They say the words we use are important in our lives as far as determining how we think and live. I think there’s truth in that statement. Thinking this over brought to mind several phrases I really don’t much care for, in fact I think they can really be bad for us in how they affect our day-to-day lives. I’m not really talking about the vulgar or cuss words we use from time to time (or that some people overuse a lot), I’m referring to the often everyday, casual phrases we spew out of our mouths without really thinking what we are saying.
Let’s start with some of my least favorite phrases. There are three very similar phrases that I think are not the best way to express the thought that something may not need to be done right now, today. “There’s always tomorrow”; “You have all the time in the world”; “There’s always next time” ; Opportunity will always come knocking again!”
Well, if you’ve ever had a loved one die suddenly ( and I’ve had several) you know these statements are not always accurate or true. There is not always tomorrow, or another opportunity, or all the time in the world. The day will come when it is all over. The only time we really ever have is now. Always has been that way, always will be that way. There is only now. When people say “there’s always tomorrow,” I’m thinking, well, yes, if I don’t die tonight!
How about, “don’t get your hopes up!” Wow, that’s a real killer of hope, anticipation and enthusiasm; a punch in the gut. People say that so nonchalantly and sometimes they mean well, but I think that is not the right phrase to use. I think it is good to get your hopes up, but also, be realistic about things and be open to the results being different than originally planned. Remember, as they say. “God’s ways are not our ways.” I do believe that!
And there’s the “I’d rather die than…” (fill in the blanks). I don’t think that’s a good way to state a dislike. I don’t like putting that thought into my mind and consciousness. Now, I am more tolerant of casual phrases we use like, “you kill me!”, or “that just kills me.” Somehow those expressions don’t seem as dangerous to my mind as the others. “I would just die if…”, well, maybe I would consider that one borderline, not the best but commonly used. There must be a better way to express that sentiment, I think.
Often when we have a loss of a loved one (a death), we hear all sorts of things that may not be the best things to say. The grief experts usually say that it is best to say nothing or very little to a grieving person than to just blurt out stupid and hurtful things which are often done in that situation. What is often heard are things like “I know exactly what you are going through”, “It’s not that bad”, “they’re in a better place”, you’ll get over this”, “time heals all wounds”, etc. Just not really good things to say, as I see it. Time alone does not heal wounds. Time and a lot of work on grieving and the healing process can alleviate the initial trauma, but many people would testify that it’s not really a healing so much as getting through the process and living with a new life we must adjust to.
It is sometimes not appropriate to tell people to not get angry. To tell them not to feel that way (however they feel). We have to allow people to have their feelings and reactions. Who are we to tell people how to feel? Now of course there are dangerous situations where we may have to assert ourselves, but those are very rare, I feel. Someone planning a mass murder should be stopped, of course. Maybe I’m just more sensitive to the words and phrases we carelessly throw around because of my history. I worked in customer service in the airline industry and often had confrontations and unpleasant situations. My first companion and I had a tumultuous relationship and harsh words and actions were the norm for us.
So, maybe as you see it, it’s no big deal the way we talk to each other. To me it is! It’s very important how we express things in our interactions with each other. In my early life I was often very depressed and I believe that was often because of how I thought, my thinking process and the words I used. So, maybe this position of mine is just the result of living a long life and having lots of experiences. I just know that I try to use the best expressions and carefully watch what I say as much as I can. Of course I’m not perfect. I’m just a work in progress, aren’t we all!
Wally
Agree! I have never found the perfect thing to say to someone who has lost a loved one. Possible because there is no perfect thing to say. If you know a good thing to say, Wally. please let me know.