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Something Better [ Post #22]

A theme that has played a part in and been a motivator in my life, in fact it has been my salvation, is the thought, the belief, the certainty that there is something better than what I am seeing before me, my present experience. I grew up being very depressed as a child and in my youth. Friends may find it hard to believe now that I have grown out of that darkness in my early life, but it is true. The internal thought that was in the back of my mind that “there has to be something better than this experience and feeling” truly was my salvation. It literally saved my life.

Somehow I survived my dark early years. I guess I always had hope of something better. I don’t know how I had that knowledge but I did. I knew in my bones, in my soul that there was a better experience awaiting me if I could just make it through the rough times. Looking back, I see now that I developed some strategies and techniques that aided my survival.

My process for breaking free from my shadow of depression and despair was leaving unpleasant situations and moving on. Now, I know a lot of people make a whole lifestyle of leaving situations and people and moving and running away, but they usually just take themselves and their internal emotional and psychological problems with them, never experiencing any real, permanent healing of their wounds or demons. Somehow, in my life, I really made forward movement and experienced true healing of my shadow side.

I experienced my early family life as very toxic and I left home as soon as I graduated from high school. I eventually put myself in a new setting, a new life, by going to college. It was not that I felt that I needed college, but I needed a new life and that seemed to be one way to find it. I healed many of my wounds by doing that. After college and a year of seminary, I left the academic world, realizing that I needed a break. I seemed to know, once again, that there was something better awaiting me if I just followed my intuition. Not long after leaving seminary I landed my job in the airline industry and began pursuing my dreams of traveling and piloting airplanes.

When my first significant relationship turned out to be a disaster I left it and moved on. I did not let it destroy me, and once again I figured that there must be something better. I did not habitually keep making bad decisions and choices and losing behaviors in my life. I made changes and moved on. If I discovered I was surrounded by toxic acquaintances and friends, I dropped them and found better relationships, just as when I left my family when I became aware they were a bad influence on me in many ways.

So, I say all this to show how, in my life, I’ve been driven by the knowledge deep inside of me that no matter how bad things may seem, there is always something better. We can always choose new thoughts, new ways of being, of behaving and relating to the world, life and people, including ourselves. We do not have to be stuck with what we think is a permanent circumstance or situation.

But it’s more than just changing the externals in our lives, running away, hoping something comes along to “save” us. We have to do a lot of internal, psychological work in the process of healing ourselves. We need to be open to forces greater than our limited, conditioned selves. Something better is always available if we open ourselves to that possibility and do the work we need to do. We have to be open, proactive, willing, courageous and sure of the fact that “something better” is awaiting our discovery.

I call that belief, that certainty, “faith.” I have used those tools to beat depression and negativity. Everyone is different and I really feel for those who cannot seem to beat their demons, to drive them out of their lives, those that always seem to live under that shadow of darkness. I am thankful that I have found tools and techniques and spiritual truths that have worked for me and lifted me to new levels of living and new life!

Wally

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Doing Your Thing [ Post #21]

One part of my life “doing my thing.”

I like to look at things and life in simple terms. Yes, I know it is all very complicated, but the way I look at life, it is basically very simple. My view is that we come, we do our thing, and we leave. There’s no way around that, that’s just the way it is. It’s the “do your thing” part of my view that is so difficult, so complicated, so “messy” for most of us. But, still the basic process is that we are born, we do our life, and then we die.

So, what is our thing that we do, what do we do with our life? Some people do a lot with their life, they accomplish tremendous things and leave a mark on this world and perhaps history. Some seem to not do much, some may even spend most of their lives as homeless, discarded and forgotten people. Most of us fall somewhere in between. I find it curious why some people accomplish to much and some don’t. What makes people so different? Why the motivation, the drive in some people? Why are some people so genuinely happy and some so miserable most, if not all, of their lives? Okay, that is a big subject, a dilemma that can consume a lifetime of therapy, a subject matter that fills hundreds of books. Of course in a brief essay like this blog post, I can only give you a few of my personal thoughts and experiences regarding these matters.

I can look at my life and think, “gee, I didn’t become a great, famous person; I did not become a top surgeon or find a cure for cancer or invent a wonderful product or make my mark on the world.” So, does that mean I am a nobody or disappointment to the world, etc. etc. What is life all about, anyway? Of course, I can’t answer that question.

What I can say is that my life has been about trying to find what life is really all about in the deepest sense. It has been about my finding my way through this maze, this haze, about not letting others determine what my life should be. To not be manipulated and controlled or coerced. To be my own self, to have my own dreams and goals, to live from love, not hate.

