I’m Not Normal, and That’s Okay [ Post #67 ]

(There has been a gap between my last blog and this one due to my brother’s passing. Losing someone close in the family disrupts life, so I have put aside completing this blog for a bit but now have resumed writing. Perhaps in a future blog I will reflect on my sibling and all that is involved in sibling relationships. We’ll see.)

Are you normal? I’m sure a lot of people think they are. And that’s good. But I know some people that don’t think they are “normal” and I would include myself in that group of people. I’ve always felt like an “outsider,” I guess. In earlier blogs I described what my childhood and growing up was like. Some struggles and rough and dark times. That’s probably very normal in the whole scheme of things. I have had some “dark times” beyond the usual childhood experiences, times I will not discuss at this time. But beyond all of that, I’ve never felt that I “fit in.”

I was advised there are certain ways to live and certain things to do to be a normal, all-American young man. Of course I tried to adhere to the advice given. I accepted what my elders told me at that young age. Some things worked out, some did not. Some made sense, of course, and some did not, in my mind. I feel that my father had great dreams of me being a great athlete. I did get the message and I really did try to fulfill his wishes. I played Little League baseball for a short while but I was not that great. I was never that good at other sports, either. But I tried. I did like activities like archery and I really got into golf in my youth. My parents belonged to a local country club and I did a lot of golfing for a while. I enjoyed it. But then, one day a relative told me that it was very important to be a good golfer in life, especially in the life of a young man, That was imperative if one was going to be a successful person in life. At that point, I began to lose my interest in golf as it was explained to me that it was a status thing, something any business person must do and be skillful at. I guess, for me, that was a turnoff. Killed my interest.

In a lot of other things, I never really “fit in.” I see myself now as being a “sampler” of life. I “sampled” this and that. I dabbled in this and that. I, of course, had the All-American dream of being a family man with a perfect family , with all the trappings. In my twenties I realized that was not to be, that was not me. Great for others, but not my “thing.” So, then I had to decide what was I going to be? After much thinking and confusion and tasting of this and that in life, I realized I could still have an amazing life, a fulfilling life, a life of relationships and love and complete happiness. There was nothing, really, to prevent that from being my life experience. So, onward I went and did find a good life. Sure, I may have never “fit in” to the program that was laid out for me, but I survived and actually thrived.

I was a pilot and none of my friends were pilots or had the deep interest in aviation that I had. But that did not stop me from pursuing my dreams in that field. Even when I was very active in that field, I never felt very close to those pilots I did become friends with. I did not share the whole “macho” culture they all seemed to relish.

I was involved in the church a lot, but, also there I also feel I did not really “fit in.” I went to seminary, I studied a lot of church history and theology but could not really feel a part of the whole church culture. I feel that I was probably too much of an independent thinker to just go along with the crowd in religious thinking. I found a lot of messy church situations to be the norm rather than the exception. So, even though I became an occasional preacher of sorts, again, I never felt that I really fit in.

So, now I’m retired, in that later stage of life where some of us do a lot of “life review” contemplation. I see that perhaps I was not “normal.” I did not do the things my society and culture “programmed” me for. I did not fit the dreams my parents may have had for me, well, especially my father. Too bad. I lived my life as it unfolded and I feel I did a good job of living the life that I wanted. The life that I feel was laid out as mine to live.

Some of us do great things in life. Some of us become very successful and famous. Others live a more quiet life, unknown to the rest of the world. What really matters? How do we feel when we come to that last breath that we take on this earthly plane? I think the best way to conclude life is to be happy. Feel satisfied. Feel fulfilled. Having loved totally. To be one with all of life, and if you have any faith, belief, spiritual perception, to be totally with God.

Wally