Month: May 2020

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Not Fond of Church [ Post # 38 ]

I’m sure this post will be controversial to many people, or confusing, especially to people who know me. It may even seem hypocritical for me to be taking such a stand considering my long history of being involved with churches. Yes, I have been involved with churches for most of my life; but you know, I’ve never felt really, I mean REALLY comfortable with church, the organization and the people.

To make a big generalization, I would say there are two types of people (in the “Christian world” anyway). There are church people, people who have been involved in church for most of their lives, and non-church people. The church people often just grow up in the church, sometimes not giving it much thought, just accepting the church structure and belief system promoted by their church denomination. The non-church people just grow up unattached to church and often unknowledgeable about religious things. Of course there are those in between and those who grew up in the church in their youth and turned away or people who “got burned” by church and church people, church culture, or whatever.

I chose to become a “church person,” which I covered in previous blogs. My family was not a religious family but I rebelled and became part of a church community in my teens. So, after getting religion, or finding God, coming to Jesus, or however you want to see it, I studied for the ministry but stopped short of finishing my graduate, theological studies. So, I was involved in churches most of my life. Some good times and experiences were had and some frustrating and contentious times also. I could never be a complete follower of any line of belief or thought or social group. I have never been a complete “team player” in my life as I value independent thought and personal truth seeking, always. I have an aversion to “group think,” cult following and behavior, guru worshipping, etc. You get my drift.

Yes, it is a bit ironic that I voluntarily got so involved in church and religion but also hold these feelings and beliefs. I definitely live a spiritual life but it is beyond what most churches promote, proclaim, preach and try to enforce by their various means, including coercion and shunning. I remember being kicked out of a church after I returned to my home church after leaving seminary and expressing that I did not believe all the things I pretended or thought I believed earlier. Seminary had opened my eyes to a bigger world, especially a bigger theological world, I guess you could say.

To sum up my feelings regarding church in our world, our culture and society, I feel there is great opportunity for churches and church communities to be a vibrant, inspiring force in the world. Yes, there are good churches and religious organizations in the world. No question about that. I applaud the good organizations doing good things in the world.

I just am a bit leery of organizations and groups of people and political structures and power structures. I have seen too many people abused or hurt or shunned unlovingly in the church arena and community. I am cautiously aware of the undercurrents going on in group situations, especially church and religious settings.

A bit paradoxical that I can be in church and feel this way about church at the same time. Perhaps. The best way I can say it at this time is, “I am not fond of church.” Church can be good. I can enjoy church and participate at times in church, but I am aware of the pitfalls of organizations, groups, power plays and politics. You wont find me selling my soul to any group or guru. I’m a truth seeker, I’m a lover, not a hater.

During my atheist years (late 1980’s) I belonged to the American Atheists Association. I went to their convention in Austin, Tx. and was with Madalyn Murray O’Hare and her family for a couple of days. That was my rebellion to the conservative, evangelical, fundamentalist church. I recovered and found better religion.

So, if you love church, are enjoying a good relationship with a church and its people, go for it. I just say, beware. Beware of “group think,” of narrow-mindedness, of disguised forms of hate and prejudice and self-righteous people. You will find these types of people more in the fundamental, evangelical, legalistic type of churches, I believe, than in the more open, liberal and free-thought type of churches. I wish the church world was a perfect world, but, well, you know, it isn’t. By having the awareness I have regarding this institution, I don’t get burned and hurt and angry like some people do ( like several people I know). I may at times become disappointed in a minister or a congregant, but I try to be realistic and fair and understanding about the situation. I will not make the decision to “have nothing to do with church ever” just because of the above mentioned situations. Some people make that decision, and that’s their decision to make. I just say that that is sad. You can have a spiritual group in your life to help make your life better and more complete, just beware! Maybe this essay sounds convoluted since I’m saying “I’m not fond of church,” and also, “I often enjoy church and it can be a good experience. But, after all, isn’t life like that? Paradoxical, contradictory, uncertain, confusing, crazy and wonderful. I can live with all that and the mystery of it all. At least, most of the time.