Now, I did accomplish my dreams. I may not have accomplished the dreams others may have had for me. My family, it seems to me, had a dream of me just living a mediocre life, getting a job, sticking with it for life, and then die. (Wow, how exciting!) I rejected that limited vision and did “my” thing (which I now see as “God’s” thing for me). Doing “my” thing ( God’s thing) has made my life absolutely wonderful and perfect. I feel that it takes a lot of work to really be yourself. Everyone wants to mold you, bend you this way and that way, make you conform.

So, what about the paths not taken? Well, they were not taken, so that’s sort of the end of the subject. I know, a lot of people play the miserable game of “what if,” “if only I had done…,” “If I had it to do over…,” etc. etc. But, life goes the way it goes, as I see it. If you have faith, if you have a connection to something higher than your self and your world, as I see it, you are in the flow. The flow of Spirit, your higher self, God, your Christ Consciousness, your Buddha self, or whatever you may call it. You may not have a name that is famous is this world, but you have “done your thing.” And then, when you go, you leave this place and can feel good about yourself and not feel regretful or miserable.

I believe these are the choices we all have. We come, we do our thing, we leave. How do we handle it all? I feel I have done a good job so far, and I have not been alone on this journey. It’s not all been just me. As Jesus said, “it is the father who lives in me that does the work.” I know there’s something to that statement. I must just listen, listen to my life and let it tell me who I am and what is my thing to do.

Wally

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Relationships, Marriage, Family, Life [ Post #20 ]

A friend recently asked me about my thoughts on good and bad relationships. Hmmm, I thought… me? You’re asking me? Well, since I’m going to have to think this one over in my mind, maybe I’ll just write out my thoughts and see if it’s appropriate material for my blog. Me, giving my opinion and advice on relationships, wow, as if there isn’t already a plethora of relationship “experts” in this world. Well, that’s the fun thing about blog writing, no academic degrees required to just blabber on about something.

Something that just popped into my thoughts as I considered this topic was the fact that in college I took a “Marriage and Family” psychology class and got one of my few “A’s” in college. (Overall I was probably a B and C student.) I guess I had a real interest in the subject in order to work that hard to get the top grade.

So, my thoughts on this matter of relationships. Well, from my earlier blog posts, you can see that my family life in my early years was a mix of good and bad experiences and feelings, probably like most of us. I had friendships through the years but no real, close friendship or partnership until my late twenties. I had always figured that after college and graduate school I’d get married, have a family, and be like everybody else in the world (at least in the world I saw). Boy, was I out of touch with reality!

One day during my year in seminary, I was crossing the street from my apartment to the campus and a fellow seminarian stopped to talk with me. He mentioned that he suspected that I was a latent homosexual. I was stunned, speechless. What? What’s this about? Where’s this coming from? I guess he drew that conclusion because I was not dating and showed no interest in dating. I was not like everyone else. I was not talking about things others were talking about, like one seminarian friend who was telling us about how he seduced a nun, etc. You know the kind of talk, the talk of the good ole boys. Anyway, after that brief encounter on the street and being accused of being a latent homosexual, I started thinking about it all. Maybe I was not heading towards a conventional, traditional marriage and family after all.

After seminary and starting my airline career, I did find a partner, a companion, and we lived together for nine years (late 1970’s to late 1980’s). So, through that experience, I came to learn all about bad relationships. It was bad, really bad ( from my perspective, emotionally, but, yes it could have been much worse if it was physical abuse, etc.). A total narcissist, pot-smoking, manipulating and controlling phony. And I spent nine years in that horrible relationship. I learned a lot of lessons.

What did I learn? I learned to be aware, to be very attentive to the “vibes,” the “energy” that people have and project. I learned to be aware of harsh emotional treatment and put-downs, no matter if even very subtle and often brushed off as “oh well, no big deal.” I learned if a person is not kind and loving in a real way almost all the time and understanding and compassionate, watch out. If after lashing out they are always begging for forgiveness and then repeat the same behavior ( again and again), that’s a warning sign things are not right with this person. I learned what pathological liars are. Wow, what an eye opener.

By the time I was halfway through my airline career, we had broken up and I met my second partner. By this time I had wised up a lot and had decided to make a good relationship a reality in my life if at all possible. I guess I really did believe change was possible, that we don’t always keep choosing the same people over and over again. It took a lot of work and a lot of time, but the result was a stunning success and resulted in my eventual marriage . So, I did eventually get to experience marriage and a real, good intimate relationship, even though it was not the conventional type I had imagined in my earlier years. But you know what? Relationships are relationships, love is love, and living with someone is the same whether in a conventional, traditional manner or in an unconventional one, as our world sees it.

