Thinking about my life, I’ve come to look at three sort-of major decisions I was forced to make in order for my life to have some integrity and meaning and direction so I could go on and live the “good life,” as I see it. I will take three major decisions I had to face in chronological order. I have touched briefly on these three decisions in previous blogs but will expand my thoughts on them here, get them out of my mind and down on paper, as it were.
I’ve written about my decision to leave my home environment at an early age (high school graduation). I had experienced an unpleasant home environment for some time and realized it was just too toxic to hang around any longer. For my survival I needed to leave and get out on my own, not knowing for sure what that meant, really. I only knew I was not going to go down the path that was laid out for me by my father, especially. His dream for me was, just get a boring job, work all your life, then die. Really inspiring! Not for me.
I left home, lived a couple of other places and then decided to go to college, against my father’s wishes (“a waste of time and money”). Opened a whole new life for me. I was free to determine my own life. I eventually started my career in the airline industry and enjoyed my love of aviation. I became a commercial pilot and flight instructor besides having my ground job.
While in college, another major decision had to be made. I had been enjoying college life when my draft board contacted me to tell me that they saw that I had lost some college credits when I transferred from a junior college to my four-year college (Yes, in the days of the military draft and the Vietnam War). I was going to lose my college deferment and be drafted. I wrote my draft board explaining my situation, but they didn’t care. (By the way, my college roommate saw my letter and was very impressed with my writing. I think that was the first time anyone complimented my writing abilities. He was sure that letter would get my deferment back, but it didn’t.)
So, it looked like I was about to be drafted and most likely be sent to Vietnam. A situation I never considered facing before. The government was going to take me out of college, train me to kill people ( people that the government decided I should kill). Wait a minute, I am going to be a trained killer? Wait a minute. No, no, no. (And people are upset/crazy today that government says wear a mask, hmmm.) It was time for me to decide what I thought about of this “war stuff.” No way was I in favor of the war. But what was I to do? What choices did I have? Declare myself as a “conscientious objector?” Flee to Canada (be a “draft dodger?”) Go to jail? Decide I was a pacifist? Something had to be decided. The next step came, having to take the draft physical. So the day came. I did not have bone spurs, but I did have knowledge of how to get my heart racing to dangerous levels which might help me fail my physical. Also, on the paperwork for the physical there was a question asking if I was a homosexual. Hmmm, I guess that would work, except at that time in my life I did not consider myself in that category at all. So, I did the physical and I did flunk it because my heartbeat was too fast for their standards. Problem averted. Draft deferment achieved.
But, I had to confront what my feelings were about the government, the military, war, killing, and following orders going against everything I believed, because the government said so. I must admit, I still struggle with this whole philosophical matter of war, killing, the military, etc. The whole concept of a “just war.” Not an easy subject in this world which has always been a warring world full of evil people. Having been a history major in college, I know how this world is and always has been. Not a pretty picture in many ways.
I wish I could talk with those who have had to handle these questions, but they won’t talk, I have discovered. War veterans come home and are silent on these things. Many have been severely damaged in one way or another. I had a friend who was a bombardier in WWII, a Christian missionary. How did he feel dropping bombs and killing lots of people? And then being on the mission field bringing salvation to people?
This is a very complex subject and I have no answers. I have lots of questions. It’s a dangerous subject to approach, usually because people’s feeling are so strong. I remember a supervisor at work once told me when we approached the subject of Vietnam that if he ever discovered I was against the war, my job would be hell, he’d see to that (he was an ex-Marine who served in the war.
I remember a conversation I had with my brother-in-law when I was nine. He ended up being a very conservative, right-wing person politically, But he was under the threat of being drafted and was absolutely opposed to being in the military. He had just had one kid and was hoping to get my sister pregnant with a second child because that would give him a deferment from the draft. He was a bit panicked as he hated the thought of being in the military. He had done ROTC training in college and hated the military regimen. Would love to have conversations about all of this, and his strong political and patriotic views.
I have had friends and family that have served in wars. I get it. They did what they believed they had to do. I really do get that. I’m just saying, when I had to face what I had to face, I would not kill on command just because the government says I have to. Today, people are going crazy about being told to wear masks. I had to face being trained and commanded to kill. I think there is a bit difference in these dilemmas
So, the third big decision I had to make in my life, besides leaving my family to go off on my own and allowing myself to be drafted to fight in a war was how was I to live out my life? The track to follow was to be a good, normal family man. Marry, have a good family and live the typical family life of the American dream. At some point, after graduate school and beginning my airline career, I realized I was not going to live out that dream. I only knew it was not for me. Not knowing how I was going to live out my life, I knew it was not as a typical family man. I just had to “go with life” and see how it would turn out. It was a long road to find out who I was and how I was to live, but it did all work out. To quote my simple personal religion one more time, “Love; and trust God.”
Wally