Wally

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A Communist, Jesus Freak, Godless Atheist, Fag, MoFo, N*gger Lover, Etc. [Post #37]

Ever thought about the various things and names you’ve been called in your lifetime? I’m finding it to be an interesting pondering recently after doing a little experiment of responding to a “friend” on social media. I have family and friends that have views about life that are very different than mine. Don’t we all, unless we are really isolated in our personal circle of friends and acquaintances and are around only those who think exactly alike, like we think.

Well, after responding to someone whose views are opposite of mine, I thought, “let’s just see where this goes.” Yeah, it went right where I thought it might, immediately. Into an emotional and name-calling response. Yes, this world, this country, this society is really divided right now. More than I have ever experienced in my lifetime, with perhaps the exception of the 1960’s. It ain’t like it used to be, where you could calmly discuss issues and different opinions over a cup of coffee (or beer, or martini, depending on your inclination). It used to be, “oh, you’re a republican, or you’re a democrat, or conservative or liberal or centrist or moderate. Well, let’s just sit down and talk. Ha, it appears that those days are long gone.

So, after this “experiment” regarding our intolerant and emotionally crazed atmosphere regarding politics and other topics, I began reflecting on my past and how I’ve been perceived over my lifetime by others. The more I pondered this line of thinking, the more interesting it all became to me. I will try to relate my story chronologically to give it some order and sense.

In my childhood, I was called, by my family, a “n*gger lover.” Yep, that was in the 1960’s. The civil rights movement and all of that was going on at the time. I’ve mentioned in previous blogs how my family was not into civil rights consciousness at all. I didn’t understand their feelings, it didn’t make sense to me. So I must have expressed my opposition to their stand and hence the name calling began. I think that at an early age I must have decided I was not going to be a hater. Hating people just because of their skin color or they look different just made no sense to me. So, I had my introduction to racism at an early age and I didn’t like it.

As most of you know, well, at least people of my age, anyway, the 1960’s were a wild time. Nothing like it. I was a curious person. I was very curious about the world. One of my hobbies back then was radio. I had a CB radio, I got my ham radio license, I had a shortwave radio and listened to shortwave broadcasts from many countries around the world, interested in different cultures. At that time, the Vietnam War was raging and was big news. I was interested in the world and I happened to tune in Radio Hanoi one day. I listened to their broadcasts and eventually sent in a request to them to verify that I actually heard them. If you could prove you listened to a foreign broadcast station they would send you a verification card, which shortwave enthusiasts collected, especially of hard to hear countries around the world.

Well, it was not long before I heard from the F.B.I. They were aware I was sending mail to North Vietnam. They let me know that I was now on their “radar” and they would be watching me closely. When Radio Hanoi sent me a package which was Chairman Mao Zedong’s “little red book,” the FBI really went wild. They basically let me know they were considering me a possible communist sympathizer and they were monitoring me closely because of my mail contacts with a communist country. Boy, I wish I had kept those communications from the FBI. They would be a good laugh now, and fun to read.

I was also called a communist by others during that time period. I happened to not be a fan of the Vietnam War and in the 1972 presidential election I was not a supporter of and did not vote for Richard Nixon. At that time, if you did not vote for Nixon and if you dared vote for George McGovern, you were considered to be a communist for sure by many people. You were, if not a communist, actually, at least “un-American.” So during this time I was called a communist by both my country (at least the FBI) and some family and friends.

After this time period, later in life, I was also called a communist again, twice. Once after church years ago, in the social hall after a church service, I was having a casual conversation and somehow the subject of schooling came up. I was talking to a friend’s mother and when I mentioned I was a college graduate, she turned to me and snapped, oh, you’re a liberal, a communist. She was not kidding, she was dead serious. And I was shocked, speechless. I had never encountered such thinking before. And once again a couple of years later when talking to a co-worker one day, when I found out he was from Seattle, I mentioned “oh, I love Seattle. I lived four years there when I went to college.” Yep, his response, “oh, you went to college. You are a liberal, a communist,” he said in a rather nasty tone. Wow, I thought, just being a college graduate made me a communist in some people’s eyes. The ironic thing is, the college I went to was a small, conservative Christian college, but what do facts matter when people have very prejudiced opinions.