So, good versus bad relationships. I feel I could write a book about this topic but for this blog I’ll keep it brief. I already mentioned many of the clues and signs of a bad relationship. Bad relationships often involve two people just coming together without much thought about it all, without working on changing themselves into compatible, honest, loving people, as I see it. Left as they are, they are often selfish, self-centered, impulsive, compulsive, egotistical, reactive, whiny, victim acting and possibly addictive. I know I was some of those things. I had to change if I was to have a real working relationship.

As I see it, to have a good working relationship with longevity, it takes a lot of work. It does not “just happen.” You do not just hook up. It takes an objective look at life and all our quirks and faults and negative traits and thought patterns. We have to work on ourselves. Sometimes some very deep work to extricate our demons, our dark side that is often well hidden. This can be done by ourselves, but sometimes it may require professional help, whether a therapist, counselor, spiritual worker, mentor, coach or whatever. Whatever works, I say, go for it. Do what needs to be done.

I see lots of people who have been together for many years in what they consider is a “good, loving” relationship. I look at them, think about it, and think to myself, no, I don’t quite see it that way. They often fight a lot, nag continuously ( usually not even aware they are always nagging ). They are hurtful and unkind as I observe them. I just don’t get it. A better life is available if you will just do the work required. A much better, a much more evolved relationship is possible. I know as I’ve been on both sides of the coin. I learned from the miserable times and I will never go back!

Wally

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Phrases I’m Not Fond of [Post #19]

They say the words we use are important in our lives as far as determining how we think and live. I think there’s truth in that statement. Thinking this over brought to mind several phrases I really don’t much care for, in fact I think they can really be bad for us in how they affect our day-to-day lives. I’m not really talking about the vulgar or cuss words we use from time to time (or that some people overuse a lot), I’m referring to the often everyday, casual phrases we spew out of our mouths without really thinking what we are saying.

Let’s start with some of my least favorite phrases. There are three very similar phrases that I think are not the best way to express the thought that something may not need to be done right now, today. “There’s always tomorrow”; “You have all the time in the world”; “There’s always next time” ; Opportunity will always come knocking again!”

Well, if you’ve ever had a loved one die suddenly ( and I’ve had several) you know these statements are not always accurate or true. There is not always tomorrow, or another opportunity, or all the time in the world. The day will come when it is all over. The only time we really ever have is now. Always has been that way, always will be that way. There is only now. When people say “there’s always tomorrow,” I’m thinking, well, yes, if I don’t die tonight!

How about, “don’t get your hopes up!” Wow, that’s a real killer of hope, anticipation and enthusiasm; a punch in the gut. People say that so nonchalantly and sometimes they mean well, but I think that is not the right phrase to use. I think it is good to get your hopes up, but also, be realistic about things and be open to the results being different than originally planned. Remember, as they say. “God’s ways are not our ways.” I do believe that!

And there’s the “I’d rather die than…” (fill in the blanks). I don’t think that’s a good way to state a dislike. I don’t like putting that thought into my mind and consciousness. Now, I am more tolerant of casual phrases we use like, “you kill me!”, or “that just kills me.” Somehow those expressions don’t seem as dangerous to my mind as the others. “I would just die if…”, well, maybe I would consider that one borderline, not the best but commonly used. There must be a better way to express that sentiment, I think.

Often when we have a loss of a loved one (a death), we hear all sorts of things that may not be the best things to say. The grief experts usually say that it is best to say nothing or very little to a grieving person than to just blurt out stupid and hurtful things which are often done in that situation. What is often heard are things like “I know exactly what you are going through”, “It’s not that bad”, “they’re in a better place”, you’ll get over this”, “time heals all wounds”, etc. Just not really good things to say, as I see it. Time alone does not heal wounds. Time and a lot of work on grieving and the healing process can alleviate the initial trauma, but many people would testify that it’s not really a healing so much as getting through the process and living with a new life we must adjust to.

It is sometimes not appropriate to tell people to not get angry. To tell them not to feel that way (however they feel). We have to allow people to have their feelings and reactions. Who are we to tell people how to feel? Now of course there are dangerous situations where we may have to assert ourselves, but those are very rare, I feel. Someone planning a mass murder should be stopped, of course. Maybe I’m just more sensitive to the words and phrases we carelessly throw around because of my history. I worked in customer service in the airline industry and often had confrontations and unpleasant situations. My first companion and I had a tumultuous relationship and harsh words and actions were the norm for us.

