some of which I have always had a strong interest in.

The Covid situation did a lot to change life as I see it. A lot of staying home and little social contact. At this point I’m wondering if I will ever resume the social life previous to the pandemic. We’ll see. I’m reluctant to do a lot of things I was doing before. I feel a bit like a hermit these days.

So, what I’m saying is that I don’t know how much is left in my life. I guess that is always the way it is. Just hope for the best. For more time to do new things and keep moving on (as long as we can). I’ve just never thought about all of this this much until my online predictions gave me such a limited time left. Nothing has changed really. The end of it all always faces us. We like to deny it, but we can’t, really.

So, “what’s left?” The big question. Perhaps the big motivator. We just have to go on in faith that we will do what is ours to do until, well, there’s no more “stuff” (living) to do. Have a great rest of your life I say! I plan to.

Wally