So, I went to a conservative Christian college. I got involved in a charismatic, Pentecostal group of friends. This was the 60’s, the Vietnam War, hippies, and Jesus Freaks. Now I was in this group of friends and we were not really the “Jesus freak” type of people, but regardless, some friends and family thought of me as a Jesus freak. Okay, that’s the way it was. Better than being considered and called a communist or n*gger lover.

After college I went to theological seminary. Several years after seminary I had a crisis of faith and decided I was really an atheist after all. That self-identification lasted a few years before I re-established a new, better, more logical, real faith for me. The childhood concept of God did not work as an adult, as is often the case for people who mature in their faith or religion. Well, I got some strong reactions during the time I called myself an atheist. As if I can’t think for myself and I have to accept other’s concept of religion.

The next name-calling incident came when a co-worker at a flight school I was working at got in a conversation with me and was telling how he really liked me and all that. In the conversation I happened to open up and let him know I was gay when he was carrying on about women and his locker-room kind of talk. Wow, did that change the atmosphere immediately. He was shocked. He called me a fag and said God should give me AIDS and I should die, in fact I would die, because I deserved it. Like I said, WOW! Never very friendly after that.

So, now to the present and my experiencing name-calling on social media. Like I said, I disagreed with what someone was saying about the political situation we are in. Immediately I got called by my “friend” and my friend’s friends names such as MoFo (term for MotherFers), bitch, hater (any non-Trump person), etc. Again, wow. I didn’t say anything nasty, mean, I just offered a different opinion that what was being promoted on the social media post.

You know what. I think it is all laughable now. All this name-calling. the current experience of this and also the past experiences. Yes, at the time it may have hurt, but now looking at it all, what a joke. People are just revealing who they really are, nothing about me, actually. I’m not a communist, never have been. I am against all racism. I’m a lover, not a hater. I know who I am.

Wally

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Letting Go [Post 36]

A very hard skill to learn, perhaps the hardest practice or skill to acquire in life is the “art of letting go.” If one can truly learn to let go in life, one can live a better life, a good life, even a great, joyous and happy life. Not being able to acquire this skill can wreak havoc emotionally and psychologically and mentally for one’s entire existence.

I feel very fortunate that I have been blessed with this ability as as innate part of my psychological makeup, or so it seems. Of course I’ve been hurt, I’ve been through some really dark periods, perhaps abused and abandoned at times. I’m not denying deep hurts in my life. But, I have been able to, with time and personal inner work and occasionally assistance from others been able to heal my wounds and move forward. Healing and moving on has saved me much mental turmoil and allowed me to live a freer, fuller life. I’m so glad I am not a clinger, a hanger-on to both bad and good experiences. I feel one of the great teachings of Buddhism is to not have attachments, to not cling to desires.

Now, I know what I just said can be easily misunderstood and often is in our culture. Desires and attachments and clinging and greed are big things in our society. They are normal, most people would say. But, I say the more you can eliminate these habits, the better off you will be.

Lets take bad experiences. We all will have bad, hurtful, even tragic experiences in life. Just gonna happen. They can destroy us if we can’t move through them and find some way to heal from our wounds. Death is one of the hardest experiences to go through. No one can avoid the horrible feelings of losing a loved one in death. Well, except for the psychopath or sociopath personality. I’m talking about normal people.

Some people get stuck at that point. They have experienced the gut-wrenching experience of having a loved one die, gone completely and forever from this earth. We feel we’ll never get over the loss and some people never do. I’ve come to believe that may be true. In fact, I believe that it may be true that we never really “get over a death of a loved one,” but we can “get through” the loss and have a great deal of healing from the experience over time, often a long time. On the other hand, some people never recover from a tragic loss, they are permanently damaged. I saw that in my mother, when her father died when I was a little kid. She went off the deep end, as they say. She went mental and never recovered, just got progressively worse over the years until her death when I was twenty-five.

We all have to let go of loved ones, like our parents if we outlive them. Those times with my parents (above), gone forever.

I have experienced the death of loved ones and friends as difficult times. I have grieved. I have eventually gotten through the grieving and moved on in life, not forgetting the loss, but accepting it as part of life. I certainly don’t mean to minimize the depth of hurt or the sometimes long process of healing. What I’m saying is that I don’t get permanently stuck in a bad mental state.