So, maybe as you see it, it’s no big deal the way we talk to each other. To me it is! It’s very important how we express things in our interactions with each other. In my early life I was often very depressed and I believe that was often because of how I thought, my thinking process and the words I used. So, maybe this position of mine is just the result of living a long life and having lots of experiences. I just know that I try to use the best expressions and carefully watch what I say as much as I can. Of course I’m not perfect. I’m just a work in progress, aren’t we all!

Wally

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The Loves of My Life [ Post #18]

Sorry to disappoint you, but no, this is not going to be a sleazy tell-all of my intimate love life. We’ll let that come out when I get into politics. No, what I’m thinking about here is the real loves we all have which form our lives and give us purpose and meaning on our journey on this earth. We all have different lives and the loves we develop are what motivate us and give us enthusiasm and energy and fulfillment. I’m always interested is what drives people to be who they are.

Exploring my loves, one of the earliest loves I developed in life was my love of the mountains. My family had a cabin in the local mountains and we would often spend weekends there. We would just chill out and enjoy the mountain air and go swimming and boating and even fishing in a nearby lake. My parents were in a club at the lake that always had activities going on. It was a great time! I absolutely loved the time there. Being in a family I was not always happy with, it was a transformation for us. We all got along together and just had a blissful experience. That was a love in my formative years that has stayed with me to this day. I still get up to the mountains when I can and anyone who has gone with us or visited us there knows how Terry and I love the time up there.

In a previous blog post (#3), I wrote about how I spontaneously developed my love of aviation when I took my first airplane trip with my parents around age five or six. That wasn’t just an interest, it was an instant love. I may not have realized my first dream at the time of becoming an airline pilot, but I did become a flight instructor and a commercial pilot working at a local airport as a side job to my airline job. I did accomplish my dreams and am thrilled I did push myself to get my pilot licenses. Otherwise today I would have deep regret that I never did that. Mission accomplished!

Along with my love of aviation I also developed a love of travel (there is a relationship there, you see). As a kid I did a couple of trips with my parents and that inspired an interest is seeing the big, big world out there someday. So, of course, when I got hired on with an international airline, that dream and love germinated in a big way. I traveled the world, literally (my fist airline pass was a trip around the world, blog #6). I traveled all the time. Again, I’m so glad I did as I am not as enthused in traveling that much these days with crowded airplanes and all the rest that has changed over the years. So, my love of travel got satisfied to the hilt.

In my youth, another interest that became a love was photography. Somehow, I just loved taking good pictures and I was so into it that I turned my bedroom closet into a (very cramped) darkroom. Yes, those were the days before digital photography. The only way to take pictures was to use film. I loved the whole process of pictures taking and developing the film at home. In fact, in high school I took photography class and got accolades from my teacher, he loved my picture taking ability and talent. I felt very good about all of that. A love fulfilled once again.

Turning a little more intellectual, now, I must admit another love, that of reading and being curious of my great big mysterious world. As a kid I somehow joined a book club for kids with books titled, “All About….” All About Nature, All About Science, All About the Cosmos, All About Photography, Aviation, Etc. You get the idea. Those books arriving every month or two sparked my curiosity about everything and that curiosity and love of reading has stayed with me. Another true love in my life.

Related to this love of reading and curiosity was my life-long love of religion and spirituality (even during those few years of my atheism (blog#7). Ever since my “born again, come to Jesus” experience as a teenager I have loved studying the world beyond this world, the religious and spiritual world. And yes, I know all about the horrible part of that “religious” world. I majored in history in college, so I know what has been done in the name of God and religion. But we all have a connection to life and the eternal that fascinates me. A mystery we’ll never comprehend, I’m sure. After all, I did go to seminary and studied deeper religion and theology. Once again, I’m glad I did all of this and I have no regrets about following my love to see where it led.

The last love I want to look at in this blog is my love of good relationships. I truly love deep, sincere, real relationships. I have friendships that have lasted over fifty years. I treasure those true relationships. I have no time or energy or interest in flaky relationships. God knows I’ve had a few in my lifetime, what a waste (although lessons have always been learned in those relationships also; I always believe there are lessons to be learned in all that happens in our lives).

So, my love of good relationships has culminated in my marriage now with the love of my life. It took everything that happened to get me here to this place of true happiness and bliss. Whether others understand my marriage or not is not my concern or business. It is the best part of this long life and the trials and struggles encountered along the way. My belief has proven true for me, at least, that in the end, it all works out!

