A friend recently asked me about my thoughts on good and bad relationships. Hmmm, I thought… me? You’re asking me? Well, since I’m going to have to think this one over in my mind, maybe I’ll just write out my thoughts and see if it’s appropriate material for my blog. Me, giving my opinion and advice on relationships, wow, as if there isn’t already a plethora of relationship “experts” in this world. Well, that’s the fun thing about blog writing, no academic degrees required to just blabber on about something.
Something that just popped into my thoughts as I considered this topic was the fact that in college I took a “Marriage and Family” psychology class and got one of my few “A’s” in college. (Overall I was probably a B and C student.) I guess I had a real interest in the subject in order to work that hard to get the top grade.
So, my thoughts on this matter of relationships. Well, from my earlier blog posts, you can see that my family life in my early years was a mix of good and bad experiences and feelings, probably like most of us. I had friendships through the years but no real, close friendship or partnership until my late twenties. I had always figured that after college and graduate school I’d get married, have a family, and be like everybody else in the world (at least in the world I saw). Boy, was I out of touch with reality!
One day during my year in seminary, I was crossing the street from my apartment to the campus and a fellow seminarian stopped to talk with me. He mentioned that he suspected that I was a latent homosexual. I was stunned, speechless. What? What’s this about? Where’s this coming from? I guess he drew that conclusion because I was not dating and showed no interest in dating. I was not like everyone else. I was not talking about things others were talking about, like one seminarian friend who was telling us about how he seduced a nun, etc. You know the kind of talk, the talk of the good ole boys. Anyway, after that brief encounter on the street and being accused of being a latent homosexual, I started thinking about it all. Maybe I was not heading towards a conventional, traditional marriage and family after all.
After seminary and starting my airline career, I did find a partner, a companion, and we lived together for nine years (late 1970’s to late 1980’s). So, through that experience, I came to learn all about bad relationships. It was bad, really bad ( from my perspective, emotionally, but, yes it could have been much worse if it was physical abuse, etc.). A total narcissist, pot-smoking, manipulating and controlling phony. And I spent nine years in that horrible relationship. I learned a lot of lessons.
What did I learn? I learned to be aware, to be very attentive to the “vibes,” the “energy” that people have and project. I learned to be aware of harsh emotional treatment and put-downs, no matter if even very subtle and often brushed off as “oh well, no big deal.” I learned if a person is not kind and loving in a real way almost all the time and understanding and compassionate, watch out. If after lashing out they are always begging for forgiveness and then repeat the same behavior ( again and again), that’s a warning sign things are not right with this person. I learned what pathological liars are. Wow, what an eye opener.
By the time I was halfway through my airline career, we had broken up and I met my second partner. By this time I had wised up a lot and had decided to make a good relationship a reality in my life if at all possible. I guess I really did believe change was possible, that we don’t always keep choosing the same people over and over again. It took a lot of work and a lot of time, but the result was a stunning success and resulted in my eventual marriage . So, I did eventually get to experience marriage and a real, good intimate relationship, even though it was not the conventional type I had imagined in my earlier years. But you know what? Relationships are relationships, love is love, and living with someone is the same whether in a conventional, traditional manner or in an unconventional one, as our world sees it.
So, good versus bad relationships. I feel I could write a book about this topic but for this blog I’ll keep it brief. I already mentioned many of the clues and signs of a bad relationship. Bad relationships often involve two people just coming together without much thought about it all, without working on changing themselves into compatible, honest, loving people, as I see it. Left as they are, they are often selfish, self-centered, impulsive, compulsive, egotistical, reactive, whiny, victim acting and possibly addictive. I know I was some of those things. I had to change if I was to have a real working relationship.
As I see it, to have a good working relationship with longevity, it takes a lot of work. It does not “just happen.” You do not just hook up. It takes an objective look at life and all our quirks and faults and negative traits and thought patterns. We have to work on ourselves. Sometimes some very deep work to extricate our demons, our dark side that is often well hidden. This can be done by ourselves, but sometimes it may require professional help, whether a therapist, counselor, spiritual worker, mentor, coach or whatever. Whatever works, I say, go for it. Do what needs to be done.
I see lots of people who have been together for many years in what they consider is a “good, loving” relationship. I look at them, think about it, and think to myself, no, I don’t quite see it that way. They often fight a lot, nag continuously ( usually not even aware they are always nagging ). They are hurtful and unkind as I observe them. I just don’t get it. A better life is available if you will just do the work required. A much better, a much more evolved relationship is possible. I know as I’ve been on both sides of the coin. I learned from the miserable times and I will never go back!
Wally
Those were some very good thoughts. Thank you I agree with you.