Now, besides the death experience, there are lots of times during our lifetimes that we have to “let go” of things and experiences and periods and phases of our lives. I’ve had to let go of my first experience of having a life partner. It was a sick relationship as I see it. It was bad, psychologically and emotionally. It was very unhealthy, as I see it now. I have had to let go of friends that were not good for me in my life. Friends and acquaintances who were mean, nasty, crazy, unbalanced, etc. Haven’t most of us? Not always easy. Not pleasant, but such a relief once we have done it and healed from our “sin” (mistake) of picking the wrong people to have around us in our perhaps more “needy” times.

Loved my flying days. Fulfilled my dream, but those days are in the past.

I have had to let go of some loves and pleasures of my life. I relinquished my wonderful “hobby” of piloting airplanes, my childhood dream come true. I thoroughly enjoyed the many years of flying, but the time came when it was too expensive and I didn’t have the time to keep up with all I needed to do to keep my licenses current and active. Yes, I have friends that don’t understand how I could give up that great love in my life, but that’s okay, they don’t have to understand me. I just knew the time had come to “let it go .” I did what I had to do at that time in my life.

I had no problem retiring from my airline career. It was mostly a great experience, my thirty-three years as an airline employee. I had picked the right industry and field of work for me and really loved it. But after my time there, I easily let it go. I know some friends that have a very difficult time retiring, adjusting to a new lifestyle, but not me. I had my great time working and it was time to go, time to begin a new experience of being “retired.” Yes, it did take a time of adjustment in some ways, but my head was good with it all. I let it go!

Looking at a different aspect of letting go, I’ve also had to let go of some assumptions and dreams, expectations and promptings of society and friends that were not right for me, in all honesty. I had to give up the assumed role in society of becoming a “family man,” getting married (heterosexually, of course), and having children, you know, that whole experience. It was in my twenties that I realized that dream, that picture was not going to happen for me. That was not the path I would want to choose. I had to let go of that expectation. I had expected that after college graduation I would follow the plan and become a stereotypical family man with all the trimmings. There was a different path awaiting me.

The good times. Playing charades with friends. Temporarily gone but will return.

So, life is a lot about living true to yourself, enjoying the good times when they come along, not grasping to hang on to them (yes, the good times), and also experiencing the dark or bad times and also not grasping and holding on to them, also. The bad times, I feel, must be worked through, doing whatever work one must to get centered again in life, grieve, and move on. Always working to be emotionally healthy, balanced, authentic, joyous and happy, that’s the formula for living a good life, as I see it. Not resisting what reality is staring you in the face right now, this moment. Handle it, heal it, and move forward.

Now, as I write this, the world is going through a complete upending of everything, with the virus affecting the entire world. Talk about “letting go!” We are being forced to let go of so much, all at once, almost everything which we consider a normal part of life. Living freely, gathering in groups, socializing, going to events. traveling, going to restaurants, whatever. Everything we took to granted as just a part of everyday life. We have had to let go, period. Not much choice involved. Just mundane shopping now involves dressing up in protective gear and avoiding people.

That final “letting go,” letting go of life, everything we were, everything we dreamed, all our loves, at least on this earthly plane.

So, of course we will all have to experience that final, grand letting go of all time. The letting go of life on our death bed or wherever. Yes, I know in our culture we avoid all thought of this final release of all we are, all we have been, with no hope of anything more in this life, on this planet. All of life. Adios, farewell, and all of that. The big release, letting go. How do you feel about that? How have you handled that thought? Will you handle that thought with the time you have left? Personally, I have had two experiences in my life where I faced my death. I mentioned them in previous blogs. I have a feeling those experiences will resurface in my final hours or minutes in as vivid a way as they did previously, except this time I will know that “this is it, for real.” Perhaps there was a reason I had a dress rehearsal for this event many years ago.

To sum this all up, letting go is a good skill to have as we navigate through life. A difficult skill for most of us, an impossible skill for some of us. It will affect how we live our lives. It will affect our deep serenity and happiness and joy in life, I believe.

I believe in enjoying life, the good times, such as a helicopter tour of Kauai, Hawaii, above. But I say don’t cling , hold on the the good times in an unhealthy way , enjoy them and let them be fun memories.

Wally