Wally

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Sin (Yes, Sin!) [ Post #17)

So, my thoughts regarding sin. If you have any experience with church or organized religion, you probably heard a lot about sin. Turn on any Christian radio station or tune in to any televangelist on TV and I can almost guarantee you you’ll hear that word within fifteen seconds or so. Most conservative religions seem to be obsessed with the word and concept. A few years ago I preached a sermon on religion and sin and types of religious people. I referenced the classic book by William James, (the “Father of American psychology ,” as he is called ) “The Varieties of Religious Experience” (the late 1800’s). He basically divided religious people into two camps. There are the unhappy, miserable sinner types of people and the happy religious and spiritual people. (Now, of course, I’m oversimplifying this for this short essay.) The unhappy, miserable sinner type of person is often racked with guilt and seeking salvation from that prison of depression.

The other type of religious/spiritual person has a more pleasurable experience of religion and is happy and joyous and feels good about life and his or her connection to that something greater (God, the universe, the higher self, etc.) I would place myself in that camp now in my life. I am enjoying a good, happy, joyous life and I am not obsessed with the idea of “sin,” personally. Now that does not mean I don’t see the evil or vile side of life. I am realistic. There are some spiritual teachers and gurus that preach that evil does not really exist or is not real. I’m not going to get into that debate here. Let’s just say that I do see the crap in the world. History has always shown how evil people can be. So, what I can say is that yes, I see the bad in the world, but I do not let that suck me into the whirlpool of depression and the experience of a miserable view of life.

Now, having said all of that, I guess the paradox is that I do have experience with sin, personally. I do not go out and murder or steal or hurt people, but I do have to admit I have what I consider “my” sins. I am not racked with guilt as the miserable sinner type of person is, but I do have to watch for my personal sins creeping into my life.

Let me tell you what I consider to be sin in my life. First off, the root of the word sin means to “miss the mark,” referring to spear throwing. I like that definition better than the usual church definition of an immoral act of transgression against divine law. So, for me, what do I consider “missing the mark” in my life? Well, for me, the biggest sin for me is to stagnate. To just be stuck in my life, to stay stuck, to choose to be stuck and not growing and moving forward in my daily life, on many levels. For me, to be alive is to constantly progress, to learn something new every day, to have new insights, new experiences, deeper relationships, to have every day be a new, creative experience.

For me, the other sins that concern me are: to be mean, to hurt others or myself, to hate, to have resentments, to be envious or jealous, to desire bad things for those people that I don’t particularly like. To have unforgiveness in my heart ( I can forgive even despicable people I do not like, that’s for my own good only, really).

Those are sins for me in my life. I have to watch closely in my daily activities and thoughts that these particular sins to not sneak into my life or consciousness. Many people do not watch that these sins stay out of their lives, they usually don’t even pay attention or care, really. They just live and react without working at this.

So, for me, sin is not necessarily a bad word. It is necessary to be aware of sinful or thoughtless or damaging thoughts and activities. I do not live in guilt or negative environments in my life. I do not want any of these mentioned transgressions from the good life to be in my personal world.

Wally

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Like Father, Like Son [ Post # 16 ]

Oh, family dynamics. Aren’t they interesting? We all have different relationships with our family members, don’t we? In this blog I am going to write about my relationship with my father, something I never thought I’d be writing about, but here I am doing just that.

I’ve mentioned my father a couple of times in previous blogs. About him trying to thwart my dream of being a pilot and my desire for a college education and him standing up for me when my high school counselor said I couldn’t take English Literature class because I was not “college material.” Well, upon deep reflection, I realize now that my father and I did have some things in common, even though I did not realize it in my childhood. We did not have a great relationship, maybe, but I did learn from him at times.

My father was a writer at heart. He was a journalist most of his life. He was a newspaper reporter and eventually a columnist. He even wrote his memoirs which I only discovered a few years ago. After moving his family from Michigan to California he was a Hollywood correspondent for the Lansing State Journal, writing a column for years as a movie reviewer and a reporter of the Hollywood and celebrity scene. I wish I had kept his columns as I’d love to read them now to remember how he wrote. Oh, well, bottom line, he was a writer.

He did not enjoy having to cover gory murder and crime scenes as a reporter, but other than that, he loved his work. He was always writing. So, now that I’ve started blogging (the modern day version of him writing his personal newspaper column), I realize somehow I have the same urge in me that he had to write about stuff ( life, observations, opinions, etc.). It didn’t hit me until now that we had that in common. I guess I did pick up his interest, desires and motivations and talents (?), well, don’t know about that.

