Death of a Sibling / Forgiveness [ Post # 74 ]

September 23rd of this year, I had a unique experience. I lost a sibling. My brother died. I never had a sibling die before. I have lost my parents many years ago. But they were of a different generation than mine, of course. My brother’s death felt different, perhaps, because he was, in a sense, of my generation. Although eleven years older than I am, we grew up together. In the same household. Shared many common experiences. Oh, we were siblings, so of course we had our fun times together, and we also had our rough times and as most siblings do, we had differences and at times fought, sometimes very roughly. I can recall at least a couple of times I was sure he was going to drown me in our swimming pool. Ah, sibling rivalry. I know I’m not the only one to experience this. But, now he is dead and I look over our whole relationship of growing up in our family. My memories inspired me to write a memoir of my experiences with my brother which ended up being read at his celebration of life service, something I did not expect at all.

So, losing a sibling. A unique experience. All the memories. I have one other sibling. So, of course in the back of my mind is the thought of who is next? Well, as they say, in so many years, we are all gone. The way life goes. So, thinking of my brother, how do I feel now as I think of him? There was the good, the fun, and the bad. All part of life in the family. Since my sister got married when I was young, most of my memories of family life are of me, my brother and our parents.

After my sister got married and left home, my brother and I were pretty close. We had to deal with our parents, so I guess you could say we bonded being the only two kids left at home. We got along most of the time. But, as time went on, our differences would surface. Oh, we did have our differences. Sometimes we would fight, physically. Other times we would fight verbally. We had great differences in perspectives on life and people. We had different interests, of course. He was into horticulture, big time. He loved plants. He was an expert in that field. He knew everything about plants and their technical names. Of any plants, he just knew everything as I saw it. He even went to college and studied in the field. He really did a good job of landscaping our yard. An obsession you could say. Doing his thing, as I saw it. I, on the other hand was becoming obsessed with aviation and a desire to become a pilot. We made a bet, in writing, that I would be an airline pilot by a certain age. And you know what… I still have that paper that we made the bet on. If fact, when I reached the age stated, I paid off my brother the ten dollars or whatever it was!

He went off to the army when I was in junior high school. He got drafted. I cried the next day a lot when I realized he was gone and I would have to put up with our parents alone. My companion was gone. I remember crying all the way on my walk to school. A hard time for me.

But, life goes on. He eventually completed his army commitment, came home and got married. I went on to college and at my completion of that commitment, my brother, sister and .my father came to Seattle to participate in my graduation ceremony. I was amazed that they came to the event. And after that, my brother stayed a few more days and the two of us took a road trip to Canada. It was a good time of bonding again after a long time. He especially loved visiting Butchart Gardens in British Columbia, Canada.

He also accompanied me on part of my road trip to Chicago a few months later when I started my studies at a theological seminary after college. He didn’t have enough days off work to make the whole trip, so he went as far as Denver and then flew home. I did enjoy our couple of days together on that trip, bonding again.

He started a family and had a large one. He had always talked of having a lot of kids, so he got his wish. As I see it, he had, overall, a good life. He loved his plants. He wanted a big family. He got both and seemed to enjoy it all. I see that, overall, as a good life. But, of course, there were the dark sides of his life, also, as with most of us, as I see it.

I already mentioned that we had our fights. We had very different feelings and opinions on several subjects. He was a very stubborn person. He had anger issues. He had a temper. He was a physically strong person and could be very rough with me at times. He had his prejudices, strong prejudices, like some of the rest of my family. I strongly disagreed with him on many things. He would put me down at times, very strongly. Yes, he could be nasty and rough. So, what do I think of all this now. He has passed on. How do I handle this?

Well, as with all of life, I have found the only way to live a good life is to have a lot of forgiveness as part of my way of living. To have no regrets, unresolved anger, hatred, etc. Just my way of living which I think is the best way to go. Studying the scriptures of many religions, studying Jesus and his teachings, forgiveness is of primary importance, as I see it. So, I apply this practice to my relationship with my late brother. I hold nothing against him. I recognize he was who he was. He lived his life his way. He had his anger issues and perhaps hatreds and prejudices. Now, if there is a continuing existence beyond this life, which I do believe in from experience rather than logic, he’s somewhere probably looking at all of this, also. I pray that he is settled and comfortable wherever and doing whatever he has to do to enjoy that dimension, perhaps with loved ones. I don’t know much of what’s beyond the veil. I just trust that all is well. Like I said, I feel he lived a good life. The life he wanted, really. Isn’t that the whole point of this existence?

Wally