Although he did send us kids to church and Sunday school in my early years, he was not what you would call a “religious” man. He liked church because the minister was a big football fan and talked sports a lot. As for the religious part of church, I don’t think he was much interested. Not a big believer in God, as I saw it. I guess you would call him an agnostic.

Eventually, when I became a more religious person in my teen years, he probably had problems with that. And then, when after college I went on to seminary to prepare for the ministry, well, that definitely confused him, I’m sure. He probably also had a problem with me since I did not grow up to be an athlete and a strong sports fan. It’s not that I didn’t try. I did play football as a kid in the neighborhood and played little league baseball for a short time. But I was never that good, and sports was a big thing for him. I did go to a lot of sporting events, high school football games every week, Angels games (he loved the Angels and hated the Dodgers and had frequent contact through his writing with Gene Autry, owner of the Angels). But I was never the fanatic sports fan I think he wanted me to be. When my nephews came along years later, he was thrilled as they all became fanatical sports fans.

He sensed I was different, I’m sure, but that’s the way it was. You can’t be all things to all people. But, somehow, I did pick up this writing thing. During my elementary school years, I started a neighborhood newspaper which my dad occasionally helped me with. I enjoyed that, even going out and getting local merchants to pay to advertise in it. I remember in college, I had to write a letter to my draft board when I lost my college deferment and needed them to reinstate it. My college roommate was very impressed with my writing skills at that time when he read my letter.

So, like father-son relationships, there were good things and some not so good things. He was never warm and close with me but he was helpful at times and never cruel or abusive (except perhaps verbally). He could cuss and swear and unfortunately that trait was picked up by me and I really struggle with that to this day.

I’m okay with all of this. This was life in my family. This was my relationship with my father. It could have been better and it could have been much worse. I survived and I went on to create and live my life. It has been a good life and I am grateful for all of it. In the long run, it’s all good. Good lessons were learned along the way.

Wally

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Who, What is God? [ Post #15 ]

Okay, I’ve been talked into this topic by a good friend. I would have tackled this one eventually, but maybe the time is right the more I think about it. At dinner recently, my friend said, “the post I’m waiting for is ‘Who is God?'” He stated that I recently said that, “you know, I guess I’m really an atheist at heart.” I was stunned that he said that and I wish I remembered the context I said that in. I don’t remember the conversation and find it hard to believe that I actually said that. Oh, well, I’ll take that as fact and see how to cover this very deep subject in a short essay. (Maybe I was just drunk and being a smart ass.)

In previous blogs I covered my spiritual and religious wanderings through my life. I said my eventual religion today boils down to a very simple theological statement, “love, trust God, and #@$/* the rest!” And that really is it, that covers everything for me as far as my personal religion goes.

So,the first part, “love.” Do we need to discuss that? I don’t think so as far as I’m concerned right now. Maybe later in another post, but not now. But the second part, “trust God,” well, what does THAT mean? And what is God as I’m using the term? Trust what? Okay, so here we go, putting in a brief blog what no one really knows or can understand or explain.

Making it all very simple, there seem to be two basic views of life. One view is that everything is just total randomness in life; it’s all just an accident, chaos somehow just coming together to create life. The other view is that life is not just randomness and an accident and chaos. My life experience and my intelligence puts me in the latter group. (I was an atheist for a few years, so I’ve been on both sides of this dilemma .) I now know (as stated in an earlier post), that there is an “unseen” side of life. I’ve experienced it. I will call it the spiritual dimension of life. It is in this dimension that I experience what I call, to keep it simple and comprehensible to me, God. Now, what is that? What the hell is that? You tell me! Oh, no, please don’t. My whole life people, authorities, intellectuals, religious leaders and others have been doing that. And you know what? They don’t know, really. We are all guessing, speculating, pronouncing, preaching what this driving force of life and creation is, what a majority of people call god or God.

I’ve been to theological seminary, I’ve studied this subject most of my life. I’ve studied many religions. The spiritual has been a part of all civilizations throughout history and even before history was written. People have always been aware of this “something” beyond the visible world.

So… that’s it. That “something.” That’s it! It’s as simple as that! Wow, what a cop out you say. Haven’t really said anything. Not very deep theology. So God is a something. So, love and trust “something?” You gotta be kidding me!

So, what I will do now is give you some tidbits and statements of my feelings about this vagueness that I am presenting as God.

God has many names (from the civilizations of the world and history), I have a list of over one hundred terms used for “God.”

The theologian Paul Tillich says God is not a being, but BEING itself. I agree with that assessment, and he says God is the God above god.

As I see it, God is or God isn’t. God can’t be both, It’s not a sometimes thing. God always is or always isn’t, It doesn’t come and go depending on circumstances, nor depending on whether times are good or bad or evil.

I am not a God seeker. I do not “seek” God. I know God. If I’m seeking God, then I have not found Him or It.

God is love and love is God ( 1 John 4:16 in the New Testament).

God is always with me, always inside of me ( “the Kingdom of God is within you” as Jesus said).

God is truly, absolutely unknowable, but I KNOW him (woops, excuse the sexist terminology…him, her, it, whatever… oh chill out over the term used).

Many people, as I see it, use God. They want him around only at certain times (times of trouble, on the deathbed, etc.). Otherwise they want to keep him away. Not me. God is an always thing, every moment of life, every situation.

I’ve had two very intimate times with this something I call God. Maybe in a later blog I will discuss that. I’ve faced very realistically my death.

So, there. Maybe I haven’t really said anything intelligible or profound ot theological. Maybe I’ll return to this subject at another time.

What I do know is that I can’t lose God. God simply is. God is life. God is life itself, the life force. I am one with God, the father and I are one. There is a oneness in all of life on the spiritual plane.

So, the statement my friend says I made that I’m really an atheist at heart, maybe I was saying I see God differently than a lot of people do, that to them I’m an atheist because I don’t see things their way. These days especially, in our current political climate, the “crackpot Christians” in the spotlight would probably call me an atheist or worse. Yeah, like I care what they think?

We all have our own experiences of the unseen side (the spiritual side) of life. Maybe this gives you a glimpse into mine. I could write a book, but this is enough for now. I prefer to keep it simple. Thank you for joining me in this blog of “Theology 101,” my ramblings about stuff theological. A lot more could be written and maybe it will be at a later date.

Wally

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Tolerant No More! Shy No More! (well….) [Post #14]

Tolerant is an interesting word. It’s defined as “to put up with,” usually. Or, sometimes to be “open minded, liberal, broad-minded, to endure,” etc. It can sound good, like toleration is good, a good thing, a good trait to possess. Yes, that’s how I’ve viewed the meaning of the word over the years. But, you know, I’m beginning to not like the term so much anymore. The deeper I go in thinking about toleration, the more I begin to dislike the word.

My whole life I have been taught to just “tolerate” everything. Tolerate abusive people, even family and loved ones, bad teachers, bad work environments, bad co-workers, bad bosses, incompetent “experts” and “professionals,” etc. You get the idea. To live a good life, just tolerate almost everything. Get along and just put up with whatever. Sounds good? I’m not sure that’s the best strategy to live the good life.

I think that I have tolerated too much over the years. I’ve played the game. Yes, I’ve gotten some of the “goodies” as rewards for going along and playing the game. But I think it’s time to step up the game and move beyond toleration. There’s a higher level than toleration. I want to see people live and function on a higher, more evolved level than toleration. Do you want people to just tolerate you Or do you want people to like you and love you? And if they don’t like you, let that be. But to be tolerated? Not really what I want. I certainly don’t want to tolerate awful, nasty, mean, cruel people. I’m tired of tolerating people’s sh*t and sh*tty attitudes and behaviors. And in today’s highly charged political climate, especially. I will not engage with some people who are a bit out of control of their anger, in my view of things. Tolerate hate and hate talk, no way! I will set “my” boundaries; you set yours if you want.

This brings up a connection of sorts to another aspect of life for me. Ever since I was a child, some people always thought of me as shy, a shy person. My brother-in-law, especially, drilled into me his opinions of my shyness as well as his perceived shyness of my two siblings. I won’t argue with that. As he saw it, the three of us were shy in comparison with others. We were definitely more introverted and shy than most people. More on the introverted end of the scale than the extroverted side. My point is that being a bit shy and taught to just tolerate everything in life probably didn’t move me along on the fast track to good emotional and psychological health in my early years.

But decades have passed, we’ve grown and moved on and accomplished things in our lives. At this stage of life, however, being somewhat introverted and overly tolerant of way too much crap in life and the world is not a good thing for me personally. I now realize that I need, I must, be more definite and adamant about setting boundaries on what I will allow into my immediate personal environment, or what you might call my “energy field.” So, yes, maybe I am becoming more intolerant of things that I used to give a pass to. So be it! I see this intolerance as being a good thing. I’ve learned my lessons from the past regarding being shy, introverted and tolerant and too accepting of sh*t.

I’ve lived a long and very good life. I’ve make mistakes. I’ve lived with not the best people at times and for way too long. But hey, that’s how life goes, right? At least I’ve survived and grown and transcended the muck to find a new freedom in life by being true to myself, my truth, and my God.

So, toleration is not my favorite term or preferred way of life. Like me or love me or don’t like me, that’s up to you, but tolerate me… hmmmm.

Wally

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Survivor’s Guilt? Reconciliation with Death? [ Post #13]

We’ve heard about survivor’s guilt, you know, when someone survives an accident in which others were killed. That nagging, perhaps lifelong feeling of guilt of “why me?” Why did I live and all the others died? Yes, I should just be happy to be alive and count my blessings, there’s no reason to be racked with guilt for being so lucky. Except that life doesn’t work that way with our psyche. It can be a bothersome phenomenon, psychologically, mentally, and spiritually.

It took me some time to realize on some level that I was feeling the effects of survivor’s guilt, in a sense. Let me explain how this feeling has come about. It has a lot to do with my work life, my thirty-three years in the airline industry. You see, I worked with basically the same group of people all of those years. From age 25 on, the same people, perhaps a hundred or so co-workers, often in close quarters, day in and day out. We were just kids starting out in life, then young adults, then middle-aged and finally older adults hitting retirement age. I knew these people well. We grew up together, married, had families. All the life events that occur over the years. I think that is quite unusual in this world, to experience all this with the same group, like a large family.

Most people I know, outside of my work group, don’t stay in a job or single career or stay in a single company for their entire work life. Most people do not have the same co-workers at retirement age (60’s or so) that they had in their twenties. A very unique situation and work life.

So, in a sense, it was a very close-knit family of co-workers for several decades. Like I said, this is very unusual these days for most people. We really knew each other, we lived through so many life events together. And then, one by one, we started thinning our group through death. It seemed to be a continuous decimation of the ranks and it kept happening at a faster and faster pace as we aged. There was a period of a few years where I was going to funerals or memorial services at least once a month.

These were people my age or very close to my age. These were very lively, fun people in a close-knit work group. I began to think to myself, “wow,” I am really surrounded with a lot of death. When I would tell my other friends about this phenomenon I was experiencing, they could not relate to what I was going through. Their responses would be like, “gee, that’s weird, I experience a death of a friend or loved one every few years, maybe, but nothing like what you are experiencing.” It got to a point that most of my friends and co-workers were gone. I began to feel like the survivor of my work group. Then it hit me, this feeling I had was somewhat similar to the phenomenon of survivor’s guilt. Unconsciously I was thinking, why am I still here? All my friends are gone, many who I felt were a lot healthier and livelier than I.

So, I have a close relationship with the death experience. Even in college, I spent one summer living in and helping out in a mortuary. I would help the morticians during the day and I would be the caretaker of the mortuary all alone at night. (Don’t ask to see my pictures from those days. I’d even have friends come visit me at night and show them around and they would faint on me.) So, death has been no stranger to me.

So, this survivor’s guilt and my experiences have caused me to reflect on a lot on the end of life. Call me morbid if you must, but I see great value in not denying death but rather in reconciling myself to the inevitable. Do I have a fear of death? Most of the time, no, I don’t feel I do. On the other hand, yes, there are brief periods or terror regarding the end of it all (this earthly life). Fortunately, most of the time I’m okay with this birth, life, death thing. I am spiritual, but I also am human.

So, what’s the bottom line of all of this? Well, three years ago, my brother-in-law died in his sleep. It was the day before his seventy-eighth birthday. He had planned to go golfing with his wife (my sister) that morning and before going to bed he was saying how good he felt and how he was looking forward to the next day with great excitement. But the next day was not to be as he passed away early that morning as he slept.

That experience has really affected this whole “thinking of death” thing. Besides all my friends dying around me, this sudden death hit me hard. I realize that every day or every night could be it, my last day here. I’m very aware of this fact. I now really live every day as if it could be my last. I mean really, this is not just a trite saying for me. Every day I think, am I living this day as I would if I knew that this was my very last day on this earth?

So, I feel I’ve learned my lesson through all this experience with death. I have been blessed with a long life. A lot longer life than I expected in my early, very dark and depressed, pessimistic years. I love every minute of life. I do not get bored. I will not let the crap of this world knock me down any more. Like I’ve said in an earlier post,my personal religion is now very simple, “love, trust God, and *#$&/% the rest!” May we all find our peace with life and the life force, which I call “God.”

Wally